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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

221 replies

stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:06

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 04/01/2020 15:57

@runoutofnamechanges because when discussing 4 people using “they” would made for clunky and possibly clumsy replies. So it’s easier to reply adding a gender - and it doesn’t matter if you do, because it makes no difference to opinion.

If you’re going to assume a gender for ease of answering, it makes sense on MUMSnet to assume OP is female, and as there are more straight people with children than gay people, it makes sense to assume they are both straight relationships.

Jimdandy · 04/01/2020 15:58

This is why women will never rule the world. Bitterness and jealously always get in the way.

It was a nice kind thing to do and you’re still shitting on it. Some people can’t win.

Peterspotter · 04/01/2020 16:01

bought presents for her new mans child in order to try and force a connection

If you look for an angle on any situation you will find one.

You already don’t want to like her. Honestly op watch yourself because you may be looking for trouble where there is none and this will only effect your kids.

Bite your tongue, smile and just get passed it. It’s not that big of a deal. If you stir stuff up over this you will come across as jealous.

She isn’t trying to steal your kids. She maybe laying the path to a good relationship with them - which you really do need!

There are countless threads on here from stepmothers who really dislike their step kids. Don’t instigate bad feeling.

aroundtheworldyet · 04/01/2020 16:06

I’m always amazed that people who are still living together have immediately managed to get new partners. I mean not even boyfriend girlfriend
Partner
How the fuck do they manage it.

sleepingkat2020 · 04/01/2020 16:06

i think shes just being nice. Maybe £30 is a small token gift to her. 100k a year is approx £48 an hour so shes spent around 40mins wage on each kid.

maybe slightly different but my DSister has a new partner. he has kids. ive met him twice. i havnt met them yet but i knew they were around my DSisters house over christmas so i sent them a £10 itunes voucher each and a selection box. theyre kids and its christmas. spread the love. HO HO HO.

Soon2bemum2017 · 04/01/2020 16:07

Why would it be an issue?

This last Christmas I personally worked very hard to ensure my child and my partners child had equal everything... not for any other reason than to try and normalise the split family times and make it as easy and enjoyable as possible on their part. We have not been together that long but it felt the right thing to do.

This woman is probably used to treating her family to gifts and so treated the children to gifts to so as not to ostracise them from their dad. There's not really anymore to think about it than that.

Be greatfull she want's your children in their lives as opposed to just putting up a wall between them and her.

lazyarse123 · 04/01/2020 16:10

Do you think you might be bothered because your bf hasn't got your kids anything? Btw I think it's nice that she has made an effort.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 04/01/2020 16:11

@aroundtheworldyet

*I’m always amazed that people who are still living together have immediately managed to get new partners. I mean not even boyfriend girlfriend
*Partner
How the fuck do they manage it

I'm guessing low standards, they're just not that fussy.

I mean anyone with anything about them wouldn't go near someone who was mid-split, still living with their ex and children, never mind meeting the children.

Most sensible people would run a mile, or at least say give me a call once you're properly separated and living somewhere else.

cheeseandpineapple · 04/01/2020 16:12

YABU to think it’s unacceptable. YANBU to think it’s probably trying a bit hard. She obviously likes your ex and wants the relationship to work and form a connection with the children to help facilitate that.

Ultimately you initiated the split so if things are amicable with your ex and you’re both happy with new partners, wouldn’t judge harshly, she’s going to be a part of your children’s lives if the relationship continues.

Whilst I don’t think you’re jealous of her or your ex, suspect you’re going to feel weird about your children having a step mother and another potential maternal figure in their lives. And if she doesn’t have her own kids (which sounds like she doesn’t) she may dote on them and you’ll have to adapt to that and might feel you can’t compete when she has a high disposable income. That’s a separate issue you may have to tackle in the future in terms of how to ensure you don’t “punish” her for your choices if the children end up liking her. You’re always going to be their mother but if it comes across as you’re judging the new partner unreasonably, they’re going to pick up on that and hold back telling you what’s happening when they’re with their dad.

