To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

I think they all do it. Just standard practice

Not an excuse when they will have the names on the notes in front of them.

I do overtime 22 hrs a week on either neonates or with the community HV’s.
I’m pregnant myself, I’m already working another full time job, your baby reminds me of my own dead child, the last family I saw called me a fucking bitch, someone else on my caseload for their child removed last week and I feel like i didn’t help enough.

sometimes, because of all of that, I just can’t remember your name

It’s not personal, we aren’t pulling rank, we’re just knackered. And it’s HARD.

Sorry you’re upset. Just correct us and we will do our best.

Warm wishes to you and yours

If it was just the Mum thing, I would have just rolled my eyes and got on with it, but it does seem to go along with a lack of care and attention to detail, which is a much more serious issue.

This. A friend of mine who is expecting twins told me about her consultant appointment where the general approach was that she was being given a great privilege and it was only because of the possibility of complications arising from the twin pregnancy.. The consultant generally seemed to think he was God, and constantly referred to her as "Mum" despite having her name on the notes right in front of him; when she was finally allowed to ask a question and asked whether some symptom she had was cause for concern or because she was having twins, he laughed condescendingly and said "Well, Mum, if you were having twins I think we would have found out by now." She did say it was quite funny watching the students trying to keep a straight face.

I make a point of never calling the child's mum, mum. I think it shows a lack of care. I write the parents name on the front of the file. It's open in front of me so if I have brain freeze and forget their name a quick glance down saves me.

I do this because I hated it when it happened to me. It takes very little effort to not do it.

Perhaps you shouldn't be working 57 hours pw mimi. I hope the NHS has asked you to withdraw from the European Working Time Directive.

I am sorry about your child .

What irks when I do ask for my name to be used though is the eye roll. It is so rude.

I’d get my copy of a letter from paed to GP or SENCO, saying ‘mum reports problems with toileting but school sees no issue,’ etc. If had said DS’s mum or preferably DS’s mother or parent it would have been less patronising.

To be honest, annoying though you find it, that’s probably for expediency. The letters I’ve seen like that usually have the child’s name, date of birth and NHS number in bold at the start of the letter so the writer probably assumes everything in the letter refers back to that child.

I spend about 50% of my time in this job writing reports and if I had to write [child’s name]’s mum”, [child’s name]’s grandmother, etc. even after putting the child’s name at the top of the report so it’s clear who it’s about, I would find that annoying and unnecessarily time-consuming.

Not to mention the fact that most of my work involves families with several children, so posting all the names every time I refer to a parent would be a nightmare.

The only time this annoys me is when the school do it. If they call me they must have my name in front of them so why call me dds name mum.
I understand it more if I call them. Had it all through primary school and now have it at secondary school. But it doesn't annoy me enough to complain.

Btw your identity to your health visitor is mum they are not interested in much else
So it would be acceptable for me to call the HV «health visitor»? As in «hello health visitor»? Because after all I am only interested in her as a health visitor.
Oh no, I forgot, there is this thing called being polite....

@Rosebel

You should complain! I never call a parent “mum” or “dad” when they’re sitting in front of me. I know their name.

Our head teacher does it all the time when we’re in a parent meeting together. I hate it and always make a point of calling the parent by their actual name.

This woman is your patient. In no other field would you address a patient based on the reason they’re in front of you - Hello Leg! Or ‘How is Pancreas feeling today?’
@JassyRadlett
100% this. 👏

I spend about 50% of my time in this job writing reports and if I had to write [child’s name]’s mum”, [child’s name]’s grandmother, etc. even after putting the child’s name at the top of the report so it’s clear who it’s about, I would find that annoying and unnecessarily time-consuming.

‘His mother’ or ‘her mother’ rather than ‘mum’ costs seconds, maximum, and may make your patient’s caregiver feel less alienated.

Why the war on pronouns?

I'm a children's nurse, frankly at the end of a shift if I can remember your child's name and not just their condition/ what medication I've given them then it's a positive. So yes a lot of the time you are Mum & Dad.

