Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

[stedmunds]

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

There is nothing wrong with his new partner buying a little gift for them (£20-£30 isn't really extravagant ) so she is not in the wrong or being inappropriate IMO

However, if I'm honest I really don't know how I would feel/react to a potential other woman in that situation getting close to my children ( probably not very well inside if I'm honest ) But I do know, if she was a nice person and the relationship was healthy and stable I would put my big girl pants on for my children and be civil and positive.

Why does you partner think it's insulting ?
I really wouldn't make an issue of this, I'm sure as you come to separate living you will come across bigger issues to "discuss".

Let it slide, it's once a year and see how it goes,

I look forward to future threads:

• my children’s SM took her kids on holiday but not mine
• my children’s SM inherited &1million and didn’t share it equally with my DC
• DC SM bought her child a new coat from Next and mine a coat from Primark - Aibu to think this is unfair?

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting Eh? Won't you always be sharing a house with your children?

If you've both moved on then why are you fussed whether the ex's new partner buys little gifts for your children?

@DamnShesaSexyChick they could all be men. Or could all be women. It's irrelevant though really.

How weird. She didn't buy presents for YOUR kids, she bought small gifts for HIS (her new partner's) kids. To me it shows that she's considerate, acknowledges them and will try to build a normal step-parent relationship in the future. Which is good.

I'd actually would think the complete opposite. I'd expect my new partner to buy a little something for my child. Even if he hasn't met my DD yet (or met once). A small toy or a box of candies, nothing extravagant. If he'd meet me for Christmas with a gift for me and absolutely nothing for my child, I wouldn't like that. That's inconsiderate. I'm coming into relationship with a child and not alone, and I'd expect my new partner to acknowledge that.

This woman didn't do anything wrong, quite the opposite, imo.

Ffs sake - I pity the girlfriend having to put up with you!

It might be considered impolite not to have got them anything, especially at Christmas. It's thoughtful and sweet.

When you go to even a party or dinner, not knowing the hosts, you take chocolates, flowers, wine.

@AlternativePerspective

Maybe the fault was not that you bought the presents, but that your ex didn't.

He didn't want her knowing you bought them because of course it was not appropriate that you rather than he had bought them. (Although you knew he wouldn't)

Next year when you didn't buy them it seemed like he hadn't bothered. Which he hadn't. Either year!

I'm also happy that my ex has a new partner believe it or not, they seem happier
Yes. I'd easily believe that - you sound like hard work.

I buy presents for friends children I've not met when I see them, and when they were younger, at Christmas.
They're small gifts - it's not as if she's got them bikes or Xboxes. Might be seen as 'buying affection' - but I'd take it as a positive that she is making an effort to establish a positive relationship with them.

Sounds like you are jealous over what your ex and his new partner comic provide financially for the kids that you can't?

Out of curiosity, how long have your ex (and you) been with together with new partners?

She sounds really kind

It might be that you’re cross your partner didn’t think to do this?

How long have you been 'separated'?

Do the new partners have children?

My OH has only met my children ONCE before we were even an item, yet he always buys them a few little things every Christmas. They don't even know we're in a relationship, just that we're friends. I love him all the more for his thoughtfulness.

I can understand why this feels like she's overstepped the mark for you OP (I had a similar reaction when DD had her fingernails painted by her SM within weeks of meeting her), but I think it's a positive thing. She wasn't being flashy, just trying to be kind.

I think you should have both waited till you were actually separated to get new partners involved in your children's life personally 🤷‍♀️

But yes maybe gift buying is too soon especially as YOUR partner comes across as a tight arse now

How awful! I’d be furious that your ex’s partner, a woman who potentially could become their step mother in the future, is already showing such kindness towards your children and making an effort by getting them small token gifts...
I am a step mother, my 2 children also have a step mother and quite frankly I’d be insulted if she didn’t get them anything for Christmas!
I think you just need to be grateful, the more people to love and care for your children, the better. Focus on your own relationship 🤦‍♀️

Poor bloody kids. Living in a house with Mum and Dad but being told they are split and then seeing them going out on date nights with other people.

You need to think about protecting your kids from the damage that will cause rather than worry about someone sending them a couple of presents to be nice.

Its not about you

Poor bloody kids. Living in a house with Mum and Dad but being told they are split and then seeing them going out on date nights with other people.

My thoughts exactly.

What type of family life for the kids who have their parents "separated" but living together? The tension in the ouse must be unbearable.
How does that work practically?
Separate mealtimes?
Who cooks for the kids?
Do you all sit watch TV together?
And both parents having other "partners". The whole situation is a mess- completely confusing to me, the kids must find this very distressing.
If you separate then one of you needs to move out.

Establishing new routines and homes that the children can have some stability and security.
Making the split as trauma free for the children, both parents should be giving extra time and energy to the children at this difficult time.

And yet both of you have new "partners", even though you haven't technically separated.

You need to put the welfare of your children above your love lives.
Move on, sort yourselves out financially and accommodation wise before thinking about jumping into another car crash relationship.

she bought presents for children at Christmas ...

I personally don't do presents, but always make sure to get any friends with children a token gift for their kids, as its christmas, its still magical for children and I feel children deserve to hold onto and love that magic for as long as possible as it dosent last forever. So definitely agree that you have a underlying issue here rather then the issue being your exes partner buying gifts.

I look forward to future threads:

- my children’s SM took her kids on holiday but not mine
- my children’s SM inherited &1million and didn’t share it equally with my DC
- DC SM bought her child a new coat from Next and mine a coat from Primark - Aibu to think this is unfair?

There are actually people who think like this as well! So bizarre.

You had a chance to think nice here and you chose not to!

@funinthesun19
I know, those were just the first three threads I could recall off the top of my head

So, in summary;

You broke up with husband. Found someone else. Ex moved on, found someone else, who sounds kind, bought some small gifts, and now youre angry at her because you think she's trying to buy your children's affection, and the fact that she earns well over 100K is playing on your mind because you know she can?

YABU. Grow up. Poor children. And move out asap!

Sorry I can't get past the fact you have both separated but still living together and both dating other people. How confusing for your children.