To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

If you’re not happy (or rather, unable to cope with his ways!) then having a baby with him would be madness.

Maybe be very straight with him (again) and tell him this - see what happens over the next few months (can he chill out a bit, can you up your game a bit) and work out what you’d do if you separated.

Don’t have a baby.
Take a long hard look at your boys. Are you happy with the way they are being treated by him?

Fuck that. I would be off.

He constantly criticises you and your children and none of you can relax in your own home. Any wonder you want to leave him.

@Wildorchidz

This is what’s upsetting me I suppose, because I feel like they’ll think he’s nice and plays with them etc but equally is a bit of a bad head.

I’m trying to have the argument with myself as to whether I’m being OTT about him. He doesn’t tell them off, he just reminds them (nicely albeit) to close your lips when you eat etc... and part I’d be things he’s like a bagging old wife but then the other part things if they’re not taught at home, where will they learn to have manners etc...

I think I'd try marriage counselling with him. As he's not hearing you

I meant part of me thinks he’s like a nagging old wife

My husband has a form of OCD and found medication very helpful as well as marriage counselling

If you can't relax and be at ease in your own home then something's wrong. How do you think your son's feel about it? I wouldn't be able to stay

@figglepige

Think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. It does at times feel like I/we can’t relax.

Does he really have OCD or is he controlling? Some of the things you describe would raise a red flag for me. If you want to touch the walls, just do it. I wouldn't be happy having my kids brought up like that.

You need couple's counselling or else your marriage will be ending, baby or no baby. He is a tyrant, even if he does say things "nicely."

If you don’t want a baby with him, then why are you with him?
You’ve said that you’re fed up of his OCD ways, and that he’s a pain in the arse with your children, so why are you staying with him?

You said “ he isn’t a bad person but...” and then you said that he owns his own company.
So why, exactly are you staying with him?

He sounds so prissy. Close your mouth while eating, fine. Don't touch the walls is ridiculous.

Are you walking on eggshells? Can't relax in your own home? Cos thats no way to live.

Another vote for marriage counselling. He needs to hear from someone else how overbearing and unreasonable he is being, and how it's making you feel.

You will know what to do after that based on his reaction - i.e. does he take it to heart or deny, deny, deny.

Contrary to the other posts on here, I dont think he sounds that bad. He has a standard of living and he wants the others in the house to respect it - is not touching the sofa with sticky hands really that outlandish to expect from an 8 or 12 year old?

If you don't want a baby with him then it sounds like you're just staying with him for the profits of that company he owns.

Tell him for 24 hours he can't do anything, not put something away or turn off a light, get a YouTube of a crying baby and hand him a bag of flour that he can't put down.

You don't sound right for each other. He sounds controlling, prissy and joyless and would suck the happiness out of any future you shared, baby or no baby.

Also, if you had a baby with him and inevitably split, imagine co-parenting with someone who was such a stick in the mud and had little empathy and awareness of other viewpoints/ability to compromise. It would be a fucking nightmare! I co-parent with someone quite similar in some ways (though vastly different in others) and it has tested me beyond anything I have ever experienced.
I think you know what you need to do, you just need the courage and maybe the planning/funds to take the plunge? Best of luck with it. You'd probably both be loads happier with other people.

I agree with PolPotNoodle.
My DH has far higher standards than me and I let him get on with it. Your DH lives with your DS’s much of the time and, as you say, calmly and kindly asks them to behave in an appropriate manner. I guess he would be equally realistic about the chaos a new baby can bring and would no doubt be far more supportive than some DH on here as regards routine and keeping on top of the household stuff.
Please don’t have a baby unless you are sure you are committed to staying together. Counselling would be a useful tool to establish your future compatibility.

I would give counseling a try.

We had a similar, but not identical issue, within our household and the counselor was really able to help. All parties were willing to really try to address the issue. I don’t know if it would have worked otherwise, but my household is so much more mellow now.

OP, I have been with two men like this (was married to one of the, and had a baby with the other). I understand the "nagging old wife" feeling, but for me as they both also were abusive (in different ways) I wasn't able to stay. Even without any abuse, you'll need to continue to examine your life with him and decide if this is how you want it to be. Maybe some counselling can help, who knows.

Thanks for that PolPotNoodle, I was beginning to think I was seriously deluded or something as I thought what the OP gave as examples were fine. Of course you don't want sticky hands all over the sofa, or have to eat/sit next to someone eating with their mouth open.
OP, you and your partner obviously have different standards, it's whether you can reach a compromise or not on them. Maybe try as others have suggested counselling?

The constant (albeit 'nice') criticism will have a negative affect on your children.

He sounds like an absolute fun sponge and there's no way I could live my life modifying my behaviour in my own home, to keep a man happy.

If you are feeling it, you can bet your bottom dollar your kids will be feeling exactly the same, but feel unable to speak about it because they are already trying to keep harmony in their own home. They will see it as part of their duty.

I don't think his requests are ott at all.

Eating with your mouth closed = basic manners

Not getting sticky, dirty marks on walls and sofa = sensible and clean

Lights off when not in room =surely anything else is pure stupidity and waste?

The not splashing too much is the only ott thing here!

"I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine ...
Well clearly you feel that when he is faced with the reality, it will not be fine. And this is a clear example of him discounting what you say.

"... but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him."

YOU NEED TO TALK. And if you feel he doesn't listen to you and continues to discount what you say and controls the narrative, then you need to talk in the presence of a professional counsellor.

Obviously, don't have a baby until/if this is resolved.