To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

It is easier than having to try and remember names especially ones they might struggle to pronounce. A cheery, "call me ...." can easily rectify the situation so really not that big a deal. I did find it weird too the first time but explained what my name was and how to say it.

And if professional people can't refer to notes & remember a name for ten minutes, they can just say 'you'. "How are you feeling?" not "how is mum feeling?"

I suggest you learn 6 new names everyday and see if you can still remember them by lunchtime and then stop complaining.

Not necessary. The HV has to take the child's notes with her (or access them online) when she visits. All she needs to do is look down at the name on those notes.

It doesn’t end there, you will be taking your child to university interviews and the people at the welcome desk will be talking to you as “mum”.

I hate it, but you cannot educate the whole world not to use it, so it is better just to not get annoyed with it.

Presumably when you open the door the HV says something like "Ms Jalapeno?" rather than "Mum?" So if she can't remember the name after that, it's not impressive.

Btw your identity to your health visitor is mum they are not interested in much else.

I work with parents and children for the benefit of children, so I am primarily interested in the child and their identity. I still think it's basic good manners to remember their parents' names when talking to them.

Meh try having a child with disabilities every fucker calls you mum ,so what does mum think etc ,well his school don't but everybody else does , it's also in reports ,mum thinks ,mum's says blah,blah.

YANBU - I used to hate it. As for remembering your name, you have the notes, use them. Actually I would prefer Mrs X.... as I am also not your friend, we are in a professional relationship, but that's a whole other thread.

My other pet hate was the use of "baby", they couldn't even be bothered to use "the". Again, you have notes, use their name if they have one, of even Baby X, but not just "baby".

Sorry, rant over.

I’m an HCP and just had my first baby - I find this really annoying and unprofessional. Having worked in Paediatrics myself, it really isn’t that hard to remember two names for the duration of an appointment.

Hated this on maternity ward. Also hated fact that the trolley that came round to sell necessities,snacks and magazines only brought tabloids, Hello and Take a break type stuff to the maternity wing - when the one to the 'normal' wards had broadsheets and non gossip magazines...I was bedbound not lobotimized

They use Mum as a name, as it refers to you the mum, not Mum the person, which would be their mum.

It never really bothered me. I just wanted any context done so I could get on tbh

I haven't met my midwife yet, but if she calls me mum I intend to hoik my bosoms and say, slightly imperiously, "Mrs Lelle, to you."

not really

As a children’s nurse who says this all the time I can assure you it is in no way being used as ‘pulling rank”! We are here to help - it’s our life’s work to look after and care for you - and it’s used as a term of affection mostly and actually giving you position as the highest authority as mum. Not the lowest position, but the highest!! But that’s how I see mums, as the highest most important role in society and in all my years of longing for children, I dreamed to be called ‘mum’ by a midwife or health visitor. I’m sorry if I’ve ever offended a patient by calling them mum in my 20 years of children’s nursing. I hope that it has always been taken as intended. Plus you can’t learn everyone’s names! I think if the health care professional is speaking to you nicely, helping you and providing good care - these are the important things!

@OP
So your baby has missed apt's and your gripping about HV addressing you as "Mum" the reason why NHS staff find it hard to remember names is because they dangerously short staffed.
Health visitors have huge caseloads and due to lack of social workers they are expected to take on lots of child protection work also.
The continual moaning from public has driven many HV's out of the profession.

I used to hate it too. There’s just something very grating and patronising about it.

Now I work in a health care job, I do see how it’s a handy shortcut when everyone is so busy. But personally I can never bring myself to call someone mum in that way. I might say this is x’s mother, or ask are you x’s mother or patent but just ‘mum’ directly to someone sounds all wrong.

I always found it patronising too.

The HV called me ‘mum’ three times yesterday, which is why I said it felt like she was pulling rank.

Pulling rank how?

I don't understand this thinking at all because their is no higher rank than mum in this situation, if you want to rank people.

What do you think she actually meant, because really she was just referring to you as the mum.

Wait until you get to the "Oh hello x's mummy" at school or you're walking down the road and some random little person screeches "IT'S X'S MUM! HIIIIIIII!" I permanently have this expression 😬 now.

THERE

If I was a health visitor, I'd be pushed to remember the babies' names, let alone their mothers.

It's a much more likely explanation than pulling rank, IMO.

As a teacher I often referred to parents as 'mum' or 'dad' then I read a discussion on a teacher's forum about this very thing. The basic premise was that by not using proper nouns, you were being disrespectful, showing that you couldn't be bothered to remember their names. I consciously changed the way I addressed parents. Now I address them as Mrs/Mr/Ms or when in meetings (as Senco there's many!) I use their first names and introduce me by my first name.
Some parents still call me miss though 🤣

I can't remember if I was called mum but I do remember being very pissed off at all the midwives/HCA etc. calling DS1 "shrimp".

I was in hospital for 4 days and yes, he was small (but not tiny) and it appeared that his nickname was "shrimp" - even when it was the first time someone came to see him, they'd ask how "shrimp" was. His name was written on his crib FGS! I'd have preferred baby!

Hang on, it is a requirement for those in Health and Social care - all services regulated by CQC that patients and service users are addressed by their name of choice. A local hospital to me had very adverse comments in their inspection report when staff called patients "dear" and "love". If they cannot remember your name then "you" instead of "mum" would not attract attention. I hate the word "mum" neither of my children have ever used it, and I never called my mother by this word. I would make it very clear to the health visitor that if she couldn't be arsed to call me Astra then Mrs Bees would be my preferred form of address.

Bloody right OP! I HATED it and did ask for them not to do it and some of them were but I stuck to it.

It's dehumanising and sounds bloody stupid too. Slightly different but when DD1 was a baby and toddler, MIL used always to talk to her rather than me "Shall we ask Mummy if it's time for tea? and so on. I pulled her up on it too.

I wanted her to address ME more. I didn't mind her chatting to DD of course but it was EVERY single BLOODY sentence out of her mouth.

"Oh is that the postman? Shall we ask Mummy if it is?

Just say "Bill...I think the postman's knocking"

FFS.

Actually, when you are cognitively overloaded, remembering many different names and how they are spelled/said differently (as so many people are then offended if you say it wrong) IS tiring. I find that with students. I don't have time to look up each person's record and name and spend time wondering about pronunciation in an office hour, I just let them come in and tell me who they are and why they are here. Otherwise I would be mispronouncing names all the time. My other strategy is not to mention their names, so I don't get them
wrong.

I think if you work in a high turnover field where you meet lots of people for only days or weeks, or infrequently, it's fine not to use their name. I don't mind being asked 'what does mum think?' as people invariably get my title and name wrong anyway (as it is not the same as my child's name) so it's a lot easier than causing offence through using the wrong name.