To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

@AllYouGoodGoodPeople
I think we can assume that yes this is the long commute guy.
Maybe those kids will move in with their dad and who would blame them.
Op he wants you to have a baby to exert more control over you and your kids. You seriously need to leave.

There is no inherent moral value in keeping the walls of your house clean!
Kindness, honesty, generosity, integrity. These are the moral values that matter and make a decent partner.

And sitting with a cloth beside ds ready to clean his haves before he gets up 😳 it just gets too much at times

That’s ridiculous! I couldn’t like that.

He is not OCD.

Are you serious? @CornishMaid1
Are you that dense? How can you be ocd?

And there is no inherent moral value in not wanting to keep your house clean either.

Keeping a house clean at the expense of children’s and OPs sanity is ridiculous.

@PatricksRum - Of course I am serious and no I am not dense. Don't be so rude. Are you really picking up on what I said for saying 'he is not OCD' rather than 'he is not suffering from OCD'?!

The behaviour OP has described is not necessarily the behaviour of a person with obsessive compulsive disorder. For the disorder the sufferer is compelled to carry out the act which becomes obsessive. He is not doing that from what OP has said. He just does not want dirty handprints in the house and to waste electricity leaving doors open and lights on.

OP has even said that he just gets a bit frustrated having to keep asking, not obsessively cleaning or going around to check each light and door. OP has given no indication of OCD behaviour, just that she does not like how he acts.

Your family set up sounds very like that of a friend of mine. Her DP was very charming but constantly nitpicking and reminding her and her DCs to do innocuous stuff like the eating with mouths closed example. He was also controlling with money. He grew more and more controlling but gradually over a long period of time, and she had a baby with him. He didn’t relax at all, he became very critical of the way she was doing things, in spite of the fact she had successfully already had 2 babies before meeting him. Eventually she left him because the constant overbearing nagging of her children was causing big behavioural issues with them and for her, her DCs happiness was paramount. Afterwards she said she had not realised just how oppressive he had been until he was no longer there. Another poster on this thread said something along the lines of the relief of knowing she wouldn’t be told off for not washing up a mug in her new home immediately - it was the same for my friend.

I would be very wary of having a child with this man.

Honestly, I would be the same with most of those rules, as would my DH. I couldn't live in a dirty home with people touching things with sticky hands or constantly leaving lights on. But maybe that is the issue here, you have different standards and maybe want a more relaxed atmosphere than his personality allows. There is also a difference between focused on saving and being a miser who hoards money to themselves at the expense of the rest of the family. If he is very authoritative I can see problems ahead too with teenagers who won't want to be ordered around.

It certainly sounds like bringing a baby into this environment is a bad idea and maybe you need to think about whether this marriage will work for you.

I don't think any of the rules sound that bad to be honest, although I can imagine it being irritated to be constantly reminded. Although for most of them, surely they are easy enough to follow that there would be no need to be reminded? It's not a big hardship to wash your hands if they are sticky before touching furniture, or take your shoes off when you come into the house.

From what you have said on this post (I haven't read your others), he is not controlling or abusive - you've even said that after repeatedly ignoring requests he only gets mildly frustrated, but never shouts.

In fact if the reverse had been posted, with a woman posting about her partner and children who consistently ignore her polite requests to keep the house clean and tidy, the advice would be very different and along the lines of 'your DH needs to support you in setting standards.'

Anyway to your actual question - no you shouldn't have a baby because you don't seem to particularly like your husband and your relationship doesn't sound very good.

Keeping a house clean at the expense of children’s and OPs sanity is ridiculous.

I agree, but it needn't be either or. Having a dirty house because you spend every working minute doing stuff with your children doesn't make you morally superior. It is perfectly possible to have a homely and clean house and spend quality time with your children.

At 8 and 12 the boys should not need to be reminded all the time to comply with what are not unreasonable requests.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3752185-To-feel-DH-being-selfish-for-not-wanting-to-move-if-we-have-a-baby

This is an earlier thread. It's not just about the cleaning.

OP I don't know if he's a controlling bully or if the two of you are just incompatible but either way, you shouldn't have a baby with him. At 8 and 12 your DC will be getting more independent and less in need of childcare. This gives you more freedom to work and do what you want, independently of any relationship. Don't have a baby with someone you can't stand living with.

@CornishMaid1 Yes.
Why are you trying to diagnose over the Internet?
Your terminology is extremely offensive. One cannot be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

@PatricksRum I am not trying to diagnose - I don’t know OP’s DH any more than anyone else here and none of us can diagnose whether he has the condition but just being particular about the house does not mean he has OCD. Sorry if you felt offended and I will proof-read my post next time.

OP - from your update on money and the link a pp has posted, this is about more than just

OP - from your update on money and the link a pp has posted, this is about more than just tidying.

You don’t sound happy and it does not sound like you are in a good place, especially if he is controlling your money. You need to think seriously about your relationship and don’t bring a new child into it now. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy.

Ack. I pressed YABU and I meant to press the other button because YAN at all BU. If he’s this difficult now, it’ll feel much harder with a baby. And you’ll be more vulnerable. I couldn’t live with him, but only you know whether you can tolerate this for the next few decades. If you’ve had enough you’re allowed to leave.

@CornishMaid1
Thank you. It just really grates me when people say something like, "I'm a little OCD" or "I'm OCD about xyz" without acknowledging that's it actuslly a severe illness. Thanks for your apology.

My dh is abit like this , he’s very house proud but since having dd he chilled out loads .
Some stuff he’s still quite anal about but most of it makes sense so I just go along with it

If you can't trust him with a new baby why are you trusting him with your children, or you for that matter?

Well we’ll be having the chat this weekend. Definitely won’t be having a baby for sure and I have made arrangements to rent somewhere else with my two boys. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being OTT. He’s not a bad person but it’s too much for me!

I hope he meets someone truly wonderful who loves tidying 🤣

Thanks for all your support, much appreciated. And particularly to the those that ‘called me out’. Thanks for that 🙄 that was not relative to this topic but of course some people can’t help themselves....

Well done OP, it seems the best move as not a great environment for your kids. It’s not the controlling manner and inability to be comfortable in your own home that’s the true problem here.

Does he actually have OCD? Because I do, and it's not all about being a neat freak or whatever x, y and z

Does he actually have OCD? Because I do, and it's not all about being a neat freak or whatever x, y and z "insert trait here" that people on social media focus on, including you @CombyourhairNow.

Your passive aggressive comment "Thanks for all your support, much appreciated. And particularly to the those that ‘called me out’. Thanks for that 🙄 that was not relative to this topic but of course some people can’t help themselves...." is quite frankly, absolutely disgusting, and says more about your character than anything else you've written!

OCD is debilitating! It's constant anxiety which prevents you from actually living your life! But hey! That doesn't matter to people like you now does it?

Of course people are going to pick up on you being offensive and call you out on it! You deserved it when you took a serious mental health conditions acronym and used it as a bloody adjective!