To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

zoo I understand what she means by pulling rank. It's like she's lower...not worth even a name. Just "Mum".

I prefer health professionals to remember the health details on my notes than my name.

Nearly if you're dealing with new Mothers who are potentially emotional/vulnerable and they don't like being called Mum then it's patently NOT fine not to use their name

It's just not.

Well I guess if tone of voice could be related by text we would have a lot less to talk about on mumsnet. You’ll have to trust me that the way she said ‘mum’ did not feel like she was giving me the highest respect. I do feel it was and has been dehumanising and dismissive. I appreciate from your comments and common sense that it’s not always intended that way.

Children’s services are criminally cut and underfunded @Temp123999. That’s not the point of this thread though. Hope you also voted for someone who would fund them better.

I guess I can say politely please call me littlejalapeno.

I laughed at imagining you actually telling them to call you "Littlejalapeno" please do this

@Astrabees and @BillHadersNewWife yes this, exactly this!

I understand what she means by pulling rank. It's like she's lower...not worth even a name. Just "Mum".

Mum is the highest rank though. Being the mum of the child doesn't make you lower than anyone.

I don't get why anyone would care. I wouldn't appreciate it if my boss was starting to call me "mum" when I am back from maternity leave, but people you meet in the context of your child?

You don' t have to take the word "mum" as a negative, why would you.

Your child will be called "darling" or "poppet" because it's easier than remembering their name, will you care?

I have worked with mums and their babies/children, it was drummed into us to use names and not labels. Now, as a foster parent it is confusing to the child to have me labelled as 'mum' because I am not their mum.

I find this a mild irritation also. I totally understand that it's tough to remember lots of names. However, do doctors/health professionals/midwives actually need to use your name in a one-to-one appointment? Like, if you are there with your baby, and the person is asking questions or giving instructions/advice, it's not likely that they are addressing the baby, is it? So why bother with "and mum, how is the weaning going?" Just say, "and how is the weaning going", surely?

As I said, I get that it is hard to learn and remember lots of new names. I'm a teacher, and I often have upwards of 100 new students a term. If I don't know their names though, I don't say "And tell me, Student, how are you finding the reading?". I just look at them and converse as normal.

My husband went through a phase of calling me mum - can't tell you how much it made me rage...it's bloody weird for a start!

I'm mum to DD and DS (and the dog!) - to everybody else I have a name.

Ah, so it's more her attitude than the actual words?

My SEN DS has quite a few appointments. In the appointments when he is there the professionals refer to DH and I as Mum and Dad BUT if DS is not present they call us by out first names (after being Mr & Mrs at first). It makes it more comfortable for the children I suppose. After all I say to DS “can you tell Dad that his coffee is here” not “can you tell Richard his coffee is here”.

At school I have to learn the names of all children on roll. I don’t find it easy. It would be even harder to remember all the parents as well. Plus deal with the minefield of Mrs, Miss or Ms. So they tend to be “Sebastien’s Mum/Dad” although I have about half a dozen mums that I have a lot of contact with who have asked me to call them by their first names.

I have sympathy with professionals who do this. They are stuck in a hard place as names can be a minefield of potential offence.

Call someone Mrs , and you are likely to be told it's Ms, Miss, (or Dr),or any combination of the above.

Use a family name and you find its a family wth multiple surnames and you have got the wrong one.

Use a first name , get told off for being familiar/not being professional.

Try to pronounce an unfamiliar name and get told off for getting it wrong.

I'm not surprised they take the route of least resistance and use mum. It's not demeaning, it's about finding fairly neutral territory where you can then move on to the important things like your child's health.

DD2 had a short spell in hospital when she was small, the lovely nurse in charge called everyone missus, and every baby was pet. (I'm in Ireland!)
DD1 is a hcp, she's 26. She gets to know kids and parents well, and by name. To be honest the brief encounters where you are mum and baby is baby are better - because things are going well.

At my old vet practice, vet would stick his head out the door and holler for either “Billy Bob Resting Face” or “Billy Bob’s mum”. Fun times when there were other animals “mums” and “dads” waiting.

I think they have hundreds of names to remember and it doesn't mean anything untoward, just that they can't remember every single name off the tops of their heads.

Having said that, I saw my retired HV in the supermarket the other day and said hello to her and she used my name to reply. My DS is 14 nearly so she won't have seen us for at least 10 years.

Some people are better at remembering names than others.

Surely they do it because they see dozens of people every day and their focus is not on who you are but on how you and your baby are doing.
I wouldn't want their concentration to be on, 'Shit what's her name again? Better not offend her by using the wrong one,' rather than my baby's weight loss or temperature spike.

They're busy and as others have said trying to ensure they navigate what each mother wants to be called (miss, Mrs, first names etc) is a minefield.
Maybe an unusual point of view but I loved it, my eldest had passed away and I'd waited years to be called a mum so it felt like a recognition to me.

I noticed they do this as well but assumed they can’t remember everyone’s names. A midwife called me this in the post natal ward and she was lovely. Couldn’t remember her name though so in my thank you card I acknowledged her as the midwife who called me mum.

I didn’t expect any HCPs to remember my name without looking at my notes.

What I found odd was seeing a doctor or nurse for an APPOINTMENT and have them continually call me “mum” throughout.

So, mum, how are you feeling? And how is baby sleeping mum? Are you using contraception mum? Where are we up to with immunisations mum?

Just weird when my name is right there on your computer screen and you knew I was your next patient.

My PIL do this - it gives me THE RAGE (sorry for shouting, but that's how ragey it makes me!).

I am obviously not worthy of having my own individual name. Agree with pp about it being handmaid-esque.

You could refer to them as 'health visitor', if they call you 'mum' as in "fine thank you, and how is heath visitor today?"

I have no objection to people not knowing my name, but I would prefer to be referred to as 'you' rather than 'mum'. This happens in no other area of life! though perhaps we could adopt it, "and how is marketing manager getting along with those forecasts", or "could waiter bring us some more bread, please?"

Ddog has a name which is fairly common (rescue dogs seem to be called Jack or Max) so that can complicate things. They also have my name wrong on file, and think I'm called Anne-Louise which is nothing like my name. It seems to be impossible to change.

Exactly. Just ask the same questions but without tagging mum on! It’s needless.