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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

221 replies

stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:06

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

OP posts:
BigOldOakTree · 04/01/2020 15:27

For all we know the kids are 18 and 16 - as OP won't say this thread is quite meaningless.

PityParty4one · 04/01/2020 15:28

I have never met my God daughters baby but I buy him birthday and Christmas gifts.
He knows of me he just hasn't met me ( they are not in uk).

I think that the children probably know of her so she's not some complete random.

I think it was nice and shows that she thought of them.
Do you really want to waste your energy on something so trivial?

Noti23 · 04/01/2020 15:28

How is it insulting to you that she bought your children presents? It’s not like she bought you a gift.

Maybe she was trying to be kind? Maybe she thought it would be the right thing to do? Cut her some slack.

NorthEndGal · 04/01/2020 15:28

So his new partner, who you even said was better suited than you, does things differently to you. It will happen.
If the new personnisnt causing harm, let it alone

Original poster
stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:29

To answer a couple of questions:

The xmas presents were not so small, probably £20-30 each.

Our kids are 9, 12, 14

No, my new partner has not yet met my kids.

OP posts:
OneDay10 · 04/01/2020 15:30

Isnt it nice of her to make the effort even though she doesnt know your kids? Why do you need to read something sinister into it.
You sound very insecure about her

katewhinesalot · 04/01/2020 15:30

Big gifts would be inappropriate. A couple of nice bits? I think it's nice she's making an effort.

MojoMoon · 04/01/2020 15:30

Why does her earning enough worry you?

Do you think she will use this money to buy your children?!

Suggests very strongly you aren't as happy about him having a partner as you claim if you are insecure about your children deciding they prefer to have a new, richer mother.

Your kids must be quite confused about the whole thing. When are you separating properly and moving to a shared parenting agreement?

katewhinesalot · 04/01/2020 15:30

That's enough money to buy something nice but not so big as to be inappropriate.

Pippa12 · 04/01/2020 15:33

I’d let this one go. It seems she wants to make an effort which is great news for you. The effect of a split and a toxic/uninterested new partner are a recipe for a unsettled house hold.

Send her part of their Xmas list next time Grin

CoffeeCoinneseur · 04/01/2020 15:33

Your ex should not have introduced your children to his new partner while you still live together.

The new partner should not be buying them Christmas gifts, as she should not have met them yet.

It's fucked up.

Your children must be really confused - especially your youngest.

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/01/2020 15:34

YABU. She was being kind.

Why are you bothered about how much she earns?

Cleoscats · 04/01/2020 15:34

How do you know how much she earns, OP?

You should jealous.

Raspberrytruffle · 04/01/2020 15:35

I'd be thrilled if my ex's partner was so thoughtful towards my children, even more happy that shes nice to my kids. Could be worse OP she could be a complete arsehole towards my kids but shes chosen to be caring. You have split up OP it is about the children now not you. I'm sure it will get easier and you will learn to parent calmly eventually!

JorisBonson · 04/01/2020 15:35

How long have you been separated for?.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/01/2020 15:37

I think it's fine. She hasn't bought them a phone just a small present. Thoughtful is nice, and she's certainly not spent enough to be a bribe or confusing.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 15:37

Would you rather she pretended they didn't exist? You should be grateful she's making the effort.

CrazyToast · 04/01/2020 15:37

I can see why it would annoy you but it's most likely just a nice gesture.

Original poster
stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:37

No, the kids are not confused, they are pretty well behaved and stable, and taking it all ok tbh.

my new partner has not yet met my kids as we didn't it appropriate until fully separated.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2020 15:38

the new GF sounds very kind and thoughtful... I think it's a very positive response to a delicate situation.. consider the alternative version involving having a vile selfish uncaring woman in your Exes life .. thus affecting your childrens well being too.. I think you are being unreasonable OP. Flowers

SonEtLumiere · 04/01/2020 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peterspotter · 04/01/2020 15:39

Your feeling like this because another potential mother figure has made her presence known to your kids whist you are not ready.

Think very carefully about your attitude towards this woman because your kids could spend a very large amount of time with her in the future.

Your new partner needs to wind his neck in from winding you up about her. You do realise he is only trying to cause bad feeling between you and your ex husband don’t you?

Don’t be that that ex partner

IncrediblySadToo · 04/01/2020 15:39

It's inappropriate and overstepping and confusing for the kids

Confusing? Inappropriate?
I think a few small presents really doesn’t compare to the parents having ‘split’ but still lining in the sane house & both having been partners.

@NewMe2020

Big News. She’s not you. What you choose to do re your new partners children is your decision, what she does re her new partners children is her decision. To put it bluntly - you’ve said he’s happier now... The reason he’s happier now is that she’s not the same as you. So stop believing that your way us the right way and her way is the wrong way!

You SAY you’re happy & not jealous - words are cheap, your behaviour & language re the new gf is telling a different story

Ellisandra · 04/01/2020 15:42

I don’t think your new partner is all that.
It’s fact, I think he’s a stirrer, and you need to try out having your own opinions.

The gifts are just a nice gesture, is all.

Ellisandra · 04/01/2020 15:42

*isn’t all that!