To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

I can't bear loads of petty rules. They be be based in sense but people should be able to relax in their own home. Its yours and your kids home too.

Some of his rules don't sound too bad...but you live together. He has to be willing to compromise. This is just as bad as living with a partner with no standards, someone you're forever picking up after. It's living with someone who is not prepared to change any aspect of their behaviour to accommodate an equal partner in their lives. If you both can't compromise and be happy about it, you might as well leave now.

Do you want another baby or are you only considering it because he has suggested it?

I don’t think his ‘rules’ sound excessive, just trying to instill good manners in young people and keep the house nice ... so many men seem to be happy to live in a tip and expect the wife to do all the housework & cleaning and now people are saying it’s controlling when the man asks children to respect things . Look at the thread on mops where some women seem to think it is quite normal to have different mops to clean different floors.

(And I do dry my shower after use, does help it to look much cleaner, and I am not that obsessive about housework , have asked my DH & DS to do the same but they don’t, I don’t nag about it but it does irritate me when I am the one scrubbing out the showers ).

My stepdad is like this. He is actually in the military and is used to extremely high cleaning and behaviour standards.

I'm not. I'm not an untidy person but sometimes after I eat dinner I like to relax a bit before I do the dishes, whereas he wants the dishes done and put away immediately.

Anyway, I ended up moving out at 17 as it was too much for me.

Tread carefully OP. I'm not saying he's a bad person but when you have children some standards need to be dropped a little.

My DM is like that and growing up with her was oppressive because of it. I remember how difficult it was to stop friends from touching the walls and how I concluded that it was easier not to invite friends over. Our lives were controlled by her need for tidiness and order. She’s never sought help and therefore never been diagnosed but I think that when a person’s need for tidiness and cleanliness adversely affects them and those around them, then they have a problem not merely a preference.

Talk to your DCs. How do they feel about all this? If they think these rules are fine, eccentric but overall tolerable and funny then it’s OK. I’d be surprised if that is what they think though.

No, don’t have a baby with him. Aside from anything else the stresses of a newborn may lead him to exaggerate further his need for control.

To be fair, to me most of his rules seem like rules that would apply anyway? lights off, doors closed, no dirty shoes in the house, not splashing water everywhere etc?
is there anything more going on, or did both of you just have fundamentally different upbringings?

The examples given are not OTT in isolation, but if you live in it & it's a constant drip, drip, drip of criticism it becomes too much.

My FIL is like this - it feels like he's waiting for our boys to touch the walls e.g. when leaning against them as they get their shoes off, so he can leap on them. There's a rule for everything, he's constantly vibrating round in the background with a comment on crumbs or wielding a napkin, it's a huge funsuck and it's tiresome.

He leads life in a state of high anxiety and he's passed it to my DH. Difference is DH says he made a deliberate choice to stop letting the small things when we had children because else he'd turn into his dad.

We still have a clean & tidy home, but it's not an anxious one.

I don't find any of those issues weird and certainly not abusive (such an abused word in itself on here !). Unless the REACTION to these rules being contravened are violent, verbally threatening or emotionally manipulative.

If it's just constant reminder. Then tell him to dial it down.
Although his parsimony with finances may be related to paying for the lions share of the costs of your children. If, as I am guessing, you get little CM from 50/50 childcare and work term-time only ? (If this is not the case and you do in fact have a good income, why don't you just separate your income for you and the kids and have a bills account into which you both contribute. Then his
wish 'not to spend too much' is his own issue to deal with.

I think people getting all over themselves and talking about 'red flags' is because the man is a STEP father. If this were rules imposed by a biological father, no one would consider it strange, just a bit house-proud. With high standards.

However none of that actually really matters.
You do not need a 'reason' or 'permission' to leave a relationship. You are an adult human with the right to be or stay with whoever you choose. With the equal right to leave when ever you choose.

If you aren't happy. Regardless of reason, you are free to leave. You are also married so will be able to take advantage of the good income earned by husband to set you on your feet , by yourselves.

If someone told me off for splashing too much at a sink, I'd tell em to feck right off. Its just water. It dries. And as for not touching the walls of your own home! Jeez. I couldn't do it. A house is a home not a museum. He sounds awful

But he was like this when you married him?

Did you discuss having kids together?

I agree with pps that seems a pretty usual way to be.

Maybe it's the way that he mentions it to your kids?

But if you don't want children & he does then best to tell him so that you can split & he can find someone who does want kids with him.

There's a thread on here about the relief of being able to do what you want now that you're out of an abusive relationship. Central heating features large, as does light switching.

I'm not for a second suggesting this is an abusive situation, but when one adult instils annoying 'rules' in the house, it can create a tense atmosphere.

My DP switches lights off and makes a tutting noise. I could literally leave him in those moments because it's like living with an aggrieved victorian headmaster.

