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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

221 replies

stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:06

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

OP posts:
speakout · 04/01/2020 15:43

Maybe you should focus on the fact your kids are probably confused as hell at their parents still sharing the same house and both having new partners. Maybe sort that out and stop moaning about someone making an effort with your kids

Yes

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/01/2020 15:43

It does come across as jealously rather than concern for the children’s welfare given you mention her salary etc which has no bearing on the situation.

It’s good that’s she acknowledged the children, so many new partners aren’t welcoming of existing children.

I’d be more concerned of the living situation for the children and their view now of how relationships work than a gift.

BanjoStarz · 04/01/2020 15:44

YABU

I think it would be more odd if she hadn’t bought them something - it’s Christmas, they’re the children of her boyfriend, she bought them gifts.

You sound like hard work.

iforgotthatyouexisted · 04/01/2020 15:44

I can understand feeling a bit weird about it as the children's mother but lots of stuff probably will as you all get used to the new normal.

I think unless you have any evidence to the contrary then take this that their dad's new girlfriend wanted to do something nice because the kids are important to him.

Yes, she might be sucking up but wouldn't we all want to be liked?

Try to see it as a positive.

And I know it's hard to sell houses at the moment but god, you all shouldn't be living together still when you both have new relationships!

speakout · 04/01/2020 15:45

You have a new partner yet still live with your old partner.???

iforgotthatyouexisted · 04/01/2020 15:45

I also agree that actually it sounds like your new partner is stirring things up. Is he trying to cause division between you and your ex? Does he seem jealous?

Mlou32 · 04/01/2020 15:46

It seems as though she is just trying to build a connection with them seeing as she is getting involved with their father. However I do know of a friend of mine who bought presents for her new mans child in order to try and force a connection. That's the type of person she is though, she constantly tries to force friendship on people. Without knowing this woman and how many times she's met the kids, the strength of the relationship between her and the dad etc, it's difficult to say.

I think maybe you are being slightly unreasonable however I get that it must be a difficult dynamic, having a new woman coming into their lives.

Hepsibar · 04/01/2020 15:46

Seems thoughtful and kind to me and as you say they were small gifts.

It doesnt reflect on you badly that you didnt do the same. It's just different people think differently.

Mlou32 · 04/01/2020 15:47

It also sounds as though your new partner is trying to stir the pot a little. That's not on when kids are involved.

Ellisandra · 04/01/2020 15:47

@katewhinesalot is spot on about the amount being enough to get something nice, without being inappropriate.

Laughing at all this “partner” nonsense though. You just have a boyfriend / He has a girlfriend.

If she’s actually a partner then even more appropriate to buy them gifts.

runoutofnamechanges · 04/01/2020 15:47

I agree you do sound jealous but I think it is because the new partner is wealthy:

I will concede one thing though, the ex's new partner earns a lot (£100k+) and that worries me

Are you concerned that the new partner will buy your children's affection and they will like them more than you?

NorthernSpirit · 04/01/2020 15:48

You would probably be complaining if they weren’t bought gifts.

Step parents can’t get it right. It’s a nice gesture, take it for what it is and stop being so controlling. There will be bigger battles.

Original poster
stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:48

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I only conceded to being jealous of the salary as proof that I can admit when I'm jealous.

I'm not sure if people are saying I'm jealous of the new partner or of their potential future relationship with my kids tbh.

OP posts:
daydreambeleiver · 04/01/2020 15:49

Seems like a nice gesture to me.

Getitwright · 04/01/2020 15:49

Maybe you need to come to terms with the fact there is going to be a new Mum type figure in your children’s lives. Not saying she is going to replace you, but hopefully she will treat your children with kindness, respect, and possibly a good degree of love. Much like I would hope any partner you find can also do for your children.

How ex’s and parents react to changing relationships can be life altering for children of such relationships. Jealousy, competitiveness and nastiness of any kind never helps, and it’s surprising the vibes children do pick up on. Hope everything works out ok for you all.

runoutofnamechanges · 04/01/2020 15:49

Why is everyone assuming the OP is female? They haven't mentioned the sex/gender of any of the parties.

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 15:50

I think it's nice that she's interested in the kids of the man she's with. Surely it's better than her not liking them and thinking they're a drag.

Give her a break and try and get to a place where you can all co parent amicably.

Oldishusernewname · 04/01/2020 15:50

"my partner thinks, my partner thinks"

Who cares what he thinks? He is your boyfriend not your bloody partner, he hasn't even met your children and you still live with their father. Why not put their feelings first instead of your own sex life? That goes for their father too, both of you ramming new love interests in their faces. Fucking hell, poor kids

slashlover · 04/01/2020 15:51

How new is this new partner? A week = a bit unreasonable, a few months not unreasonable.

SimonJT · 04/01/2020 15:52

My boyfriend only met my son a few months ago, he bought him two very thoughtful reasonably priced presents. It’s a kind thing to do.

You do come across as a little insecure about your exs new girlfriend, it’s okay to feel a bit worried, but it isn’t okay to let those feelings have an impact on your children if they are happy and well treated.

Original poster
stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:52

@Mlou32 yes!

bought presents for her new mans child in order to try and force a connection

That is exactly what I am concerned about.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/01/2020 15:52

The thing is, if you’ve decided to split up and move on your children are going to be impacted by this regardless of what you want and hope for. All you can do is try and make it as pleasant and courteous as possible, and behave respectfully towards one another.

Ex’s DW and her parents, sister and brother all buy Christmas and Birthday gifts for DS1 (who is Ex’s child) and DS2 who is not. Ex’s DW is lovely, I’m eternally grateful he’s met someone who loves DS1 and who welcomes and cherishes him as her own family. It’s as nice as it’s possible for a “broken” family to be, tbh.

BackOnceAgainWithATinselHalo · 04/01/2020 15:54

I suspect she’s debated with herself and err-ed on the side of buying things rather than be seen as disinterested.

MegaClutterSlut · 04/01/2020 15:56

Yabu I would probably feel a tiny bit weird about it too at first and then I'd come my senses and realise she is just being nice. Think your reading too much into it imo

BigFatLiar · 04/01/2020 15:57

Even if she hasn't met the kids its nice for him that she's being considerate of his kids and not ignoring them. They are part of his life and at least she's showing hat she knows they're important to him.

I used to work in a smallish team and the manager would buy selection boxes for the children of the team members at Christmas. Some thought it a bit naff but others appreciated the thought.