To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

As a professional that works with mum's and dad's, it is impossible to remember everyone's names and using descriptives is an easy way of identifying who you're talking to

There is a difference between using "Mum/Dad" to establish who you are talking to, versus using it to address that person, though.

"Are you (the) mum/dad?" is, I think, OK, because the alternative ("Who are you?") is ruder. But then calling that person "Mum" or "Dad", as in, "You can come through to Recovery now, Mum", is rude and patronising.

Parenting does involve a loss of personal identity, being labeled "mum" rather than your name highlights this.
Even if professionals call you your name to your face if you are talking to someone who is there for your dc then your role as mum is the most important thing about you.
It would be far more concerning if they knew your name and not that of your dc.
You aren't there as a person in your own right but as part of the dc's life.
While it is polite if professionals not to draw attention to this and probably sensible as some people get pretty upset with this reality it doesn't impact the support your dc gets.

As a professional that works with mum's and dad's, it is impossible to remember everyone's names and using descriptives is an easy way of identifying who you're talking to.

What do professionals do when working with patients who aren’t children?

Eh you are a mum, seriously get a grip. You think they are pulling rank by doing this? You need to have a word with yourself, you sound very high maintenance. Get used to it, it's not patronising or obnoxious it's just a term of description.

Dear me. The comments on this thread are ridiculous bordering on idiotic.

It's not patronising, dehumanizing or handmaids taleish.

They're healthcare professionals who see 10 mums a day and cannot remember everyone. If you don't like it fine, just ask them to call you by your name.

It's certainly not pulling rank or any of the other silly things mentioned. Get a grip all of you.

They're healthcare professionals who see 10 mums a day and cannot remember everyone. If you don't like it fine, just ask them to call you by your name.

I have not seen a single person on this thread saying they expect a teacher or HCP to remember their name. Why do people keep pretending otherwise as a defence for a pretty rude practice not seen elsewhere?

My daughter's nursery staff did this all the time and some of the TAs at her school. I don't love it but I presume it's just easier for them than having to remember all the names. Equally I feel that some of the TAs do it to be respectful (albeit not remotely necessary) because they don't want to call you Mrs whatever, which is a bit formal, but they feel you might take offence to being addressed by your first name.
Anyone I come across relating to my daughter seems to refer to me as Mum.

used to happen at my little one nursery,i had to turn around and tell the receptionist,actually my name is still. I find it sooo annoying.

My youngest is 35. It used to annoy me when my children were young but it also happened when she was pregnant with her 3rd child about 18 months ago and I went with her when she had to have some treatment that involved a few hours in hospital; I was asked 'are you mum?'

No I'm not 'mum'. The nurse asking me had my DD's notes in her hand, she could just as easily have said are you 'Joan's mum' - not my DD's name - as apart from anything else she seemed to able to address my daughter by her name when actually talking to her.

I've also had this with my grandchildren when I've been with my DD if one of the children has been in hospital. 'Are you nana?' No, I'm your patient's grandmother, I'm not 'nana' and you know the child's name because you've used it several times. Just ask me if I'm John's grandmother.

Trust me OP, this doesn't go away.

My son's nursery key worker calls me Mummy. He's a 20 something lad. At a push I would be old enough to be his mummy. It makes me cringe. But I've never had the heart to ask him not to do it as I'm always in a rush to get home or drop my DS off.

I have not seen a single person on this thread saying they expect a teacher or HCP to remember their name. Why do people keep pretending otherwise as a defence for a pretty rude practice not seen elsewhere?

This^

When my DC had to attend private consultants for different things, sometimes only two or three visits were required, the consultants and their receptionists have rarely called me ‘mum’ yet they have a constant stream of people visiting them also. It seems to be a thing mainly by public sector healthcare professionals.

When I worked with members of the public, I didn’t refer to them directly as ‘Client’ or ‘Customer’.

see the ‘mum’ profile (created by either my kids or my husband-too aghast to find out which) another little piece of me dies.😬

I do find it very strange thus feeling some get, I must be very odd to think that I'm still the person I was and always be despite something like this. May be I'm missing the whole point of this thread! I just feel it's being very over thought.....

