AIBU to be upset with SIL for not visiting baby?

[14weekspp]

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't. Or is it normal for the mother to have to ask to visit others (this seems to be what's expected by both SIL and MIL)?
Many and various excuses have been made, until finally things came to a head at Christmas and now DP and SIL aren't speaking because of this. Her main excuse is that she is unwell. She has had a genuine illness which began around 1.5 years ago. However, she has, since it started, gone back to work full time, and makes several trips down to where we live per year for work. The last trip was an event that took place about 5 miles from our house. She said nothing about it and we didn't find out until recently. She has also been on a foreign holiday since our baby was born, getting on a five hour flight.
The final straw was that she arranged a Christmas getaway with the rest of the family, but specifically excluding us. This was planned some distance from her house, so travelling is clearly not an issue for her.
I really have tried to see things from her perspective but I can't. Is there something I'm missing? My MIL is fully defending her and says that her work is more important than seeing her niece. It's all quite shocking to me. We even said recently that we were willing to go and see her, but have received no invitation. No response to that. AIBU?

I wouldn’t visit someone just because they had a baby even family?

My cousin is a lesbian and my son is four, I doubt there will be any babies any time soon. And no, I wouldn’t make a special visit just because someone had a baby, to me it would be like making a special visit because they had a new kitchen.

Tbh I think you have a bigger problem if you are being excluded from family events by your MIL.

It's possible she just doesn't like you OP. Sorry but that's how it is coming across. She doesn't want to visit you and doesn't want you on the family holiday. You say she is actively involved with other young children in the extended family so it doesn't sound like it's about your baby.

Not everyone will like you enough to want to visit you or holiday with you, the same as you feel about them. The fact it's family is totally irrelevant, especially as you get older. You just want to spend time with the people you can tolerate

I think you need to accept it and move on.

I find it very difficult to cope with seeing newborn baby girls (I have terrible flashbacks to my daughter's death). This is my issue and I don't expect anyone else to understand, but I couldn't visit one without crying and causing other people stress. I do send a card and a gift though, and once the baby is a little older I am able to cope with seeing them.

There are all sorts of reasons why people don't visit babies, but if she had said that she wasn't going to come at all then it might have been better. What's more concerning is that the whole family seems to be colluding to exclude you. This has happened to me, and once it happens it's really difficult to rebuild relationships or be "let back in". In my case, I fell out with my sister who was the golden child, and from then on I was excluded from everything, and almost relegated to distant cousin status. It's really sad, but once it happens it's usually better to accept it and move on. A family dysfunctional enough to do this will not respond well to being challenged.

I have the same issue.. kind of. But I take a different approach. My DD is 6 months old. My MIL and SIL only see her when I visit them. Never have they come to visit her and they have been invited. We live a hour away but SIL travels 5 hours away most weekends to be with friends. But I have never made an issue over it. I only visit every 3 or 4 weeks. And unless they make a move that is it. They are missing out. Only thing is DD is starting to cry when she does see them because they are strangers. And its getting cruel

There could be many things going on here but the impression I get from your posts OP is that she isn't just being uninterested, she is actively avoiding you. In this case just take the hint and drop it.

Maybe she dislikes you, you do come across as a very 'assertive' person. The fact that you complain about her making excuses not to visit shows that you have been directly pushing her on this. This no doubt makes her wish to avoid you even more. You don't know what her feelings are about babies, as someone who is still coming to terms with the fact that I will never have children after years of infertility I find myself avoiding babies unless it's someone I really care about.

You don't sound like you even like her anyway, I'm sure many other people in your life have shown the interest you're looking for so focus on that.

I wouldn't bother with her, no calls, messages, presents st xmas. If she can't be bothered to take an interest in her brother's child then leave her to it and disengage. It is hurtful but put that to one side and move on. Dwelling on her lack of interest will do you no favours.

People can be so precious about their kids , maybe she doesn’t like babies , maybe she doesn’t like you , maybe she has anxiety , maybe maybe she doesn’t want to spend her free time travelling to see you , just because she works doesn’t mean she’s in good health - outside of work I do very little due to health issues

@Pipstelle

Some posters on here are batshit. It's completely normal for a family to come meet a new family member!

Of course it is. Which is why when a family member actively doesn't visit, avoids visiting and then organises an event excluding the family members it is NOT normal and there's something else at play.

Which OP possibly knows or suspects, but hasn't disclosed.

My SIL had no interest in my baby. But things took a weird turn when she got upset when he didn’t want to know her when we visited and her H accused us of upsetting her by not letting her spend time with him on her terms.

TBH as he got older she saw him a few times, but I think that if this is your first baby, then like me you’re feeling as if everyone should love and want to spend time with your baby in the same way you do (and I’m sure others feel like that as well,) but as time goes on the realisation dawns that other people just don’t feel like that and you start to care less.

Nothing can come of having brought it up, so it’s time to just live your lives for yourselves and your DC will forge whatever relationship with their auntie as they grow older. And if that doesn’t happen, then it doesn’t happen.

Yeah I'd be upset but not for long. In the scheme of things you have your baby to focus on, + other family and things going on. Brooding over your SIL to this level should be the least of it. You can't force her to visit or be interested so just let it go. You're affording her an importance in your life as if she's the be all and end all. Just stop, and get on with life and enjoying your baby.

