To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

This is tricky,,, I was beginning to wish my husband had the same standards!!
On a serious note though in all honestly I would hate a sergeant major in our house (it's probably me anyways) and it's bound to be upsetting when he is continuously on at your boys but could you not take that on yourself and be the one to keep them in check and keep on top of their manners? I don't mean this in anyway other than it would be best coming from you but I wouldn't like someone dictating to my children but I also wouldn't like bad manners and finger marks down stair walls etc.

Apart from the splashing water in the sink the other things don’t seem all that odd.
Maybe not touching the walls but to be honest I wouldn’t touch the light coloured walls on my stairs as they do get grubby, kids with sticky fingers too.

It depends on his reaction if the rules are broken, does he shout? Are you afraid of him?

Maybe he just has higher clean standards than you.

thats not ocd.
and he would not be speaking to my boys like that.thats not how you instill manners.it doesnt have to be done like a bloody boodcamps.
and they will either be scared of him and withddraw.or theywill think he is a tosser and when they reach 'that age@lash out

This boils down to CONTROL-watch the film Sleeping With The Enemy if you want to envision your future for yourself and your innocent children.

The entire thing reads like he’s sucking the soul from your body.

Imo I would leave, but then I thoroughly enjoy relaxing, I like a clean house but fuck me when the walls get minging you wash them or touch up the paint you don’t chop the kids hands off!

Who the hell dries a shower?
Why are you forcing your children to live this way? It won't teach them manners! It will teach them that at the first available opportunity they need to get far away from their mother.

Tell him if he wants a child with you he must change first. He starts treating your children better first.

In some ways it's reasonable - I couldn't cope with it personally but I'm quite laissez-faire. In fact, I have ended a relationship because of housework nagging (I sound like a complete slattern now - I like clean, but am not bothered about tidy!) But I think the key question is: how does he react if one of those rules isn't followed? And how willing is he to compromise? So, for instance, a door is left open, does he moan and groan, does he remind pleasantly or even better get up and shut it himself?

Yes, who does dry a shower? As in the glass doors or the tiles and floor too? Never heard of that before.

I would ask him to get counselling for OCD and I would get marriage counselling.

Many of the things you mention could be nothing big but altogether, too much.

How is he the rest of the time? Only the things you have mentioned - probably okay, just examples of many more things - not okay.
What is he like if the rules are not adhered to - okay, he just prefers things to be more organised but accepts it’s not always possible.

• can’t cope gets shouty or upset if things are not done in a certain way.

Response 1 fine Response 2 too controlling. Do the children have friends over or are you too worried he would start trying to control their behaviour? Is he like this with everyone or just you and your children? The answers to these questions should let you know whether he can relax a bit or can never relax. If he can’t relax the rules and you wouldn’t want to subject a new child to this style of living is it really suitable for the children you already have?

I moan at my family for pretty much all those things, not the shower one though!
My response to the large dirty handprints all over the stair walls is that next time I'm buying endurance paint that can be washed, rather than expecting that no one will ever touch it again.
If you are already contemplating eventual divorce, don't have the baby!

close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry” these things aren’t unreasonable. Splashing too much in the sink is, though I get cross with DP for making a mess of our (his, I hate it for this reason) black sink surround because he never wipes up after himself and it looks grotty.

I must be a nightmare to live with.
Shoes always off,
I always dry the shower (but I don’t expect the rest of the family to do that)
I hate sticky fingers on furniture, and I hate finger marks on walls .
And to cap it all my DH hates when I splash water around the sink (I’m the only one who does this as the rest of the family never wash up 😂)

@mummmy2017 good call! I bet he wouldn’t be able to do it!

Some of the examples you give are what I imagine would be encouraged in a climate change conscious world (ie, keeping doors closed to keep heat in, turning off lights, etc). Others are about basic manners are certainly nothing I wasn’t subject to as a child. My father was a dick and my mother wasn’t but both were of a shared mind in this regard and I don’t think any examples you gave would have been out of the ordinary for me.

Having said that, your husband is not your children’s father and I suspect I’d err slightly on the side of caution when laying down the law to kids who already had an active father in their life.

I don’t think he sounds tyrannical though, just strict.

I think obviously the baby is a no-no but why should he always get his own way? What would he do if you didn't dry the shower? (I wouldn't want to be arsed to do that)
Some of his ideals are good but those that are silly or just not how you want it done, you should challenge. What happens if you challenge him?.

What happens if you say "Sod that!" and the bog doesnt get disinfected after a pee or the kids leave their shoes on?

Why are you so worried about breaking his rules?

What will happen if you dont?

Have you read the thread about people who left controlling relationships. The behaviour you describe is exactly the same as what the posters on their described. I have no idea how to link it. You sound like you are walking on eggshells round him. Definitely do not have a baby.

God, why do so many people subject their kids to someone who makes them uncomfortable to be in their own home? Can you imagine what that must feel like? I read it in a book somewhere, how tyranny is essentially an imbalance of power, where one party has no recourse. Who would bring a baby into this? JFC.

Oh dear! The OP’s is thread does have echoes of my marriage / DH. I built a house 2 years ago as an investment. I loved building the house but it’s not a home as DH is constantly fussing about this and that. He’s killed the fun. I’d never build again and we are now desperate to sell the house ASAP. DH is lovely but a pain in the arse. The whole family tell him this frequently. He is germ phobic too. On one occasion I totally lost it and grabbed a load of mud on a dog walk and rubbed it all over myself to prove some or other crazy point. It’s a constant bone of contention and yes fun sponge is most definitely the phrase. The pickiness is worse when he’s stressed out. I’d definitely do counselling pre baby.

Bloody hell. I’d honestly never thought about this kind of behaviour as tyranny or an imbalance of power. I’m no shrinking violet thank god, but I think my DH would be shocked and upset to think of himself like this. It is a control / fear thing for sure.

You don't need counseling. He does. He has a problem. He denies he has a problem and justifies his controlling and criticizing by explaining what he wants.
You already know what he wants. He wants to control and criticize you.

A lot of this stuff he wouldn't have to nag if it was just done? My rising 3 yr old knows to use the squeegee blade to wipe the shower dry and to wash sticky hands after he leaves the dinner table & to turn off lights. I don't have to ask him to do any of those things, i don't think your partner should need to nag an 8& 12 yr old about them

YANBU. I couldn't live like that.

Please do not say "OCD ways"
There is no such thing. It's offensive.