AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

[14weekspp]

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

There is a spectrum isn’t there. Many people don’t want visitors on day 1 but would quite like a family member to visit their niece or nephew at some point. 8 months without a visit is a strong message your relationship with her is basically dead. It be very hurt too.

And I 100% agree with brassbrass. I’m not sure why there are so many people falling over themselves to pretend it isn’t normal to visit a new baby of a brother or sister. Not everyone will have a family of close cousins but in any functioning family, you’d expect to meet your niece or nephew before they are walking.

So what if its her brother kid? That doesn't mean she has to be involved with it. And thats perfecrly normal. Especially for an older,child free woman with a career
It ISN'T normal in a healthy family relationship to give so few ducks about your own brothers life changing experiences that you don't just ignore them but actively avoid it for nearly a year. Being older, female and having a career isn't a reason to not care about your family.

@medb22 the difference is the mother's sibling DID visit and you didn't actively avoid them

It would be exceptionally weird if my sisters didn’t come to visit my new baby because we’re all so close and my nephews are really important to me and we have great relationships. I’d expect them to want to build a relationship with my son. Which they have.
It’s also absolutely normal than only one of my husband’s siblings have met our 9 month old because they just aren’t a close family.
The difference is that my husband isn’t bothered by it, so it doesn’t bother me either. If they don’t want to meet him they don’t want to meet him!

I do have absolutely no idea why you wouldn’t want to be involved in your niece or nephew’s life though. It’s really rewarding.

Not everyone will have a family of close cousins but in any functioning family, you’d expect to meet your niece or nephew before they are walking

Some of my inlaws only see our children if we visit them. They don't visit us. I would guess my youngest daughter was probably at least 3 before any of them met her. We used to make the effort to visit them a lot. Now we don't. They see our children every few years at "big birthdays" (70+) or weddings. We live about 2 hours away from them.

YANBU to be upset but some people just aren't interested unfortunately, and there is nothing you can do about it. My MIL makes little to no effort to see Ds, hasn't seen him in 5 months, and couldn't even make the effort for Christmas. I have given up and accepted that this is the way it will be from now on. It's their loss!

Stop pushing the issue for goodness sake! Not everyone likes babies. I get the impression the more you push it the more she will resist. You sound like hard work tbh.

How do I sound like hard work? I'm asking the question on here. Me and my DP have obviously discussed it with each other, but in real life, I have said nothing about this myself to SIL. DP has had one argument with her about it (entirely his decision).

The OP doesn't sound like hard work nespresso
She just sounds hurt and disappointed. IMO justifiably so.

the way you write "career" kind of tells me everything you think of your sister in law and her life choices. She has also been ill and probably still is ill and when you are ill you just tend to do what you need to do to get through the day. It is often hard to muster up enough enthusiasm for anything and you sound like the sort of parents who think that everyone should dote on your child - so maybe she is staying away because she knows she won't be able to do that and that would cause an argument with you both.
She also has the right to invite whoever she wants on a trip she's organising and your partner was very petulant and childish for causing an argument about it.

Finally, I am an aunt. I'm close to some of my nephews and nieces, not so close to others. I rarely saw my brother's children from his first marriage because his wife was a nightmare and completely insensitive to everyone's feelings but her own. I stayed away because I didn't like her. I didn't like her before the children were born and knew she would be worse after. I'm an adult, I can choose who I have a relationship with - even if they are my "family".

I don't think it's any better if she'd visited the baby once then not seen him for many months/years afterwards.

Were you close with SIL before your pregnancy and birth? I'd expect you to have a good idea whether or not she was likely to be involved based on her behaviour before child was born.

Lots of posts on MN about ILs coming to visit child but not liking the parents so it's good you're not in that situation. You clearly don't like SIL so don't take it personally. The fact that she is interested in other kids suggests that her problem is with her brother and you. Have you been interested in her illness?

I think the holiday is a bigger deal tbh. It's ok this time as your baby is unaware but I wouldn't want him knowing that he was excluded

This thread is interesting. I have eight nephews and nieces and, 14 great nephews and nieces, and I haven’t specifically been to visit any of them when newborn. Nor would my siblings have expected me to. It wouldn’t have occurred to me.

Different families definitely have different expectations, but that doesn’t make either way right or wrong.

I’m wonder if I offended any bils or sils by my absence.