To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

Are there really this many uptight, willing to complain about anything and everything people in the world? It actually makes me sad.

This is going to happen for years to come with Drs, nurses, teachers etc. They don't have the time to learn your name for the 5 minute conversation they will have with you. Don't waste energy being upset by this, it makes you look precious. As long as these people are doing right by your child, that's all you need to worry about.

I hated it too. Lots of meeting with paediatricians, all calling me ‘mum’ and referring to me as ‘mum’ in letters and documentation. It’s the lack of correct grammar that was irritating and seemed patronising. DS’s mum, or preferably DS’s parent would have been better.

I know some people call doctors, ‘doc’ but they don’t say, ‘And how is doc, today?’ They’d say, ‘How are you today, doc?’ The difference is subtle but meaningful.

I hate it. It's reductive, twee and it does lower my opinion of people if they use it.

I see no need for it. If you can't remember a name, just say "how are you today" rather than "how are you Toothy" or "how are you Mrs Bitch". That's what I'd do. No need to add a pointless "mum" on the end or twist yourself into pointless grammatical knots to say "and how is mum today", usually in a sickly sweet voice. Yuck. I'm not 6 .

It's a lazy way to address and engage people. I also cannot abide any reduction of female identity to just "mum" though and have been known to hide "mum to be" Christmas cards & similar in card shops.

@MillicentMartha

They referred to you as mum in a letter?

As in “Dear Mum”?

Pulling rank how?

I don't understand this thinking at all because there is no higher rank than mum in this situation, if you want to rank people.

It's fairly obvious, isn't it? The subtext is "We're all qualified professionals, we will call each other by our names; you are simply the mum, you are not qualified, we don't have to bother with your name."

I prefer health professionals to remember the health details on my notes than my name.

The trouble is, if they can't be bothered to look at my notes long enough to find out my name, I'm not sure that I trust them to remember what's in those notes either.

They referred to you as mum in a letter?
As in “Dear Mum”? grin

DS has letters that might state "Saw PFB and Mom today in clinic... PFB appeared unwell and Mom was concerned about XUZ"

@MrsToothyBitch how immature. Who are you to decide how womem ahpd be addressed? Rip them up and bin them if someone buys them you, but it isnt your place to decide other women can't be Moms-To-Be

I’ve never understood why people in this field have such an aversion to talking directly to adults. ‘How is mum today’ rather than ‘how are you today’. ‘What does mum think’ instead of ‘what do you think’ in a conversation they’re having directly with me and not with my kids, especially when my kids were babies.

DH doesn’t get it nearly as much, incidentally. He has done primary parent/interaction with HCPs with the kids nearly as much as I have and somehow most HCPs have found the wherewithal to either ask him what he’d like to be called or talk to him directly using personal pronouns.

It’s bad enough from HCPs working primarily with the children but from a midwife it’s inexcusable. This woman is your patient. In no other field would you address a patient based on the reason they’re in front of you - Hello Leg! Or ‘How is Pancreas feeling today?’

Many people find it distancing and dehumanising. I find it curious how unwilling some HCPs are to reflect on this rather than defending the practice.

I don't mind it with fleeting visits, but I loathe it with professionals I have to see fairly regularly for my DC with SN.

DS3's teacher calls me mum, I assumed she did this as a general thing but have found out she doesn't address other parents like it. She does at least also call DH Dad.
this blog post really resonated with me

itmustbemum.wordpress.com/2017/03/26/im-not-mum/

I hate anyone except ds calling me mum, it is like once you have had a child you lose your personal identity.

Mum is the highest rank though. Being the mum of the child doesn't make you lower than anyone.

I promise you, if you are in a professionals' meeting where everyone else gets a name and you just get called Mum, it will be very clear to you that you stand right at the lowest point in the pecking order.

People who say it's OK because it's so difficult to remember names: how do you imagine people working with adults manage? I've never been in an A&E or outpatients' clinic where they've called me "patient".