MamaGee09 · 04/01/2020 16:14

At least she is making an effort, I’m sure you’d complain if she didn’t try with your children.

Good on her, she sounds lovely. I’d rather my kids had a good relationship with both parents and their partners, it makes life much easier for all parties involved.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 16:16

The kids will be well happy with extra presents. I don’t see a problem Grin

Keepmewarm · 04/01/2020 16:16

Your new chap agrees with you because he didn’t get the dc anything!

I think she sounds nice. Do you not want someone kind in your children’s life?

avocadotofu · 04/01/2020 16:18

That seems like a lovely thing to do, YABU.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 04/01/2020 16:19

It's fairly obvious the OP is a man he is deliberately not using any pronouns other than 'they'

catlady3 · 04/01/2020 16:22

I think it's something that should have been discussed with you and your ex. But in principle, probably better than the new partner not trying to connect with the kids?

girlanonymous · 04/01/2020 16:22

You sound like the type of person who would be complaining if they hadn't bought the kids anything.

Be grateful that she is someone who thought to buy the kids gifts.

JKScot4 · 04/01/2020 16:23

Your new partner has a bit of a bloody cheek telling you what should be happening when he’s not even met your kids, he needs to wind his neck in.
What your ex’s new partner earns is fuck all to do with you! I’ve had sarky remarks made to me from DPs ex, it’s pathetic.
I think the gifts are thoughtful be glad she seems a nice person.

lilmishap · 04/01/2020 16:26

OP what is the worst case scenario with the presents?
What damage will it do?
Why do you give a shit?

MissBax · 04/01/2020 16:29

Why does the amount she earns concern you? You sound jealous, in a few ways.

lilmishap · 04/01/2020 16:30

my new partner has not yet met my kids as we didn't it appropriate until fully separated

Eh? Why aren't you separated then? I take it you haven't slept with new bloke either as you're not fully separated?

MaryShelley1818 · 04/01/2020 16:32

YABU. She sounds thoughtful and kind.
She's already met the children so not sure I understand how she hasn't "properly" met them, so a small gift each is more than appropriate in these circumstances.

LongWalkShortPlank · 04/01/2020 16:33

I feel like this potentially has more to do with the fact that neither you or your partner bought for each others children, but she did, and the way that makes you look. She could just be a kind and thoughtful person, I would probably have bought some nice gifts in that situation too because surely its worse not to bother at all if the relationship is serious. She has met the kids and clearly takes their role in your exes life seriously. You could do a LOT worse than someone like that. My daughter didn't even get a Christmas phone call, let alone a gift, from her dad, but my boyfriend did get her gifts. All that really matters is that everyone is on the same team and working towards the same goal, which is the best interests of the children. You're already NOT doing that over some Christmas gifts, and what example are you setting on kindness by slating that with your boyfriend, especially when the kids are old enough to understand if there is any friction. The fact is you might all be stuck in each others lives for a long time and you get further being kind than you do being jealous.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 04/01/2020 16:35

Your ex's new partner sounds great.

TwoOneBravo · 04/01/2020 16:38

You’ve got a long, hard road ahead of you if you’re going to overthink things to this degree.

She bought them token presents. That’s nice. It’s not like she got them iPads.

This woman may be in your DCs life for some time (perhaps forever). However tempting it is, don’t sent up a situation where everything she does is ‘odd’ or ‘intrusive’. Though you can sometimes get the impression from MN that the world is populated by manipulative narcissists, it really isn’t. Most people are fundamentally decent and trying their best. It sounds like she is too. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2020 16:38

Personally I don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone to be seeing other people while they’re still living in the family home together.

And they’re not your partner They’re the bloke/woman each of you are seeing on the side, given you’re actually still with each other.

I don’t usually get too pedantic about the whole term partner etc, but in this instance it absolutely isn’t an appropriate term.

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