AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

[14weekspp]

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

Do you hold the men in the family to the same standard? Having ovaries doesn’t equal being baby crazy, or even liking them.

I will add as well, she hasn't made it fairly clear she isn't interested. She's made a lot of excuses, rather than being direct and up front about it ' I won't be visiting because I don't care'. Not heard those words once.

Maybe this, maybe that. Then the SIL should just come out and say what the problem is! I don’t care what her crap excuse is, deliberately excluding OPs family from family events is rude and cruel.

MAYBE, SIL knows that OP will not care about her 'crap' (wtf?) excuse either. MAYBE she knows to stay away for that very reason.
As for excluding OP's family from family events - did she really? Does every member of the family need to be present at every meet up?

How often did you see you each other before the baby?

Have you actually invited her up or are you waiting for her to ask?
My DB and SIL didn't come up and see my DS when he was born. They met him a few months later when they were up anyways. DS wasn't going anywhere and they have a great relationship now he's a bit older

I have a child but have never been interested in anyone else's. If a baby is born I think it's lovely but would never occur to me to go and visit. I've seen loads of babies , they all do the same thing and are much more fun when a little older.

I think you are getting some harsh replies, it's not like she's avoided you all for a week or two, she's avoided you all for 8 months and in fact is now excluding you from the rest of the family.

Yeah, pretty much. All the men in the family have visited. Had no idea this was such a split issue! I thought this was a generally done thing to visit new babies, regardless of general interest level. I find it very rude and odd that someone hasn't been. I'm not holding them to a different standard than I hold myself, or expecting all and sundry, great aunts and cousins twice removed to visit, just supposedly close family!

I think

You need to be acceptance of this, sad as it maybe your SIL isn’t interested.

Stop and realise that there maybe other things afoot in her life and this might not be about you or your dc

YABU to think that she should come to see you & the baby because that's what families do.
YANBU to feel hurt that she doesn't want to see you, & no-one seems willing to tell you why.

IME, people tend to be very private about certain areas of pain. Lack of ability or opportunity to have children is one of them. They make up all manner of reasons why they "never wanted children". Or, perhaps she is annoyed at one of you (a sensible person would try to resolve it, but not everyone is like that!)

Sometimes it’s nothing to do with how you visited before you were interested in or had kids. I also did this but now struggle with it due to infertility. For all you know she is so focused on her career because she never met the right person or was told younger that she wouldn’t be able to have children. Does she have a DP/DH? If not maybe work was all she had. I also doubt she discussed her gynaecology visits with your DH! This could also be why the mother is defending her as maybe she knows something you don’t.

Or she just might not be interested in children and is struggling with an illness but is expected to do a complete 360 just because you and your DH decided you wanted a child. Re weekend away maybe she wanted an adult only weekend which you can’t do. I agree you should get an explanation but if the explanation was I don’t like kids or care you had a baby would that make everything ok for you or would you still be on here posting about that and whether you ABU?

Is the reality that you want everyone to be focused on your baby and they’re not?

She’s working FT with a chronic illness and is not interested in babies. Why would she come and visit? Her world does not revolve around your offspring.

’I won't be visiting because I don't care'. Not heard those words once.

You’re expecting her to say that??

Some people just aren't interested in babies. DD (19) doesn't like babies at all, or toddlers for that matter, and is adamant that she is never going to have children.

Is she much older or is it an early menopause?

YANBU to feel hurt about it though. Did you see much of her before you had your baby? How did she react when you announced your pregnancy?

It sounds like she has maybe said she never wanted children to cover for the fact she cannot have children. Or she is perhaps just totally not interested in babies. Just let it go and stop worrying about it. She may enjoy being an aunt once your baby is a little older.

I would indeed prefer the honesty of what some people have said above, that she simply doesnt like children, and/or doesn't like my DP.

I agree but possibly there pay be private reason that she doesn’t want to share and has asked her mum to keep private. They might not have anything to do with you or baby

I can understand your upset
I can also understand MIL standing by her daughter

Mil’s always take the the side of their daughters! After my dd was born, DH had to force his DM to visit. We have a photo of MIL and DD and Mil’s face is like thunder! All because we didn’t tell them when we were having the baby (elective cs - we told no one the exact date - when ds was born Mil and Sil were waiting in the corridor - did not want them there again).
Fast forward 10 or so years and DH’s family have ignored us for over a year now. I’ve given up trying and am leaving it to DH now. Not my problem, it’s theirs! Do not waste any more of your life on these people. It is totally up to them when they visit and if they can’t be bothered, I would carry on with your life and your lovely family.

She may enjoy being an aunt once your baby is a little older.

^Nope. She doesn’t get to pick and choose.

I won't be visiting because I don't care
Seriously OP who would even say that! But, it might be what she's thinking especially if she is working full time with a chronic illness and going through menopause. Cut her some slack maybe? Or just accept that she's not interested? Doesnt make her a bad person. Doesnt make you a bad person either though.

So reading your updates.

You think it’s rude if someone doesn’t show an interest in your baby - so basically you decide to have a baby and everyone has to jump to attention and when they don’t you kick up a massive fuss and create a fight in the family!?

You also expect that because SIl is not doing what you want she also just forgo any privacy she needs around why - because you need her to tell you why because again you decided to have a baby but now she must come grovelling to you and divulge why she is feeling the way she feels or she is rude?

YABVU

I can’t believe some of the replies on here. I find it really rude and cruel that someone wouldn’t bother to even visit once after the birth of a child.

For various reasons I’ve found it hard in the past to deal with pregnancy or new babies but I still congratulated and visited them because it’s not all about me!

It doesn’t sound like the OP has unrealistic expectations of her SIL having a thriving relationship with her child - all she wanted was a visit. And now for the SIL to exclude them from the rest of the family, that’s so out of order.

Have you actually invited her to visit?

Sorry you are getting so many fairly harsh replies. I agree with you. It's a social norm to visit a new baby in the family. And a social norm most people enjoy (even if they are not baby mad).

It's also a social norm to visit close relatives who have a long hospital stay (regardless of your interest level in illness) or to go to the wedding of close relatives (regardless of your personal feelings around weddings) or to attend funerals ( whether you love funerals or not).

The OP is writing about her child's aunt 8 months after the birth. It's crap that said aunt has not visited and it would be equally crap if the aunt was an uncle.

It's a normal age menopause. She is happily with a DP. She takes an active interest in other children in the family.
I don't expect her to say she won't be visiting because she doesnt care, but someone above said she's made it pretty clear shes not interested. She hasn't, shes made a lot of excuses.

Some people are weird.
I would leave her to it.
She has her reasons.

I would almost always expect to travel to see a baby - that’s what I see as the correct etiquette plus I don’t have any circumstances that would generally make it easier for the parents (and recovering mother in particular) to schlep to mine with their baby rather than the other way round. One of DH’s siblings made no effort to see our baby until DH finally took DC there when DC was 18 months old; it definitely changed my view of the relationship.