I don't mind. They have enough to do without having to remember multiple sets of parents names too. If I went to the drs about me though, I'd expect to be called Bipbip.

I recently took my nan to A&E and I referred to the HCPs as doctor or nurse rather than doctor X and nurse y or X & Y. I was referred to as granddaughter because it wasn't me who was a patient. It was fine.

None of my kids have had any significant health problems thankfully, but I think I would be less bothered by this in the context of their healthcare, which is after all not about me. But maternity and postnatal care is at least half about the mother, so I do think that using their name is important.

The only issue I've had with teachers is that the current HT calls me by my first name but tries to insist that I use her surname. Not happening.

How to you refer to the midwife etc: just as nurse, midwife not using their name? If you do use actual names oerhaps you could swop to their occupation and embarrass them into using your name. Overall though wouldn't bother me; it's just a snapshot of time in your life!

I absolutely hated the mum thing.

There's no need to learn a ton of names. Ask "how are you "?
When I was in hospital my name was written in 3 inch high letters above the bed I was sitting on, so it's not like they didn't know/couldn't see my name.
Health visitors have all the information to hand. If they can read your address, they can see your name.
After 4 kids, I was monumentally sick of it and pulled people up on it every time. I still do on the rare occasions it happens.

The only people allowed to refer to me as mum, are my children.

I'd be asking them to leave. That's outrageous.

@tygarugby I can be both “piglet” and “tiny piglet’s mother”. They’re not mutually exclusive and I don’t want to lose my individual identity simply because I have a child.

Nemo you really do sound lovely and switched on but there has been time enough. I'm nearly 60 now and young chaps in their late 40s may not use my first name if they introduce themselves as Dr or Mr Consultant. I am neither their professional nor social subordinate and to splutter and turn pink after I have shaken their hand and said "I am so pleased to meet you, I am Mrs Roses" "oh, er you can call me Paul is too late". The training institutions and hospital induction programmes need to start instilling some guidance about baic courtesy - particularly if their mothers didn't - these are people who form the cleverest few percent of society. Equality and courtesy are absolute basics of our society.

I had lost my first baby and was half way through a high risk second pregnancy when my midwife kept referring to me as "mum". I asked her not to. She pulled a face. I then felt I couldn't explain that we hadn't even found out the sex of the baby as I was too scared to get too attached in case we lost that one too.... And to call me "mum" (which i completely agree is twee and bizarre) was actually quite the mind fuck when I had no idea if I ever would be anyone's mother....

Of course, I didn't expect her to remember any of that (even though is was in my notes), but the idea that you're so grateful to be having a baby, that being called "mum" by a random adult is a good thing, is certainly not everyone's experience. I'd rather not be called anything. It's just very weird.

I remember being at my first midwife appointment (about 6 weeks pregnant?) and the midwife referring to me as mum to her student. I thought this was weird, I was no-one's mum as I'd not given birth, and it freaked me out a bit. The pregnancy turned out to be ectopic and I never have been or ever will be anyone's mum.

I absolutely hate it. And still getting it. Mine are adults! Just the other day on an activity thing for their Christmas present. There were just three of us. I was referred to as Mum by organiser. Not your mum, which is ok. But just Mum, as if he were my son. 😡

@ViciousChicken I am so sorry to hear your story. This is why the way people (i.e. service users) are addressed is really important.

At least two PPs have mentioned that, when pulled up on it, these HCPs “rolled their eyes” or “ pulled a face”. What is wrong with these people? Have they no conscientiousness or professional pride?

Piglet there was a SW on here that actually seemed quite proud of her eye rolling. And went on to imply that anyone who didn't like this patronising way of being addressed must be insecure. How wonderful to have people in professional roles stereotyping us like that double 🙄 back.

And vicious chicken. So sorry that this happened to you.