To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

OCD is debilitating! It's constant anxiety which prevents you from actually living your life! But hey! That doesn't matter to people like you now does it?

True but why should the OP put up with it if the DH does actually have it? As I said upthread I have a young adult with it so I have many years experience living with someone with it. It’s completely shit for them. However, I and the rest of my family don’t have to suffer them making it completely shit for the rest of us. When it starts creeping towards that point again we tell them they need to go get assistance so it gets back to a level that doesn’t make life hell for the rest of us as well. They then go and work intensively with a clinical psychologist.

It’s that simple, if someone is actively trying to get it to a level that’s better for them and doesn’t adversely impact those around them too much then we’re prepared to suffer short term while they are actively working towards it. If they don’t think it’s an issue and don’t want to do this they can go live somewhere else as it can’t be allowed to make the rest of our lives a nightmare. They will never be cured but fuck using it as an excuse to make everyone else’s life hell if they aren’t actively trying to do anything about it!

I think the OP is right in leaving. It will never get better if someone doesn’t realise it’s and issue and want to address it.

I think you are wise to leave OP. Sure, as you said this board is split with some saying they are same or they would like it if their partner is more like yours but it isn't for you. You have to live with this and it is your decision.

My ex would get more and more officious and demanding and then he would go into a 48 hour cleaning frenzy where he would scrub furiously at imagined filth then paint everything and then fall into bed exhausted and not even let his dog out or feed him. It was all aimed at me. He would even unscrew screws in doorframes so he could polish the heads with emery cloth and reseat them. On the second occasion of this I was able to see he was in a cycle and I had joined him! I left. I am now married to DH and we are both able to clean and tidy enough to make us happy and relaxed. If we wanted to put the house on the market we would have to have the mother and father of all clean ups but we don't so we won't. We live here and eat and drink on the sofa and in bed sometimes and enjoy our home.

I agree, but it needn't be either or. Having a dirty house because you spend every working minute doing stuff with your children doesn't make you morally superior. It is perfectly possible to have a homely and clean house and spend quality time with your children.

This is true, but how many people died wishing they'd spent more time on housework, versus those who wished they'd spent more time with their children when they were young?

It is perfectly possible to have a homely and clean house and spend quality time with your children

Her hime doesn’t sound homely - it sounds like a prison. Those quality times with the kids no doubt being constantly interrupted by mindless observations. It’s hardly a joyful atmosphere is it?

I have a friend who’s like this. We don’t visit anymore. I can’t take the pressure of her rules. She controls everything. But then when she visited mine (perfectly clean and tidy, just not her standard) she’d get sniffy about the odd fingerprint on a window or door frame mark. Horrid.

Insecure men regain balance y controlling everything around them.

He runs his own company because that way he controls his working life.

He controls all of you at home to feel secure. His level of control is not normal and creates a walking on eggshells, tension filled atmosphere that get worse over time. I promise you that if he is allowed to carry on like this and you or you children disobey his rules, he will start to explode in anger as it's how men like him react when things are going out of control.

Having a baby will load all the dice in his favour and I'm sure you will see an increase in controlling behaviour and a greater risk of explosions in temper.

My ex was just like him. I recognise the controlling behaviours, including not putting your hands on the walls! Sadly he is underneath insecure and quite unhappy, but you cannot cure him. However understanding and accommodating you are it's almost impossible to change this behaviour.

I really would just end this now. I suggest taking your boys away to a cheap hotel for a week and enjoy yourselves without him. It will make you realise how suffocated you are in your home when you return to his environment. OCD is not the problem, it's just a manifestation of his internal issues.

Good luck OP - I'm glad you've reached a decision. Life is for living - this environment sounds too oppressive for you and your boys.

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years for precisely those reasons. We didn't even live together. Too controlling and my children were not happy in his presence with all the rules. I found myself on edge each time he was at mine. Are you really happy OP. He sounds like a nightmare.