To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

I feel for you OP.

You sound As if you are in mourning your friendship which has changed since your friend became a parent.

I’ve thought a lot about what your friend could be thinking and the best I can come up with is she is a Mum and while she’s a Mum to young children she feels that’s all she can or wants to be. It may not be permanent. She may feel like she’s got energy and brain space and emotional room for close friendship (and meet ups ) at a later date but now she s either consciously or subconsciously decided that her identity is that of Mum and nothing else.
I’m not judging her, I’m not saying she’s wrong, she’s doing what’s right for her. It’s very hard to be on the other side of that though.

I’d make a gentle suggestion of kid free day time meet up and if she says she can’t, go anyway with her kids and then maybe back away in a warm way. No anger or statements needed.
Things come and go. Normal pal service may well be resumed in the future .

Also May her DH is a secret dickhead

I did put you are being unreasonable, just for the fact that she might not be able to leave the kids behind whilst she goes out for lunch. I was in the same situation when my daughter was young, plenty of family around, but was unwilling to help every now and again.

YANBU
If your friendship is strong, she shouldn't be offended by you suggesting to do something child free. literally just say ‘shall we do something child free?’ The worst that can happen is she will say she doesn't want to leave them, In which case you need to accept the friendship as it is. If she takes offence, just explain this is your child free time and you want to make the most of it.
I do get where your coming from though, one of my friends is a single mum with little support and I only see her with her DD, Its not an issue, but does change the friendship slightly.