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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my friend without her very young children?

479 replies

Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:08

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

OP posts:
Blondebombsite83 · 05/01/2020 20:12

YANBU. I won’t visit friends with children if I get a child free day and I regularly see my friends without the children. I would never expect my husband to be taking DS who’s 3 to see his mates either. We are still people! We do things with our children as well but these are child friendly pre arranged things.

Mary46 · 05/01/2020 20:14

Suggest a film or early drink nothing too late what night would suit you. I would ask her that way god mine are teens now you need some outlets from kids!!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/01/2020 20:19

I have not RTFT yet but I am totally sympathetic to the OP, in my case though, its not the DC, it's that my best friend is unable to see me without the constant presence of her needy and resentful DH

And it's a battle I've long lost because she can't assert herself with him as he will make her life a misery with strops and sulks

My sympathy Thanks

73Sunglasslover · 05/01/2020 20:22

*Oh my god 73 grin

Look, she doesn’t go out in the evenings much at all. When she does, it tends to be with the mummy friends, and I’m talking maybe 3 times a year. That’s life when you’ve got young kids, I’m in the same boat.*

Oh my god festive - so you are assuming and have not asked her? What you are saying is that she DOES go our in the evening. Perhaps she'd stretch that to 4 or 5 times a year and then you can spend some child-free time together. And as many people have pointed out here, that is NOT life with young kids if you don't want it to be. I have kids. When they were young I went out. And yes I worked. And yes I got up as early as you. And indeed I got home much later (6:30). I can't understand why it is so difficult for you to accept that you actually don't KNOW whether she will go out in the evening unless you actually ask her and why you keep insisting that your not going out in the evening is inevitable rather than a choice.

RidingMyBike · 05/01/2020 20:22

Why not just suggest a childfree meet up and see what she suggests?

I can sympathise with her though - I’ve had several friends what to do childfree meet ups and I haven’t done most of them. They all assume that my DH will look after DD. What hasn’t occurred to them is that we’ve balanced out our lives so we both get some childfree and work/chore-free time. That equates to two hours a week each, so neither of us gets to go off seeing friends all the time. Most of the friends who’ve suggested it want to meet up in London (3 hour round trip before we even do anything together and at a cost too).

I have used some annual leave to see a couple of friends once or twice a year, but have explained that that’s my limit at the moment

di2004 · 05/01/2020 20:23

Sorry love but her kids come first. If you don’t like it, then you should maybe find a new friend. Simples!

Ceebs85 · 05/01/2020 20:25

I've got a 2yr old and a 1yr old. I never complete a full conversation and always have one eye on them no matter where we are. YANBU to want to see your friend without them.

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 05/01/2020 20:26

hear seriously I’m not expecting a regular thing.

di yeah we’ve established that about 8 pages ago

I’m staying to get a bit upset now, and it feels like you’re just harassing me 73, I’m probably being stupid but it does.

OP posts:
Teddybear27 · 05/01/2020 20:29

Ok, so I DO understand what you mean. I don't have children but I have a very good friend of mine who does. She has two gorgeous children, who are 3 and 5 so it's very rare now that I get to see her on her own and I understand that 9 times out of 10, when I see her, she will have at least one of the children with her, that is just the way things are.
Maybe, as somebody else has mentioned, you could say do you fancy a childfree coffee or ask her if she would like to go out for a drink one evening? I would never ask my friend that as I like seeing her children and there is the occasional time when I see her on her own but you have to accept that her children are now the most important thing in her life. There may be time in the future when she wants an adult evening without the children but for now you come further down the list. That is just how it is now her priorities have changed.

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 05/01/2020 20:30

OK enough now please

OP posts:
Shesalittlemadam · 05/01/2020 21:11

@73Sunglasslover Please just back off and leave OP alone. You're pecking at her now. You're coming across as a bully

73Sunglasslover · 05/01/2020 21:28

@Shesalittlemadam

I don't think I've said anything bullying at all. I have just brought attention to the fact that the OP is assuming that her friend doesn't want to go out in the evening and is suggesting that it's a universal that people with young kids don't go out in the evening. I've been at pains to say that making a choice not to go out in the evening is a perfectly acceptable choice, but it is just that. In what way it that bullying?

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 05/01/2020 21:30

It’s not bullying 73 but it is upsetting having to repeatedly say that she doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 05/01/2020 21:32

I am not trying to upset you Festive. I think you are already upset because maybe it feels like this friendship (which is important to you) is drifting. I expect you feel a great sense of loss. I am honestly not trying to add burden to you. I was just trying to open up paths which assumptions might have closed down. Thank you for saying it's not bullying. That was a horrible thing to hear. I hope this works out for you.

smilingontheinside · 05/01/2020 22:14

Some women never grow out of taking the kids with them. I have 2 friends I rarely see now as they always have a child in tow. One is in their 20's the other in their 40's and that's the kids Confused

Sarahandco · 05/01/2020 22:25

Sorry I skipped a few pages of the thread, but can you engineer an event or outing that is not suitable for kids that your friend would really enjoy and that perhaps doesn't interfere with bedtime for kids for example and at a time that you know husband is available to be with the kids.

