To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

If you can't read the notes before you sit down, and hold a person's name in your head for the 10 minutes you're there, then that really doesn't bode well for the appointment in my opinion. And asking/updating the notes with your preferred name at the same time as updating them with everything else is a matter of seconds.

No-one's asking them to remember your face and name when you bump into them at Asda!

Let's face it a lot of people are happy to be known as mum to their PFB

I always found being called mum less irritating than Mrs DH. We didn't get married until after the dc were born so it wasn't even my name. And I'm a Ms.

I'm so used now to being known as DDs mum, that I sometimes get confused when I'm referred to as DSs mum. Poor boy is 7 now too.

It's reductive. Mum alone means silent and unheard. Jane's mum or you is correct. How would the HCP feel if the parent addressed them as: doc, nursey or healthy? I imagine they would find it disrespectful.

In a medical report it is inappropriate to refer to all the other stakeholders by name: Dr Jones, Jane Smith the social worker but to refer to the parent just as mum "Jane and mum agrèed". Why not Jane and her mum? That would confer equality and mutual respect notwithstanding confirm the writer was educated well wnough to write correctly.

"You mum?" "I am Jane's mum. Could you tell me your name please?" "I am Dr Patronising" "Ah, how lovely to meet you, I am Mrs Roses" This is usually followed by a spluttered "Oh, you can call me Peter". Why can't hcps just treat people as their equals in the first place?

Seems like there are 2 issues.

1. You would prefer the HV calls you by your name - easily rectified

1. You are frustrated you have not had the one year review. I suspect the frustration of no.1 has come into no.2. It does feel condescending to be told someone cannot help you whilst they refer to you by "mum" rather than your name.

I work for the NHS so it is with a heavy heart I would suggest you complain about your delayed 1 yr check. I know they are under staffed in all areas and that will be the reason for the delay, but it sounds like you would like some reassurance about your baby's development so please do contact and ask to make a formal complaint.

I used to help out in a local baby group and called all babies poppet or pudding or darling - it was chaos there and I could barely remember my own name most days never mind anyone else's. For a 10min appointment it shouldn't be too hard to read a name, but I can understand in a hospital setting with multiple wards that its easier to go with mum/dad and baby.

Viques has it ^

I suggest you learn 6 new names everyday and see if you can still remember them by lunchtime and then stop complaining
That's not the same is it. They have it on their notes ffs and if they can't be arsed to look at them they have mouths and are capable of asking what their name/preferred name is.

I work in healthcare. I manage to remember all my patients names and their visitors. If I don't remember the visitors name I ask them. Using mum is the equivalent of using love. I'd never dream of doing something like that. Not only is it dehumanising, it's against regulations and guidelines.

God, I HATE this!

It’s not just with babies/ children, either.

My elderly mother had dementia, and so often HCPs would refer to her (to me) as ‘mum’ over her head. Even with dementia it made her bristle. More than once I had to ask them to use her name.

Not even ‘your mum’ or ‘your mother’! So bloody rude and patronising - not to mention disrespectful - though I dare say they like to think it’s cosy or friendly, or some such touchy-feely shite.

We had never called her ‘mum’ anyway - she hated it, thought it sounded fat!!

I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank.

I hated it when I was called mum although I never got the impression it was to pull rank but it did make me feel like I was meaningless to them and they might as well have just called me patient number four or similar as I was quite clearly a number or tick box and not worthy of being spoken to as a fellow human.

Ot's just easier than learning lots of names. Nothing to do with pulling rank.

Yeah I was a little guilty of this as a nursery worker. To be fair the parents only had to remember a few names of the staff, whereas I had to try and remember the names of all the kids parents. You just give up in the end.

For your HV, just say: please call me [name].
If a parent had asked me to call them by their name, I would have done.
If all of them had asked, I might have struggled!

I wish all these people would be a little more formal, and address you as 'Mrs' or 'Miss' so and so - I hate the word 'Mum' anyway - you are a mother, not a mum!

I hated it. The first time the midwife said "So, how's mum feeling today?" I just looked at her nonplussed. I thought 'I don't know. Do I know her?' It took me ages to get used to it. I'm surprised they still do it.

I hate the word 'Mum' anyway - you are a mother, not a mum!

Eh?

Aaargh hated this. Although i do think it's adorable when DS's tiny friends say 'DS's mummy...?' He does it to his friend's mums/dads too - seems to be instinctive!

Milk In hospital with DD1 they kept calling me "Mrs Hader" and I wasn't married then...I corrected them and said "It's Miss" and they said

We use Mrs on all new Mums out of respect

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I said "Well it's not my name so don't"

And that was 15 years ago. I hope they don't still do that!

@BillHadersNewWife

I love that you said something at the time! :) I'd have been annoyed, too, so good for you!

minesril but saying Henry's mum or mummy is the correct use of language. Saying "Henry and mum" or just calling you "mum" is not.

To any hcp that may have been involved with dd I was Jane's mum (or mummy) and that would have been fine. Simply referring to me as "mum" or using mum instead of you is not - it is incorrect. Funnily enough I find Drs do it far less than nurses, etc.

‘Pull rank ‘ ? If that is what you feel from that convention,, then working on your own sense of worth would be beneficial.

All those saying hcps can’t possibly remember names, what do they do for adult patients? “How is patient feeling today?” I doubt it somehow.

YABU, in their time you are mum, that's your role.
They are talking to mum, communicating with mum, it's who you are.

I think it's because it saves them having to remember your name!

Also there is that infantile tendency of parents of small to children to talk in a weird way ... "Mummy doesn't think" rather than "I don't think". Think it could be all part of this baby speak which makes we want to get the sick bucket!

I'm not sure why calling you mum would be pulling rank and I can't even understand the thinking behind why you would think that's what they were doing? It's just a friendly, informal way of addressing you. If you don't like it then just politely say please call me littlejalapeno...with a smile of course! However it may take them a little while to remember that that is your preferred name to be addressed by because they're used to calling you mum.

But it's certainly nothing to think suspiciously about that they're doing it for sinister reasons ie to pull rank.