On the other side of it, as a new parent to my adopted child I love health professionals referring to me as Mum

I remember when my first child was born after a long struggle to get pregnant. Nothing made me more proud than being called mum. It is most definitely NOT and insult.

What a lovely way of looking at it.

In the grand scheme of things, it isn't important in the slightest, is it? Just another reason to moan at overworked and underpaid NHS staff.

Oh yes I hated this. They wouldn't use your name much after all in the normal run of things - I couldn't imagine a regular Dr's appointment where a HCP would say 'and how's Bee feeling?' 'What does Bee think?' etc so why do they do it in this context. I'd so much rather they'd just said 'you'. I did still exist as an individual entity!

So dehumanizing and grating.

I dont think its about not remembering names but about not offending ( eg by saying Mrs X if you are unmarried or Ms if you are) also using 1st name may be too informal for some and addressing as Mr this or Ms that to formal for others.
Often HCP's are meeting many family members per day and wont have time to find out what you prefer to be addressed as .
If you are bothered by it just say ' call me Jane'
Problem solved!

I'd so much rather they'd just said 'you'. I did still exist as an individual entity!

A thousand times this.

The defensive on this thread are ignoring the fact that 90% of the time using a name is totally unnecessary. Look the person in the eye and say ‘you’.

Yes it's super weird to be called mum and baby and i didn't like it at all.
Eg "how is baby?"
I prefer "how is your baby?"
Or "how is mum?"
I prefer "how are you?"

His mother’ or ‘her mother’ rather than ‘mum’ costs seconds, maximum, and may make your patient’s caregiver feel less alienated.

Tbf parents don’t read my reports as they’re for our safeguarding files (unless they request to see them), so it wouldn’t affect how alienated or not they feel. As I said in another post, I always refer to people by their name if I’m in a meeting with them.

And in the other part of my post I mentioned how complicated it might get when, as is the case with most of the families I work with, there are several children in the family.

If I had a baby now (I'm in my 50s so not actually in my life plan) I would just say
"Can you not talk in this weird way" and I wish I had had the confidence at the time.

See also "he/she has mental health"
Well durr everyone has mental health.

And in the other part of my post I mentioned how complicated it might get when, as is the case with most of the families I work with, there are several children in the family.

But in that example why would ‘his mother’ be less complicated than ‘mum’?

I get that you’re not writing your particular documents for that audience. But as seen on this thread, many people think it’s fine for documents seen by and copied to the parents.

Often HCP's are meeting many family members per day and wont have time to find out what you prefer to be addressed as . If you are bothered by it just say ' call me Jane'

I don’t get this. If they don’t have time for ‘what would you like me to call you?’ how do they have time to be corrected?

I experience both sides of this. I’m a teacher and always refer to parents as ‘mum’ or dad. I have 60 children and often very complicated family dynamics to deal with so it’s often not ‘mr and mrs ’ and as PPs have said, their role to me is mum or dad of that child and nothing else. I don’t feel the need to personalise the conversation by trying (and usually failing!) to remember their names. This in no way reflects how well I know or care for their child.

I’m also a mum to a 2 year old and pregnant so have been called ‘mum’ on multiple occasions. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Mary none of my dc's teachers ever called me mum. They may have called me Jack's mum which was fine. As they were always called Mrs or Miss something or other, they usually called me Mrs Roses. Not hard as that was also my children's surname. Also parents weren't just mum and dad with no relationship at my children's schools. Parents were a huge source of support to the school wprking in partnership for the good of the children, the church and the community. Parents were also a huge source of funds at my dc's state primary, raising tens of thousands for a new piano, refurbishing playgrounds, landscaping the garden, etc.

Paradoxically once the dc were moved to the independent sector parents and teachers tended to use first names.

Nobody has ever on these threads been able to explain why
“And how is mum feeling today?”
Is apparently preferable to
“How are you feeling?”