An afternoon show, concert, cinema.... maybe a break in routine will be enough to show your friend she can enjoy going out without the kids.

Blackbear19 · 05/01/2020 23:30

OP I can totally get wanting to meet for child free time. I'd either suggest a Friday evening, coffee, late night shopping or you go down the road of doing child friendly things and take your own kids too, can't beat them join them! Hopefully the kids will entertain one another.

It does sound a long friendship and I'd be loathed to throw it away, good friends are hard to come by.

If she does the occasional Saturday night out with mum friends. That is a potential that she wants a proper night out rather than a snatched couple of hours.

ilikemethewayiam · 05/01/2020 23:45

I totally get you OP! I had a friend like this. She had a 3 year old girl and 7 year old boy. I used to either put my own 3 year old to bed or my DH would ensure he kept him occupied while my friend was there so we could talk. If I went round to hers she would put the 7 year old to bed but keep the 3 year old up. She was usually the one who suggested we have a girly night with a bottle of wine then proceeded to coo over her 3 year old all night who would not leave her side. Meanwhile my hubby had arranged to come home early to stay with OUR 3 year old so I could have some child free time! She would constantly say ‘tell auntie Sarah what you did at nursery today poppet’ or ‘show auntie Sarah you new princess dress’, or two words in to my sentence turn her attention to her daughter, All while her husband sat upstairs playing on the computer. ugh! It drove me insane! I found it so disrespectful that I faded out the friendship. It was a shame because I really liked her. I tried to tell her in as polite a way as possible that I wasn’t interested in entertaining her child. I had my own child at home to do that with if that’s what I wanted. I’d come round for some grown up female conversation. It’s a difficult one OP. I couldn’t find a way through it with my friend so don’t have any workable suggestions for you. I hope you can work it out.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/01/2020 23:52

I haven't RTFT but both DH and I enjoy child-free meetups with our friends. Admittedly, they were less regular when the children were younger, but now they're 14 and 11, we both go out with friends in the evening. I think it's healthy to have adult conversations and just be yourself, not a parent, for a while. Plus children have their own social lives as they get older, DD (14) goes to more parties than I do! Grin

Just ask her whether she'd like to go out for a child-free evening and see what she says. She might not be ready to do that yet...but she will be at some point.

DreamTheMoors · 06/01/2020 04:53

@Festivefrolicsnextyear

Perhaps you could suggest a child-free “date” every other month by telling her how you need some adult time - away from YOUR DC & DH. That might ease your friend into thinking it’s just as much her idea as it is yours.

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 06/01/2020 06:17

Really!

"Wow, you don't sound like a very nice friend."

She sounds like a lovely considerate friend.

That's unnecessarily harsh. In 4 years OP has seen her friend two times without her children and you say this.

DreamTheMoors · 06/01/2020 06:20

I’m so sorry @Festivefrolicsnextyear - after reading this thread I’ve seen a bucketful of nasty comments.
Bet you regret opening up now. Well don’t - you have friends here too, those of us who want to support you instead of criticizing.
I hope you can work out child-free time with your friend without any drama - she deserves adult time too. xo

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/01/2020 06:48

Taking two hours on a Saturday to see a friend for coffee every couple of weeks doesn’t make me a neglectful parent, any more than their dad having a beer with his mates makes him one.

hear seriously I’m not expecting a regular thing.

Earlier in the thread you wrote about seeing her every couple of weeks, that seems regular to me, op

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/01/2020 07:04

she deserves adult time too. xo

But why, if she doesn't want it? There could be any number of reasons why the friend takes her children with her but the upshot is that op will never know because she won't broach the subject with her friend.

Op won't arrange an evening out, won't speak to her friend about not bringing the children during a daytime meet up and won't organise a weekend evening because she assumes her friend won't go. Tbh, it really sounds like op only wants to meet on a weekend, during the day and for coffee. She refuses to consider any other time or activity but then also expects her friend to fall into line and not bring her children.

Maybe the friend would like to do something other than meet for coffee? Perhaps that's the issue? She doesn't see meeting for coffee and looking round the shops as a child free activity.

You said earlier in the thread op that you couldn't afford the cinema or meals out on a regular basis but then later on said that you don't expect to meet up with her on a regular basis so could you not afford to go for a meal or to the cinema say once every 2 or 3 months and then meet up with her for coffee (possibly with the children) in between? At least that would start to introduce a child free meet up every so often.

If you aren't willing to try to change anything here then nothing will change. You don't want to engineer a meet up so that it has to be child free and you won't talk to her, even gently, about meeting her without the children so do you expect her to psychically realise how you feel?

beingmum39 · 06/01/2020 08:31

My friend would always bring her child with her when we met up , even though the husband was at home. Because her child would play up until she got her own way most of the day would be spent pleasing her and very little time would be spent having a conversation.

Her child is now 11, and I have met up with her twice without her daughter in tow.... It's like meeting my friend for the first time all over again and we have known each other for 26 years so it's nice to finally get some of that much needed catch up time back Flowers