This isn’t about your baby, she doesn’t like you, her brother or both of you. She’s happy to be around other children in the family so it’s not an issue with babies, hasn’t been to visit you in at least 8 months despite being 5 miles away from your house, she’s not taken you up your offer to visit her and she’s arranged a family holiday and deliberately excluded you, this can’t be due to your baby, how can anyone dislike a baby? Especially a baby they haven’t even met? She clearly has an issue with you or your husband and your MIL knows it and thinks it’s reasonable as she’s defending her.

How was your relationship before you had the baby? If there’s been a sudden change since the baby has arrived then I would ask her if you’ve done something to upset her, as she’s acting differently towards you. If it was like this before the baby then it’s unreasonable to expect a new baby will suddenly repair a broken relationship.

Can I just make clear I haven't pushed anything, nor have I addressed her directly on this. My DP was obviously very upset to learn we had been excluded from this get together, organised by her, particularly given that she hasn't met our baby yet.
He then addressed it with his sister and they had an argument about it, with MIL taking her daughter's side over her son's. As far as the family are concerned I have nothing to do with it, so I haven't caused any rift. I don't personally believe it's that she doesn't like me, although of course I can't be sure. We've always got on pretty well and have a similar outlook on some things (definitely not this!)

I also feel it's a bit sexist to not take her at her word that she didn't and has never wanted children, or that she can't be genuinely happy without children. She has said repeatedly that she did not want children and enjoys her career more. Like other posters, I did also question DP about this, if this was really true, just because I'm so baffled by all this. But according to her this is the case.

I don't expect anyone to drop everything or be waited on hand and foot. It's hurtful to be rejected and excluded from things, not so much for myself (I'm a grown up and I can handle it), but for the little one. But there's nothing to do except move on from it.

It's really sad, but once it happens it's usually better to accept it and move on. A family dysfunctional enough to do this will not respond well to being challenged

This is spades. I would never cheat in a relationship for example. No matter what the state of the relationship I know I'm the sort of person that could not cross that line. In families there is also a family coda. If it's acceptable to behave like this then there will be lots of grey areas of what is right and wrong and justifications based on golden child/scapegoat dynamic. In other kinder families this secret trip would not have played out this way.

Anyway now you know how they all feel you can adapt your expectations accordingly.

Maybe she reads on here about the 'little family' and the 'bonding', have you actually invited her?

My SIL has still not visited our 8 month old. I was always of the opinion that when a baby is born, friends and family should visit, unless there's some specific reason why they can't.

I like babies but when my niece was born, I wasn’t rushing to buy a plane ticket or pestered my brother for photos. I sent some nice stuff over I thought all of them could use, loved the pictures when they came but I am not mad about babies and tbh, what is the baby going to remember from the visit? Why should it be a duty of a relative to visit a baby? Don’t get it. If you see them at family occasions, they’re eventually going to see the baby anyway.

If you see them at family occasions, they’re eventually going to see the baby anyway.

The SIL is actively avoiding them. Even to go so far as organising a family trip in secret. RTFT.

I would never have raised the issue with her, certainly not to the point where your husband has fallen out with his sister and his mother has got involved. What good has that done?

Eight months may not seem very long in a busy life, especially if someone is only just holding on to health in order to be fit for her work - her livelihood! She only has herself, you have a husband to support you.

It isn't particularly etiquette to go and meet a new baby; a lot of threads on here are about how inconsiderate people are intruding on new parents with their child early on when they are all getting used to each other, trying to feed and mum not feeling so good. I would have hated it except for the grandparents who were helpful.

What I do is send card, flowers, present or whatever, write little note saying looking forward to paying a brief visit when they feel like it and wait to be asked.

So how did they explain away the trip/activity you were excluded from? What was the response and party line that the MIL took? Does that explain anything?

I would be looking for more insight from the MIL from the point of view is everything OK/ have we upset SIL. If she says not then drop things as it’s clearly a case of SIL not being interested.

MIL might give you a steer and help with closure on this. It doesn’t look like it’s going to get better anytime soon, so leave it and let them see how excluding your family leads to seeing a lot less of the baby - not out of spite, just through getting on with things in the way they are indicating they want you to.

To be honest, I don’t care that my SIL is currently pregnant for the first time and I don’t plan to visit when the baby arrives. We’ll see them when we all stay over at PIL’s house at some point.

Our DC are nearly through the really hard physical phase, so during stays with PIL it’ll be our turn to chill out with a glass of wine whilst BIL/SIL chase around after their little one. They are always nice to our DC when we see them, but didn’t help in any way whilst DH and I ran about with young babies/toddlers trying to soothe/feed/settle/play/bath/put to bed etc.

Enjoy your DC, it doesn’t matter really if your SIL is disinterested in them.

Was the 'Great Christmas Getaway' specifically planned to exclude you, or more of a 'extra rooms at the cottage we hired, see if X wants to come along'? If she organised it, sadly it's her invitation, do you usually get along well with the in-laws?

As I've said, I didn't raise the issue. My DP did. I was not present in this argument, it was between the two of them.
She does not only have herself, she is in a relationship.
Thanks for your opinion about visiting though, that is really what I was trying to find out by posting this. It seems opinion is almost evenly split as to whether it's the done thing, regardless of interest level in babies.

I think it's perfect reasonable to assume someone would visit their sibling and thst siblings new baby shory after its birth at a convenient time unless there's major issues in their relationship.
How did they get along before baby? Is there a big she gap between them? Would they usually go 8 months between seeing each other etc?

It's perfectly reasonable for a person to raise with their sibling being secretly left out of a family holiday.

I don't think you're being precious op. If baby was 8 days or even 8 weeks, maybe. But baby is 8 months, she's been near your house lots, clearly had involvement with other family children etc.