To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

It isn't just some of us who are against it. There's a whole campaign.

May I suggest some of the hcps on here have a look at it and some of the mothers who wish to be addressed with dignity like the facebook page.

www.bornattherighttime.com/dont-call-me-mum/

Also supported by the BMJ
www.bmj.com/content/367/bmj.l5373

Some very out of date views expressed on here.

If that was me @Greenwingmemories my eye rolling was always internal only as I said in my original post.
But I do think that insecurity is very often tied up with the value of names and a strong belief in hierarchies and where people fit in them.
I didn't tend to address people as mum so this pushback wasn't usually addressed to be, although my use of first names did sometimes draw people's ire.
I tried to focus on remembering that the people I worked with were in stressful situations and while many people find informality relaxing others find comfort in more rigid and measured spaces.
My aim was to keep people calm and engaged so I tried to flex to their preferred style.

Oh that's okay then dreichnolonger. As long as you were only eye-rolling internally, that's fine.

Actually I completely dispute your theory about insecurity being at the heart of people's irritation with this and it being tied to a belief in hierarchies. In fact it is the opposite. It is about treating others as equals and not playing silly power games by reducing a grown woman to just a maternal role when she is a person like you. If anything it would be the people who use the term that would seem to have a stronger belief in hierarchies. No one has satisfactorily explained why it is necessary to say, how is mum, rather than how are you. It's ridiculous and infantilising.

And incidentally I work in an allied role and wouldn't dream of being so patronising.

I agree with greenwing.

I don’t like it either, and I don’t understand the argument about saving the labour of remembering names, in 99% of cases there is no need to use a name when there is the perfectly good pronoun “you” available. If a midwife looked at me and asked “- and how are you sleeping?” I wouldn’t be waiting for my baby to reply or nonplussed as to who she was addressing. We rarely use the names of people we are talking to in normal discourse, only to get their attention. I don’t say “Hi Barry! Has Barry had a good day at work today?” When DH walks in.
It’s weird the way it seems to be a thing with mums in institutional environments.

YANBU. Totally agree that it makes you feel like you're being reduced to the incubator/maternal role holder rather than treated as a human being with any kind of individuality, independence or capability of intelligence/thought/reason.

Not all people mean it in that way, even subconsciously, of course. But plenty do.

It drives me nuts! Teachers do it to me as well. However, I do appreciate that they have to learn a heck of a lot of names and it is easier for them. I still cringe everytime though!

Plus everything Greenwing said.

"How are you?", asked sincerely, is a question with the power to make the recipient feel cared for, listened to, heard, valued.

"How is mum?" vastly reduces the element of caring about the individual.

It's a robbery of a question.

I couldn't get worked up about this. I always think it's said kindly and that's what matters.

They're healthcare professionals who see 10 mums a day and cannot remember everyone. If you don't like it fine, just ask them to call you by your name.

They don't have to remember the names, they just have to read them off the notes. How hard can that be? Do healthcare professionals who see 20 adults a day call them all "Patient", or do they manage to use their names?

I was in a meeting recently that went in for a good 45 minutes. The class teacher referred to me as mum and DH as dad so many times. I'm probably old enough to be her mum which makes it weirder still .
The Head was referring to the class teacher by her first name, "Jenny is an amazing teacher" and I actually had no idea who she was talking about on the first occasion.

It's really bloody rude, I'm tempted next time to say we don't like mum and dad, it's mummy and daddy. Which isn't true but somehow I doubt they'd accommodate it!

They don't have to remember the names, they just have to read them off the notes. How hard can that be?

I am not defending use of 'Mum' - I'm against it, but one of the reasons it happens is that the parents' names are often not on the child's notes, at least not where you can easily find them. And this is likely to get worse because of GDPR causing paranoia about recording 3rd party information in a child's records.

I also agree with @Greenwingmemories

So there’s a certain body of allied opinion on this thread and a fair few of us are annoyed by it.

HCPs on her who still insist on calling grown women “mum” - start listening.

I find this irritating too. Many h c ps refer to my mother as 'Mum' when speaking directly to me, even if she isn't even there! as in ' I am going to change Mum's medication'. Just refer to her as 'Your mother' . I know it's nit picky but it is a bit annoying, and oddly patronising actually.

All the HCP on this thread defending their use of this term - are you happy to be called mum / dad yourself ? So you think the usage should be extended to other health and social care services ?

I work with street homeless people, I meet about 20 but can be up to 30 a day. So how can I possibly remember their names ?

Some of them are parents, so perhaps I could call them mum / dad. Would that work , do you think ?

Nearly all of them have addictions, so maybe I could call them addict? After all it’s a factual term, and isnt much more important that I remember their details than their names ? Doesn’t it show that I have recognised their needs as a person who struggles with substance abuse?

Or would that be demeaning and abusive and get me fired ?

For some reason, every single practitioner I’ve ever met in my whole career has managed to call our guests / services users by their name or ‘you’. I wonder why they are so much smarter and have better memories that midwives / health visitors and paediatricians.

All the HCP on this thread defending their use of this term

Are there many HCPs defending its use on this thread? Most of the posts I can see from people who say they are HCPs have agreed that it is wrong to use it.

As a professional that works with mum's and dad's, it is impossible to remember everyone's names and using descriptives is an easy way of identifying who you're talking to

As a professional you find it too much trouble to ask people their name, read it from the notes or even use "you" rather than Mum?

What profession is this?

Its utterly unecessary and it absolutely is dehumanising and reinforcing a hierarchy and results in women not sharing information necessary to their and their child's care. No commercial organisation gets away with this, most public organisations don't either.

The insistence on using "mum" to women who have miscarried or lost a baby is an utter disgrace.

Bet you call him/her “Nurse”........

Bet you call him/her “Nurse”........

I don’t and I dint’t say hello shop assistant or goodbye bank clerk either!

It’s done to remind you that the child is the patient and not you according to my HV. She hates it and will ask after me and my health but most of her colleagues won’t.

Possibly the weakest and most illogical excuse for laziness that I’ve ever heard.

Bet you call him/her “Nurse”

No.

No, but when one has asked three times not to be called "mum" I think nurseykins and quackologist are more than justified. Although I wouldn't sink to the same levels of absolute discourtesy.