To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

That’s so true FFS, thinking about it when we met the other day she only really spoke to her kids.

YANBU but you may have to accept that some people go off radar for a few years when their children are young. Different people for different reasons do parenting in different ways. And friendship.
I have a friend who I didn't see properly for 6 years or so until she was happy to leave her children with other people. It was annoying as hell. It's lovely getting her back and being able to socialise like we used to.

My 'd'h was pretty useless when my were little and it was therefore easier to just take them than field the phone calls about what to feed them etc, then come home and deal with the mess and sulks that I'd left him to parent his own children.

Why is the bar set so low for some partners? Ignore the calls. SEN outstanding he should be able to parent his own children.

It is not only mothers who can go shopping. We shop together, or dh pops out, or we shop online... the kids enjoy a trip to the shops. It does them no harm. But why assume that if a mother wants to spend time with kids, she is 'dragging them around the shops'?

Sorry wrong thread. Have reported.

A couple of glasses of wine in a local pub one Saturday night is not a wild night out though. Just ask and see what she says?

I think it becomes a habit that you take them everywhere. Ask her if she would like to meet up without the kids, so that you can watch an adult rated movie or grab some cocktails.

My advice would be say something along these lines:
“Look - you’re cool, but I’m not down with your minime entourage stinking up the place. Next time either ditch the kids for a few hours, or we’re done.”

About not being inflexible.
It has to be daytime weekends, is that right? Or weekday evenings?
Only weekday evenings are very tiring for those with little children. And weekend days, as you said 'are for families'.

You have to accept things as they are or ask her to do something child free there are plenty of polite suggestions. If she says no then you decide if continuing as you are will do or drift apart.(or start going to soft playa so kids leave you alone a bit)

"Shall we go for coffee/wine? Would it be ok to leave the kids with their dads? I could do with some child free time, understand if that doesnt suit you"

You are overthinking this. Just text ‘ I really fancy a grown up outing /girls night/ladies lunch and a catch up . How about you? Could you make it on XX date? Let me know xx’. There’s nothing there to take offence at and she can decline if she doesn’t like the idea.

poetry I honestly don’t understand your post. Weekend days for families is what other people have been saying on here. I obviously can’t meet her when I’m at work or when she is, meeting during the week would be exhausting and inconvenient for us both.

Assuming that actually a Saturday or Sunday coffee is the most sensible meeting place and time for us both and honestly, it is, as we don’t live miles and miles away but aren’t just round the corner either, is it really unreasonable for the kids to stay with their dad? I don’t think it is but apparently I’m the inflexible one because I work!

Are you sure that leaving them is an option? How well do you know her partner? My ex was very controlling, but it wasn't obvious in the the earlier stages. I would suggest he looked after them, and he would say "aww but look, he would miss you" or "Oh, I was really hoping I could do xyz while the kids were out of the house. You don't mind do you?". Only this was every time, until I eventually stopped asking him.

Maybe she chooses not to leave her children for the sake of socializing? I am also guilty of this. It’s useful to know how it looks from the outside. I confess that when my oldest friend makes repeated suggestions of a “girls’ weekend”, I feel annoyed at her selfishness. Maybe I’m the unreasonable one, though.

No, I know him Bangin, I’m positive she’s not an abused woman, honestly. I do know that you never know and all that but I’m as sure as I can possibly be. Glad you got out though.

Evidently mammaries!

Assuming that actually a Saturday or Sunday coffee is the most sensible meeting place and time for us both

I think the problem is that you’re assuming.

I don’t see why an evening would necessarily be exhausting - you don’t have to drink yourselves to oblivion and stay out until 3am.

Just have a couple of drinks and a chat! Are both fathers in the picture? Get them to do bedtime and go out for a meal.

I would just ask outright, can I see you without the kids so we can chat properly? Surely she will understand?

I'm confused as to why she would be offended. Young kids interrupt constantly, it's just a fact. It's not an insult to her children personally!

I suspect her dh isn't as 'supportive' as you suggest in your OP.

I don't see weekends as Sacred to Family Time all the time. My two older children are now at the stage that they are sometimes busy doing their own thing or have school- or extracurricular-related stuff on at weekends, but even when they were younger, I wouldn't avoid any and all events with friends because weekend and therefore Family Time. I obviously wasn't out with friends every weekend or even every month, but now and again, whyever not?

OP, if it was ‘evident’ you wouldn’t need to be on AIBU. From my point of view you are BU. The friendship has moved on and there are adjustments to be made. She’s not obliged to go out without her children when all is said and done.

Jacques I know but that’s still a big ask - I get in at 5, or around then, I have work to do for the next day, I have to drive to the pub, then drive back, then up at 6. Maybe once in a while but I honestly don’t think she’d go for it and on this one I can see why.

Catte I’d bet my job on the marriage being fine, I honestly would.

I feel annoyed at her selfishness. Maybe I’m the unreasonable one, though.

You must know this. Imagine valuing you as a person, a friend and not just a Mother.

They may also consider you need a break. Most people do.

I meant your post was evident mammaries - I am fascinated by this idea that leaving your kids for a couple of hours in the day makes you a bad parent when I know no one would say the equivalent to a dad!

Maybe once in a while but I honestly don’t think she’d go for it and on this one I can see why

But you’re turning down for her without asking her. That’s my point.

Why not ask? It would at least be the starting point for the conversation.

OP, there is quite a wide spectrum between being an obviously 'abused woman' and having a partner or husband who, in a more or less nice and subtle way, makes it too difficult for her to do anything without the dc because he cba to parent. I'm just imagining the scenario when you were off out to lunch and she was bundling the children out. My dh would have said 'what, you're not leaving them with me?' He'd have just assumed that he was having them. What did your friend's dh say/do in the situation?

I have 2 children the same age. Only me and DH around and vv occasionally we pay a babysitter (from nursery). Both me and DH have demanding job and commute.

I have pushed myself to go out more with friends in the last year but tbh I'm bloody exhausted, socialising feels like another chore on the list. I enjoy myself whilst out but the next day am even more tired and havent got stuff ready for the next day eg dinner in slow cooker. Youngest still wakes in the night and early mornings ( 4 30am at times). DH finds looking after the kids stressful, eldest has started refusing to go to sleep without me there so stays awake until I'm ( which has been 11.30pm) she is then horribly tired and grumpy the next day. I'm still breastfeeding 2yo struggling to wean, but I would only tell certain people I'm still feeding due to judgement. Kids are hideous clingy for weeks afterwards if i am away overnight. So the issue isn't with friends but my set up at home. I still go out but there is a price to pay.

I know your friend may have different circumstances but im sure my friends think I'm still a martyr to my children.