To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

Can you give an example?

Do they say, “how are you doing today, mum?”

Next time they do it, why not say, “oh, you can call me Sheila!” with a big smile.

I used to hate it too. It was actually quite a jolt when i was first pregnant and trying to get my head round the whole idea of being anyone's mum. It did feel a bit depersonalising at a very emotionally strange time.

So it’s a bit irritating if you don’t like it, but you must know they understand you’re not their mum. It’s simply become a thing for parents to be called Mum and Dad by some health professionals in a maternity context. If it’s annoying then why not say “Please call me littlejalapeno”, or whatever. I wouldn’t waste energy stressing over it, if it were me.

I think they are just doing it because they’ve got so many names to remember just with the babies.

The ladies who run the baby classes we go to do it as well and I doubt they are trying to “pull rank”

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all... I think it's dehumanising. Like, you're a person as well, becoming a mother isn't 100% of your identity. Taken to its extreme it's kind of Handmaid's Tale-ish!

I can see why it’s annoying, my HV calls my DD “little lady” which I find a bit annoying as I gather she does this as she sees so many children it saves her remembering all their names. But I understand she has a high case load and in the grand scheme it isn’t important.

There are times when practitioners are together in a meeting when it’s more accurate to say “Mum” when talking about the actual mum, because there could be more than one “Mrs X”. In statutory meetings it’s essential the minutes reflect who is being referred to.

But it makes me cringe when practitioners address someone to their face as “Mum”. It’s unnecessary and patronising.

It's true they have many names to remember... but they also have notes etc that they check just before/at the beginning of your appt.

A bit annoying maybe, but easily rectified.

I dont understand how you would see it as pulling rank. Do you have a problem with people you deem to be in a position of authority?

Just ask to be called by your name it's not like you spend much time with these people in the grand scheme of things.

Just ask them, nicely to call you by your name.

It's not an unreasonable request. Ask them to put it on your notes as you feel uncomfortable being called mum.

They'll probably roll their eyes but it should stop most of it.

Lots of first time mums love it, others don't, it's not about pulling rank though, it's just easier and allows their brains to be occupied with other things than remembering your name.

I don’t mind it if in the second person to someone else (eg baby’s mum said they are eating well) but using it when it should be a first person question makes me rage!!!! (Eg “how is mum today?” When it should be “how are you?”)

I remember this happening t me 23 years ago.
I had taken Ds1 to the doctor about something and once he fished examining ds he said ' and how's mum?' It confused me because I wondered what on earth he was going on about and thought he was asking how my mum was!🤣

If you don't like it just say so but in the scheme of things it wasn't one that bothered me once I got used to it!

Babies don't say "mum" for so long that at first I liked the novelty of it. It does wear thin.

Meh, it just makes their life easier when they're seeing a ton of different women every day. We did months in hospital with DS and we were Mom and Dad. HV, maternity nurses, community nurses etc all call! Mom not cos they're above me and pulling rank but because they bigger priorities than my name

I remember one doctor in Child Development Centre use to refer to me as mother - dd was in her early teens at that time - the doctor said it in a patronizing way & talked to dd referring to me that way to - not as your mother just mother - she was patronizing anyway but it use to make me cringe

YANBU. I do think a health visitor coming to your house can make the effort to look at your notes and find out your name.

I really hate it when other people like education and social services officers do this, because it's so clearly designed to put parents in their place. If, say, you're having a meeting about a child where the parents are present and you address everyone else by their names, it's incredibly patronising to call them mum and dad. Mind you, saying "So far as I know I'm not your mother, please use my name" is quite a good way to wrong-foot them in a difficult meeting.

Maybe get a badge from here and wear it?

I imagine HV see lots of parents some won't like to be called by their first name some are not Mrs it is probably a minefield and easier to say "mum". Just correct your HV by say you can call me "jane"

Btw your identity to your health visitor is mum they are not interested in much else.

I couldn’t get riled up over this. It’s easier to use “mum” than to have to remember numerous names. If it annoys you this much tell her but you will look like a dick.

Schools do it too.

No matter how many times I ask them not to, they still do it.

Yes I do realise that they I know I’m not their mum, thank you Carolina 😂

And I understand and agree with what the rest of you have said, that it is dehumanising but they are busy so no use getting worked up. I guess I can say politely please call me littlejalapeno.

I’ve basically not had any contact with them for baby since the 10 week check and DS is now 13 months and we’ve not had any contact about the one year check. ( I called at 9 months to book and they said they would be in touch) so I called before Christmas and was told to call back in jan. I called yesterday and asked when we would hear and was fobbed off again saying I’d get the letter in due course. It rankles when they call me ‘mum’ and feels dismissive. The HV called me ‘mum’ three times yesterday, which is why I said it felt like she was pulling rank. I just want my kid to have the necessaries he’s supposed to and feel like I’m being fobbed off 😔

I suggest you learn 6 new names everyday and see if you can still remember them by lunchtime and then stop complaining.

Yes you are going to get it at schools Drs dentists etc etc for the rest of your babies childhood

I hate it. Medical professionals, schools, NGOs - it's objectifying and impersonal. I'm not 'mum' - I'm a human being in my own right. Not just a role in relation to another person. It is lazy & rude.