Meanwhile his own habits that annoy me aren't up for discussion.

I do love him and so does DS, but when he's away with work there's a sense of breathing out and doing whatever the fuck we like.

I've just spotted the climate change thread, and things like closing doors to keep the heat in and turning lights off are basic common sense. As is everything laid out in the first post (except drying the shower, but I suppose if you want to avoid using a spray so much, that also makes sense and is eco friendly)

I expect he can well distinguish between a toddler who cannot help some of its actions, and those of age 8+ who really should be capable.

He has made one unwise decision (getting paint that marks). I think refusing to have DC because of that is excessive.

I think OP has spotted a different kind of incompatibility between her and her DP, and their different attitudes to what people can do about climate change is a symptom notna cause.

Lundy Bancroft's "Drill Sergeant".

Take your poor, abused children and leave - otherwise they'll rightly resent you for ruining their childhood and will barely see you when they grow up.

I think I love him, I'd have a baby with him! All perfectly reasonable requests imo, respecting the surroundings and others.

Your boys might grow up very resentful that you allowed this man to control you and them like that.

Nothing what you’ve said sounds like he’s being unfair, just that you have quite different standards. My ddad was like your dh and it was like walking on eggshells, there’s a limit. But eating with mouths closed should be taught and reenforced at 2/3 years, washing hands after eating, etc doesn’t sound OCD, it sounds normal.

Sounds like you shouldn’t have married him in the first place. He is who he is and you knew all of this before. You sound really selfish saying you can’t leave as you have no where to go... I feel like if some other man came on the scene you’d leave him just because he likes the house to be clean and tidy!

You’re lucky you have a man like that, most couldn’t care less and you’re running around after them trying to sort out the destruction they leave in their wake.

The true answer is you don’t want a baby with him because you don’t love him. Let the poor man go and be happy with someone who appreciates him, and isn’t with him just because he has some money.

Climate change my arse! Oh that made me laugh. Dads have been moaning about lights and heating since lights and heating were invented. There are memes about it.

My DP is shit at recycling, chucks good clothes in the bin rather than take them to the charity shop and never ever remembers to take cotton bags to the supermarket. My cheerful reminders might as well be in Greek.

Are you honestly suggesting that the nations grumpy dads are doing it for Greta?

My dad was always like this growing up, and I’ve turned out fine. Friends parents always commented on my excellent house and table manners when I was small.

Now I own my own house, I see why he didn’t want us rubbing our hands down walls (why do we need to?) or touching furniture with sticky hands (we also weren’t allowed to sit on the sofa with dark blue jeans in case the dye came off....all that taught me was to buy a dark coloured sofa!)

Over Christmas, my DB’s two children (5 and 8) were crashing around my parents’ house, bashing toys hard on the top of the coffee table, shoes on the sofa, grubby fingers everywhere, and grim table manners. I could see my mum and dad trying to keep calm whilst DB and DSil were oblivious. I think it’s unfair that their things get trashed when the children could just be taught to look after things...

To be fair, what your husband is reminding your boys about sounds like common sense and good manners. We remind our little ones to not talk with mouthful or chew nicely, no sticky hands on sofa. It all sounds like normal things that you should want your kids to learn.....

Are you the poster who has to do a long commute with your children because you moved to be near him and his family. One of your solutions to doing that long school run was to take a new baby out all day and just hang about near the older ones school?
If not I apologise, but this seems familiar somehow.
While there is nothing wrong with having house rules to keep it tidy and clean, constant nit picking and moaning will drive anyone to distraction.
Think carefully.

It would be OK to say that his asking for a child with you has made you look at your relationship and you have come to realise that you no longer want to be with him.

I moved in with a DP. He was a bit like this but my moving in sent him into overdrive and it was hopeless. I couldn't relax apart from at work. Everything had to be his way. I left. a home should be a refuge from the pressures of the world. No one should step out of their home to breathe.

Do you love him OP. I mean really really love him? If you don't the first paragraph here applies. Divorce him and relax and have a much nicer life.

I agree you need couples counselling. I wouldn’t bring another child into this.

SERIOUS ADVICE
google obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

I was married to someone who sounds like this...note the word was.

This is why it’s so difficult as there are two camps even on here. Those that feel his behaviour/expectations are ok and those that don’t.

I’ve o my got as far as page 2 and I think more people agree with me so far
but this is why I question AIBU it is it him.

For those that ask how does he cope if rules aren’t followed.... he’ll politely remind us to close the doors, turn lights off etc and if it’s happened a few times that day then he’ll have a slight look of frustration but would never shout.

For those suggesting I’m staying with him as he owns a business, I was illustrating he provides for us and works hard, although I do work too. I’m staying atm cos I do love him but it’s starting to be sucked out of me with the constant nag nag nag