To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

No, love, I don’t! You obviously have a more sparkling social life than me, seriously. The last time I went ‘out’ was 2016. I’m old and fat and skint.

Sounds like your choice is either to do family meet ups during the day, or adult meet ups during the evening.

Maybe just embrace it and meet up with your families or go to each other's houses for lunch?
And then have evenings out for drinks/gigs/dinner/cinema for adults only?
That's how adult friendships usually work once everyone has families in my experience.

Lisa that would be fair enough if she was asking me out in the evening and I was saying no, but that’s not the case at all.

She's just a different sort of mum to you & wants to be with her children. Perfectly normal. The children will grow up & she'll be without them soon enough. Try to be accepting and kind.

Crystal87 I work full time (teacher) my husband does too. My mum and dad live 2 hours away and mil is infirm. I meet my friends in Starbucks for a coffee when mine are in bed. I went for afternoon tea with them last week child free and other friends I go away for a night with to a hotel.. I do understand it's more difficult for you with a child with additional needs but for me my friendship s are really important. They let me be swit and not just mammy.

I didn’t leave my babies until they were a year old for more than an hour or 2 as they were breastfed.

Now they are older I only leave them with dh when he isn’t working. And he does shift work so this changes from week to week and includes evenings and weekends so although we can plan a week in advance usually, the plans can change. We don’t have family nearby and can’t afford babysitters.

But it does not sound unreasonable for you to ask your friend to go somewhere child free with you, considering the age of the dc and the availability of the dh/other relatives who are happy to mind them.

So you work full time but want to see friends without kids. When do you see your own kids?
When I am not at work I am wirh my kids. Mostly because I want to be. Also because my husband finds them a handful on his own. If I do anything alone, it's exercise.
With the demands of work and family and daily life, I could do without demanding friends. I would hope that most of my friends don't mind my kids. It's just my life now.

That was quite nasty happymum - I actually think my kids were happier being left playing with their toys at home with their dad than being taken on a boring shopping trip.

Poetry you know, evenings, weekends, holidays.

Taking two hours on a Saturday to see a friend for coffee every couple of weeks doesn’t make me a neglectful parent, any more than their dad having a beer with his mates makes him one.

OP, but for most people (especially if they work during the week) weekend day times are time they spend with their children. My husband goes out for a beer in the evenings too, not in the middle of Saturday afternoon.

Unfortunately I’ve been there on the receiving side of a friendship that never had any adult only time.
I don’t have that friendship now.
It’s NOT about demanding to be a high priority on someone’s list, or putting you over their partner or children. It’s about the fact that a woman is more than a mother.
Having a conversation without a child interrupting, being able to sit and have a coffee and a proper deep convo like you would have pre children days.
That’s not unreasonable to think within 5 YEARS two friends of 3 decades can have an hour or so dedicated child free time.

I found my friend didn’t really listen, i tried time and time and time again to have a quick coffee, a lunch whilst kids at school, a Saturday night out etc. She simply wasn’t interested in socialising outside of “family” types of events. So I drew back and did my own thing.

As one PP said earlier, perhaps you’re just not a priority for her kid free time? Perhaps her husband doesn’t like to be left with them?

The only thing I can think is to invite her to an evening glass of wine or cinema or show etc and see what the response is?

It’s a shame but I suppose everyone is different. Maybe time to put her on the back burn as an adult friend.

If you don’t want to offend her by mentioning the children, just suggest a night out.
Then, if she prevaricates, you’ll know a bit more about whether or not she’s fussed about seeing you alone.

No, I don't you are neglectful. But I do understand why your friend might not want to leave her children. Especially if you are quite inflexible about when you will meet.

You are both being completely inflexible...that is the issue.

When my two were young I was always fascinated by the mums who lived lives where they were an appendage to dc. What did they do before children?
I’m looking back now and almost all those mothers are divorced.

I don’t see that wanting to see her friend without kids makes OP a bad friend. Who wants to see other people’s kids when you’re having a break from your own.

I know MrsBricks but it does mean then that if you absolutely won’t leave them with their dad, then friendships will disappear.

I don’t think I’m inflexible i think the problem is people think friend who won’t be parted from the children will somehow be up for wild parties during the week when the kids are in bed - she does work too (although part time) and I know there’s no way she would. Weekends are family time. So what do you do? Not much, I suppose.

I've moved on from a friend because of this. I was very happy to be flexible about going to theirs etc. But in five years not one single child free catch up.

The last catch up was when they came to my house and she sat and talked to her child for the entire afternoon while I and her partner (who very easily could have looked after the child) - who have nothing in common - sat and awkwardly tried to make conversation.

I think it really is just that the child is her total priority. My view is that she is too enmeshed with the child - she gets jealous of him interacting with her MIL etc - and long term I don't think its great for him or her. I haven't taken it personally - but I do think it is rude behaviour. But It is what it is. I've moved on. And I really don't miss going to their house and watching her talk to her child while her partner potters around the house doing his hobbies....

I don’t get why it’s rude to say ‘how about we have a child free lunch?’. And if childfree is important to you, perhaps try an evening and .... compromise? Your friend doesn’t need to know how much you don’t want to see her children!

Christ YANBU at all! Who takes all the kids with them, including a 2 year old, when their DH is at home? Madness!

I think I would say to her next time you see her - not by text - it’s been so nice today and I love seeing the kids, but I was thinking that it would be really nice to have some time just the two of us sometime. I was looking at some photos/thinking about that time we did X and realised that I don’t get out without the kids very much and it might be nice to do that. What do you think?

If she wants them there then it's probably never going to change. Some people don't see female friends as a priority and if I've learned something at this age, that won't change.

My other friend says she needs adult time for her mental health, and because she is still her own person, not so and so's mummy.

I would probably concentrate more on other pals to be honest, but offer some child free options when it suits you. Don't cut her out as the kids will eventually grow up :)

Can’t believe how many ppl think their kids would rather go out with mummy shopping or to a coffee shop than spend time with their other parent or family at home, comfy, warm and playing.

I absolutely hate seeing young kids being dragged around town or having to sit quiet and bored whilst mummy friends have a catch up in Costa.
(I appreciate some parents have no other option! I’m referring only to the PPs above who seem to
Think anytime you’re not sleeping or shitting you should be attached to your child)

There are 52 weekends in the year, I’m sure she can spare 2 hours of one of them!

I’m not scatter but see it from my point of view, I get in at 5ish, I sort out my own kids tea, bath and bed, I then go out again to a pub to meet friend and then have to be up at 6 the next day? Her too for two days? We can’t do that and neither of us want to.

Possibly on a Saturday night, but she wants to stay in with her DH or go out with mummy friends.

So during the day on a Saturday Sunday or holiday would work - if it wasn’t for the kids!