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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from ex's new partner to my kids

221 replies

stedmunds · 04/01/2020 15:06

AIBU to think it's unacceptable for my ex's new partner to buy gifts and then xmas presents for our children?

I've split with my partner but we are still sharing a house until we sell, we both have new partners.

My ex's new partner has bought the kids a couple of small gifts, an advent calendar (before they had even met), and now xmas presents, they met once just before xmas.

My new partner also has kids I would not think it was appropriate to buy them presents yet, my new partner agrees.

Firstly I do not think it's appropriate to buy gifts/presents for people you have not built up a relationship with, that seems a bit 'needy' to me.

Secondly, I think it's even more inappropriate to buy gifts/presents for kids who you have not built up a relationship with, mainly because kids are more easily influenced by this.

Thirdly, (why my partner thinks it's wrong) I think it's wrong for them to buy gifts/presents for my kids while I'm sharing a house with them, my partner thinks this is insulting.

OP posts:
TwoOneBravo · 04/01/2020 16:38

*set up not sent up

ballsdeep · 04/01/2020 16:41

What?!? Are you mad? I'd rather my exs new partner took an interest and bought presents instead of ignoring and acting like countless other step parents . You sound hard work and very controlling op.

BrickTop999 · 04/01/2020 16:47

Poor kids
Sell the damn house for whatever price you can get and both move on !
How weird you both have new partners whilst still sharing a house ( shudder )
That should be your priority not some little presents !

speakout · 04/01/2020 16:50

How weird you both have new partners whilst still sharing a house ( shudder )
That should be your priority not some little presents !

Agreed.

damnthatanxiety · 04/01/2020 16:53

So you and your new partner couldn't be arsed or didn't even think to buy gifts for your ex's new partners dc so you repackage the scenario to suggest she is the one with the problem. Righto. You two sound horrendous. You and your new partner are indeed suited. Equally tight and miserable.

Mrsmummy90 · 04/01/2020 16:54

YABU. I think it was quite nice of her. She may end up being a big part of your children's lives so starting a relationship with them on a positive note is a really good thing.

PepePig · 04/01/2020 16:55

Agree with most PP tbh.

Sell the house asap.
Move out.
Move on.
Stop being bitter and tight.
She sounds nicer than you.

Frankola · 04/01/2020 16:56

You have a problem because someone was nice to your kids?

Someone who could end up playing a huge role in their lives?

Let me guess, your partner didnt get them presents? Easy to see why he'd say he didnt agree with her doing so...

DeeCeeCherry · 04/01/2020 16:58

I agree with you OP.

When my parents split and my Dad moved on to someone else, I didn't like her buying presents for my DCs. She didn't know me or them really and for me, she was trying to buy their affection rather than just get to know them naturally and over time. Too full on. Small presents at first then they got elaborate. Just, No.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/01/2020 16:59

You and your partner are the dickheads here not your husband’s gf. It’s weird not to get gifts for your partner’s kids.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 04/01/2020 17:03

Just because you would make (and have) a different judgment call does not make it ‘inappropriate’. You didn’t buy presents for your new partner’s children. Nor he for yours, as you both felt it was too soon. Those decisions were not ‘inappropriate’. Your ex’s new partner has a different opinion. That is not “inappropriate” either. Just different. It may be she is a bit eager to please. But your children are not harmed by it. Differences such as this are normal and part of life. Nothing to be upset about or dwell on.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/01/2020 17:06

Your title should be "Presents from ex's new partner to HIS kids".

Each to their own, but he's your ex. Even if you still live under the same roof. Maybe you need to move on and your boyfriend needs to keep his nose out of something that is absolutely none of his business.

You and your ex should have gotten your affairs (no pun intended) in order before starting new relationships and introducing them to your children. But, too late to bolt that gate now.

She sounds kind. She didn’t go over the top. She gave them a token gesture as their dad's new gf.

She has caused no harm to your kids. I'm sure they were delighted. Back off and leave your ex conduct his relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't take too kindly to him sticking his nose into yours.

funinthesun19 · 04/01/2020 17:07

One day she might not bother, and then you’ll probably have something to say about that too. I hope she doesn’t bother going forward and she saves her money.

Joker123 · 04/01/2020 17:07

It was a sweet gesture, I do understand how you would find it irritating because I think I probably would but it’s probably being a tad unreasonable.

myfuckingfreezer · 04/01/2020 17:12

They've obviously been dating for quite a long time, despite you two still living together, so I think it's fine,

ChocolateTeapots1 · 04/01/2020 17:12

I've never been separated or a step parent so maybe my view of it is different but I'd assume she was just trying to be nice?

I guess you'll probably not be happy either way, you'd be writing on here in 12 months time if she made no effort "my ex husband's new partner doesn't make any effort with our children and we share custody".

She isn't going to win either way is she.

Yarboosucks · 04/01/2020 17:14

I am really surprised that as you were typing this out, you did not realise that you were being really rather petty. Would you prefer it if she chose to ignore your DC?

You initiated the split and so now your room for complaint is rather limited!

Stoic123 · 04/01/2020 17:14

Instead of thinking ‘trying to force a connection’, think ‘trying to build a connection’.

She’s acknowledging your ex’s role as a father - not a bad thing.

Dontdisturbmenow · 04/01/2020 17:17

So she is acting like the new girlfriend who wants to impress her new man. Most likely she doesn't have kids so is excited at the prospect of meeting them and building a relationship with them. She thinks it will be fun.

Ok, she's deluded most likely, but frankly, with the set up you have agreed to, she is not acting much more strangely than you and ex are. She is certainly not confusing the kids as much as you and he are still living under the same roof.

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/01/2020 17:18

I'm guessing low standards, they're just not that fussy

Oh yeah, these people earning 100k a year, kind to their partners kids, are obviously so flawed really that no-one else would be with them.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2020 17:19

Slightly different but I bought presents from my DS for my eXH’s new partner and DD a few years ago. They were from DS but I bought them (well where was he going to get the money?) plus I was out at the shops, so I made the effort to find things they would both like.

After DS gave them the presents he was told that his DP mustn’t find out I’d bought them because it was inappropriate and she would be upset. So I didn’t bother again. Next year they got nothing and apparently that was wrong as well....

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 04/01/2020 17:21

It's a nice gesture - and as others have said, a small amount of money given her earnings, so not like she's really buying their affections -a small gift at Christmas really is neither here nor there. Neither your route, nor your ex's partners are inappropriate, just different. And different approaches suit different people, and that's fine.

I wonder if there's a bit of discomfort in your boyfriend's response - he may feel that he looks a bit mean by not gifting in comparison, so is working hard to position this as 'inappropriate' to make himself feel that his/your way was 'right'...?

Either way, I'd relax about the small stuff, take a deep breath and resolve to get the housing situation with your ex sorted asap.

2020BetterBeBetter · 04/01/2020 17:24

I think £30 per child is fine especially since she has a well paid job. It’s polite and friendly, and whilst she might have only met them once they are a fundamental part of her partner’s (so by default her) life. It’s just a kind gesture and if it’s the worst you ever have to worry about regarding how she is towards them, then it will make things far more pleasant for the children.

Waveysnail · 04/01/2020 17:27

But shes dating your ex. They are his kids too. Why wouldnt she buy gifts for the kids of the man she's dating and likes. Surely if she didnt then she would seem a bit of a cold fish and shouldnt be dating a man with kids

ColaFreezePop · 04/01/2020 17:28

YABU - give your head a wobble.