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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

221 replies

stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:06

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

OP posts:
thetreeisstressingmeout · 04/01/2020 21:12

YABU

doritosdip · 04/01/2020 21:13

Yabu

A small gift is appropriate. I buy several small gifts for kids (like my neighbours) despite barely knowing them. Advent calendars are like a quid or two so are great token gifts.

Personally I can't believe my ex's gf hasn't bought my kids even a £1 Easter Egg after being with their Dad for several years. (She's on a 6 figure salary and has no kids herself so nobody will be put out if my kids get some chocolate)

PawPawNoodle · 04/01/2020 21:30

Sounds like your new fella is deflecting because he didn't think to get the kids anything for Christmas. Would you have lost your rag at him if he had done the same?

JorisBonson · 04/01/2020 21:55

Same @PinkCrayon. What must the kids think?? Surely someone could rent somewhere cheaply nearby?

FraglesRock · 05/01/2020 10:05

As long as it's not an iPad I'd think it was a nice welcoming gesture.
Tbh if I was seriously dating someone with kids I would have bought them a small gift, seems rude not to.

itwaseverthus · 06/01/2020 01:47

Classic AIBU YUBU and fucked off.

agonyauntie2020 · 06/01/2020 02:14

YABU

And you should buy a little something for your new partner's kids too.

DuMondeB · 06/01/2020 03:26

You don’t really get a say on what your ex husband (and any new girlfriends) decide or do once you’ve split up, I’m afraid!

Hopefully you’ll make the switch to successful co-parents in time but part of that success is realising that everything is now a negotiation and sometimes you will have conflicting ideas on what’s best.

As someone who is both a stepmum and a bio mum to a child from a previous marriage, I’d say a couple of token gifts is a good sign! She’s acknowledging her new boyfriend comes with kids and that kids like Xmas presents!

Hopefully you will find it easier when you are in two separate households...

Scarsthelot · 06/01/2020 06:00

Yabu. You and your partner are just fucked off that your ex has met someone who earns well.

Your partners opinion on this entirely irrelevant. He dwells in competition with her.

The word set up, is far more concerning.

In the situation of a woman buying her boyfriends kids presents, you are irrelevant. It's not an insult. It's nothing to do with you at all. I cant even understand why her wage preys on your mind at all. You ended the marriage, he moved on. It sounds like you are more annoyed he moved on to someone who earns well. Did you think he would struggle to find a partner?

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2020 06:22

YABU, and an overwhelming 95% of nearly 1,000 voters think so.

You seem unduly influenced by what your shit-stirring boyfriend thinks of the situation, someone who hasn’t even met your kids, far less so much as given them a packet of fruit pastels for Xmas.

Hopefully once you and the ex are no longer under each others feet in a shared house, you’ll feel a bit more reasonable about your ex’s new girlfriend.

vapourtrail · 06/01/2020 06:39

OP how long have you both been in relationships for? As you are still living together it can't be that long surely? Most people when they split need time to adjust and can't even think about dating for awhile, especially as your kids are older so you had obviously been with your ex for a long time. Based on that I would have thought these are both new relationships and in which case YANBU to not want her impacting on your kids lives until the relationship is very well established.

I am surprised by all the YABU comments to be honest - in some threads you read people absolutely getting slated for introducing a new partner to their children unless it is a long term relationship, whereas here people don't seem to have a problem with it. This could easily be the first of many relationships your partner has until he finds the one, are they all going to meet the kids and start buying them presents?? What a headfuck for the kids!

RedHelenB · 06/01/2020 07:11

Kids like presents. Yabu.

Somanysocks · 06/01/2020 08:08

Your ex's new partner sounds much nicer than you.

flouncyfanny · 06/01/2020 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lanurk · 06/01/2020 09:26

I’ve not read all the responses but when I was 9 my dad met someone new and she bought us chocolate. My mum has coached us to refuse gifts but it was a sweetffs. I’m in my 30’s and still remember the bollocking she gave me and my sisters. Tried speaking to her about it a couple of years ago and she refused to see her pettiness is in part why I sabotaged my relationship with my father. He died when I was in my early 20’s without me having seen him in over a decade. Don’t be that kind of person or your kids might grow up with a solid nugget of disdain in them for things like that.

nowaypose · 06/01/2020 09:53

YABVU. I think you’re massively projecting jealousy, bitterness and hurt. She’s trying to be nice.

Dogsaremyfavorite · 06/01/2020 09:58

Oh you sound like hard work!

I would far rather have someone wanting to connect and be kind to my kids than someone ignore the fact that they exist. I think it was kind and something I would do.

Bibidy · 06/01/2020 10:39

God imagine being so bitter that you can't bear someone buying a present for your kids.

You should be glad that this woman is kind enough to think of them when she barely even knows them.

motherheroic · 06/01/2020 11:09

Tell your 'partner' to stop stirring. Sounds like he is deflecting because he got your kids fuck all.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/01/2020 11:10

Get a grip

saraclara · 06/01/2020 11:15

She's not forcing a connection. She's just made a baby step towards one.

I think it's a thoughtful and positive gesture that you're determined to spin into something negative.

thistimeofyear · 06/01/2020 11:29

YABU
Why is it insulting ? You share a house but you have new relationships. Insulting to who exactly? I hope you don't pass all your negativity on to your DC

NameChangeNugget · 06/01/2020 11:31

Basically, whatever this poor woman does in your eyes, is going to be wrong. You sound like hard work

nevermorelenore · 06/01/2020 11:32

Missing the point of the thread, but I get the ick hearing the word partner. Especially for some bloke you've been dating while still living with your ex.

One of you needs to move out, even if it's to a small rented studio for now, so you can stop all this high school crap.

1moreRep · 06/01/2020 11:36

ask yourself an honest question:

will your behaviour and attitude going to help your kids or hurt them?

YABU

You need to let it go,having another female a step mother who loves your kids will make the separation easier for them and enrich their lives

try to love your kids more than you hate your ex

and i say this as someone who has a great relationship with their exp and i am thankful for his partner who has a great relationship with my kids.

I have seen children really damaged by bitter divorces and one partner treating them as a possession to point score over their ex. No body wins in those situations, rise above it.