Likewise for people who worry about causing offence: it really isn't difficult to say "Is it OK if I call you Mary?" or "Which name do you prefer to use?"

@SleepingStandingUp why would you want a Christmas card that basically implies that your only worth or identity or that the only interesting thing about you is effectively being an incubator? I simply think it's awful and that they're the preserve of the immature and unoriginal. If I could afford to buy all the ones local to me and had the means for a bonfire, trust me, I would.

Will agree to disagree though, I'm sure some people would love to get one. Just why not write a personal acknowledgement in a normal card if it means that much?

I've worked in a very similar role and when visiting families I did always call the parents 'Mum' and 'Dad'. I wasn't doing it to be rude or 'pull rank' as you put it - it was quite simply that I used to see so many people in one day that there was no way I'd ever remember all of the names.

I've worked in a very similar role and when visiting families I did always call the parents 'Mum' and 'Dad'.

Did you honestly need to say much that ‘you’ wouldn’t have covered? Would you honestly not remember names they gave you at the beginning of a conversation that started ‘what would you like me to call you?’ I have had HCPs in busy clinics and services who have been able to do this and I promise you it made me feel more respected and put me more at ease.

It feels like a verbal tic with some HVs and nurses in particular; some can barely get through a sentence without it when ‘you’ or no name at all would have been sufficient.

@FamilyOfAliens, no, not Dear mum! I’d get my copy of a letter from paed to GP or SENCO, saying ‘mum reports problems with toileting but school sees no issue,’ etc. If had said DS’s mum or preferably DS’s mother or parent it would have been less patronising.

My community midwives were brilliant and always used my name, but I saw a lot of hospital midwives who would not only call me Mum, but also talk about me in the third person as if I wasn't there, even though there were only two of us in the room ("I see Mum has had three previous pregnancies" or "Has Mum been taking her folic acid?"). That was weird.

These were exactly the same midwives who didn't bother to pay attention to important things on my notes, or only half-read them. With my last pregnancy I was admitted at 34 weeks and was very upset when (in front of a ward full of strangers) the midwife admitting me starting blathering on about how my only daughter must be sooo spoilt with so many brothers. My only daughter was stillborn, which was written all over my notes (on the front in capital letters, in the list of pregnancies, in notes made by the consultant). I'm afraid I was fairly blunt in my reply.

If it was just the Mum thing, I would have just rolled my eyes and got on with it, but it does seem to go along with a lack of care and attention to detail, which is a much more serious issue.

I can’t bear it either. Why do definite articles always get abandoned, too?!

My midwife is lovely so I don’t want to jump down her throat but I can’t stand all the, “how’s Mummy today?” And “how’s baby?”

I’m WinterWoollies and it’s THE baby, thank you.

Makes my skin crawl for some reason.

@chocolateandpinkgin, can you not see how patronising it sounds? I would hope after this thread you’d modify your language in future.

And how are you feeling today, HCP? Is it a busy day for SW? Too many names for HCP/SW to remember?

Yes, I can imagine the minutes of I referred to the attendees as their role

"Mum was present but hostile. Mum repeatedly referred to Miss Smith as "Class Teacher" Mrs Jones as "SENCo" and Ms Williams as "Head Teacher"".

I think they all do it. Just standard practice. X

@Winterwoollies "baby" instead of "the baby" or "your baby" or even "baby surname" is my other peeve. Don't mind if you can't remember the name, just talk normally!

I can see both sides really.

I can see how some people might see it as them feeling like maybe a loss of identity and just mum or not significant enough for their names to be used

I really didnt mind it at all ( I think mum is the best title ever ) I took it as a nice excited thing to be a new mum and so they used it.

The 12 month test was scheduled in between 10 and 14months (when I had son). Are you concerned he needs an assessment or is it just the frustration of not being given a date yet?

I remember when my first child was born after a long struggle to get pregnant. Nothing made me more proud than being called mum. It is most definitely NOT and insult.