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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my friend without her very young children?

479 replies

Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:08

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

OP posts:
Davidbowiestrousers · 04/01/2020 09:09

Wow, you don't sound like a very nice friend

MrsBricks · 04/01/2020 09:10

"Let's meet for an adult free lunch"
"Do you want to go to that new bar in town on Saturday night?"
"I really fancy a child free shopping trip - do you want to come?"

Lipperfromchipper · 04/01/2020 09:10

Does she have childcare?? Dh, parents?maybe she doesn’t want to leave them? Why does it matter?!

Caterinaballerina · 04/01/2020 09:10

Invite her out in the evening?

Branleuse · 04/01/2020 09:10

Text hey friend, im dying to see you for a proper child free catch up like the old days. Are you up for it. Would you prefer something local and low key or do you fancy a concert or something?

Pardonwhat · 04/01/2020 09:10

I was prepared on reading the title to think you were being a bitch but upon reading it and seeing her partners often at home etc then I can’t see the need to bring the children constantly.
Can you arrange evening drinks so you can both be yourself for a few hours?

DeathStare · 04/01/2020 09:11

you aren't unreasonable to want it, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to gently ask if this is a possibility for her.

However you are unreasonable to assume that because it is/was possible for you, it is possible for her. Everybody's circumstances are different, and just because it seems possible from the outside doesn't mean it actually is possible.

It also might be that she doesn't want to leave her children, and if that's the case, and if you don't want to see her with them, you might just need to accept that you will see much less of her.

Knockthreetimes · 04/01/2020 09:12

Maybe she thinks you want to see them? Just say to her fancy a kids free shopping trip or whatever

AgathaVanHelsing · 04/01/2020 09:12

If she is a friend as you say can you not just say that you would like some one on one time with her?
Everyone knows having the kids with you means you can't talk properly. Me and friends do this sometimes.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 04/01/2020 09:12

Maybe she doesn't want to be away from them?

MelroseHigginbottom · 04/01/2020 09:12

You could suggest a spa day or going to see a very grown up film at the cinema?

Crystal87 · 04/01/2020 09:13

I know on the rare occasions I get family members to watch the kids for me, I prefer to do something with my DH. I wouldn't use it to go for a coffee with a friend. And on his weekends off, we prefer to spend time together as haven't seen him much during the week. Maybe you aren't as high on her list of priorities as she is on yours.

nowaypose · 04/01/2020 09:13

Her parents and IL’s may be alive but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re always available for childcare. Some grandparents aren’t supportive in that way. Does her DH work long hours?

Perhaps she doesn’t like being apart from them. Ask her if there’s any chance you could go for a child free meal/day out some time and see what she comes back with.

VeniVidiVoxi · 04/01/2020 09:14

Do you need to be polite? Would blunt be more effective? Like you say, she might just have got into the habit. "Would you like to meet without the kids on Sunday evening?" Try it, at least you'll know what her objections are (if any).

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:14

Wtf?? Why don’t I sound like a very nice friend? Do you routinely hang out with four year olds?

Death, no, this isn’t a friendly acquaintance, this is a long standing friendship that goes back some three decades. I do know. I know her family and her husband well. I know that I therefore should be able to raise this but I can’t think of a way to do so that’s not horribly rude.

agatha I have thought of just saying that but I do think she’d be offended, it’s difficult, I don’t know what to do really!

OP posts:
PineappleDanish · 04/01/2020 09:15

YANBU. Just because you're a parent it doesn't mean that you stop being "you", with interests away from your kids.

People who are all "Oh my kiddies are my life, we come as a package, I cant bear to be away from them for even an hour, I'd miss them sooooo much" are very tedious.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2020 09:15

There’s nothing wrong with wanting child free time with her.

Could you go round for a take away after the children have gone to bed?

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:16

Some aren’t noway but these are and in any event, there is another parent. I asked the other day casually if her DH was back at work and she said no, he was at home. I honestly think it’s just become part of her routine, in the same way I wouldn’t go out without my phone, she doesn’t go out without her kids. I think this is the problem, as if someone said to me ‘fancy going out without phones on sunday’ I suppose I would take that as a dig. Oh, well!

OP posts:
Murraygoldberg · 04/01/2020 09:16

You are not a bit unreasonable. Even as a single parent and with no family close by I very occasionally managed to meet up with friends without a child in tow. I would suggest an adults only activity. I suppose you could look at what she does the rest of the time as this would indicate how likely she will meet up childfree, my friends usually delighted for childfree weddings etc.

Daffodil101 · 04/01/2020 09:17

This would annoy me, too. Does she enjoy her kids constantly interrupting? I’d be driven mad.

Cant honestly believe people would want to take their small children everywhere. Seriously?

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:17

Not really purple, I mean her husband would be there (it’s his house obviously!) and it’s just not something we’ve done much. Occasionally at mine some years ago but never at hers.

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 04/01/2020 09:17

I know on the rare occasions I get family members to watch the kids for me, I prefer to do something with my DH. I wouldn't use it to go for a coffee with a friend.

^Exactly this.

Thunderclearstheair · 04/01/2020 09:17

My friends and I just say

‘Fancy a coffee kid free?’ Or ‘fancy escaping for a few hours kid free’

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2020 09:18

I don’t see how she could be offended if you said that it would be lovely to have a grown up catch up without the kids one time.

redcarbluecar · 04/01/2020 09:18

I love seeing friends’ kids, but it’s frustrating when you’re trying to catch up with a friend and nobody can complete a sentence because of interruptions and distractions. I think you have to form realistic expectations of what time spent with kids will be like, but you’re not unreasonable to want 1:1 time with your friend. Whether, realistically, you will GET such time is another matter, but no harm in making the odd suggestion.