To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

Also I’m usually the one that makes sure they close their mouth etc, shoes off etc but on the occasion I sometimes let it slip cos I think there’s bigger things to worry about and I want to give them a break

And sitting with a cloth beside ds ready to clean his haves before he gets up 😳 it just gets too much at times

He is not OCD. He is actually very sensible (perhaps not the sink but then it depends on how bad you are). Why would you want dirty marks on the wall when you can hold the banister or wipe dirty hands on your sofa? Who wants to wear dirty shoes into the house and traipse the dirt across the clean floors? Why waste money leaving lights on and doors open just to run up bills?

I think he is perfectly reasonable and actually that is no different to how things are in my house. However, if you are not happy living like that and do not want to be with him and have a baby with him then don't be. He will probably relax a little with a baby, but there is no reason older children cannot act appropriately.

I would repost this in Relationships. Its a relationship issue, not an AIBU one.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example were you shown?

Would also suggest you read further about obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. This man is a poor choice of man. He wants you to have a baby by him so that keeps you further under his leash of control as well as being permanently tied to him.

It sounds controlling and abusive tbh. I wouldn’t have a baby and please think of the welfare of your sons.

Oh my. I’m reading this and thinking what a horrid mother I have been. I told my children to eat with their mouths closed. I have said when they were young many times, “Please chew with your mouth closed.”

My children weren’t permitted to eat and drink in the living room, it was in the kitchen or dining room or at their children’s table in the play room. I kept throws on the sofa just in case.

Just yesterday I had to ask them to close the front door as they were letting all the heat out. Why leave the door open if you’re not waking in/out. I’m always saying this each year during the months the heating is on.

I do say please, don’t / didn’t shout these things and when the kids were growing up, it was a gentle reminder of house rules and manners. (I also used to have a sign in the hall about removing shoes.)

If your DH is not doing this in a gentle reminding manner, but in a mean way, you need a serious discussion and as others suggested, try marriage counselling or even counselling yourself so you’re feeling confident in yourself to say things to him about these things as and when they happen as trying to talk about things after the fact, may not be so clear to show how DH actually is.

You knew all of this before you met him! How you can say he’s the problem I don’t know. Just leave, he’s clearly not ever going to be good enough for you.

He sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Better than XH1 who let his children run amok and then wondered why I was unenthusiastic about washing the walls, getting the sofa cleaned etc.

@AttilaTheMeerkat This man is a poor choice of man. He wants you to have a baby by him so that keeps you further under his leash of control as well as being permanently tied to him. . That seems quite a strong analysis from what the OP posted

Also I’m usually the one that makes sure they close their mouth etc, shoes off etc but on the occasion I sometimes let it slip cos I think there’s bigger things to worry about and I want to give them a break

Surely those things should be habit by now? Why do the kids need to be constantly reminded? I’m the one who turns the lights off in this house, it seems pretty normal to me. In our house the apple juice wouldn’t go anywhere near the sofa, food and drink is consumed at a table.

I'm with those who think his requests are totally reasonable and he goes about them in a calm and level headed manner.

This seems an odd thing to separate from an otherwise kind and loving partner over. Is there more going on?

This doesn't sound like a happy life. It sounds like it's constant watching for infringement of rules.

Who plans holidays / days out / financial decisions / long term life goals? Do you have any say?

None of it sounds particularly bad to me op. Even the drying the shower makes sense if you live in a hard water area as we get terrible water marks on the glass. I’m a lazy slattern myself, but wish I was more like this. If you’ve been with him six years, I’d expect most of it to have become second nature to you all by now. Shutting a door and turning off lights isn’t hard to do and doesn’t take any extra time. Eating with your mouth closed and not talking with it full is basic manners - I have an adult ‘friend’ who talks with her mouth full and sitting opposite her is totally gross.

It sounds to me as if you are just incompatible and you’re looking for an reason to split.

We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in - pretty sensible, but not something we do as we walk around the house a lot

turn lights off when not in room - why aren’t you doing this anyway?

dry shower out after each use - I have started doing this because it
really does prevent mould from forming. Since DD has been back from university we now have a nice black line of mould in the shower

not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark - that is not an unreasonable request

no shoes in house - neither is this

I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once - as long as you wipe it down afterwards it should be OK

close your lips when you eat - not unreasonable to ask this

“don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry” - again not unreasonable

I don’t think this is controlling behaviour, the things he’s asking for are just keeping the house at a higher state of cleanliness than you prefer. He’s not ‘punishing’ you for getting it wrong or getting angry if you don’t do it

I agree. TBH he does sound controlling, especially when you mention the wedding. However, why aren’t you asking your children to not mark the walls, eat with their mouths closed, take their shoes off, switch lights off and wash their sticky hands? While I am in no way as uptight as your husband, I think you have much lowers standards than he does.

I've never dried the shower in my life and won't start now. Leave it long enough and it just dries itself

It does, but unfortunately ours develops mould if I don’t wipe it down.

I don’t know if anyone’s said it but the child will be just like him. It’s already 50% genetically programmed and then he’ll add the other 50% environmentally and behaviourally. Do you want your own child getting on your tits

I think you are getting too caught up in whether his demands are reasonable or not, and missing the part where - reasonable or not - they are making you unhappy. So unhappy that you are considering leaving him. And that's not okay.

He is controlling; you don't want to be controlled. You do not want your dc to be controlled. It really is well beside the point if he is polite about it.

You two need counselling. Badly. If you want to stay married to each other, then you both need to start communicating, listening, adjusting your behaviours.

His demands may be reasonable, but they are not 'right'. Water marks can build up on the shower and get scrubbed down once a week. You can launder the sofa cushion covers or buy a throw and then launder that. You can install long life bulbs that use little energy if left on sometimes.

I don't know what your dc think about all of this. I wonder if they talk to their dad, your ex?

My brother in law is like this and it sucks the life out of me watching it when we visit. He literally cannot say a nice thing to his children, it’s just a constant barrage of instructions. They are not allowed to play/be noisy/eat snacks anywhere other than the table. It’s the same with light switches/doors closed. He just goes on and on and on and on. Even on Boxing Day he told my nephew he was being too noisy when he was airing playing with his hot wheels. I couldn’t live with it. It’s a daily grind of nagging. It puts me off even visiting them.

I think some posters are focusing on the detail of what he is saying, rather than looking at the bigger picture of him being constantly critical and the drip-drip-drip of everything being tightly controlled and micromanaged.

You have two choices here - go for marriage counselling or leave. I certainly wouldn't be having a baby with him.

There’s a huge difference between wanting to instil decent manners and behaviour and what this man is demonstrating. He sounds exactly like my DH’s mum. When he and his brother were kids she used to make them eat snacks and biscuits hanging over the kitchen sink. When she got new sofas she kept the plastic wrapper on them for years. DH and I have been married almost 30 years and I still get uncomfortable visiting the PILs as there’s a feeling of MIL “hovering” with a cloth or a dustpan to clear up any mess (and by mess we’re talking one crumb). It’s not a place where you can relax, at all. It had quite an effect on DH and he’s now the messiest person in the world.
Seriously I’d be rethinking your relationship entirely. You don’t sound compatible.

That’s the issue though, some of the ‘rules’ aren’t terrible but it’s the constant going on and on and on. For example dc dad has all of his doors open so they never have to close them there or turn light off etc.... he never bags at them and I’m worried they’ll resent being here and prefer to stay with they’d dad. That’s not DH fault but equally it’s why they need to be constantly reminded all the time. I do remind them and they do sometimes remember the ‘rules’ but even if they’re popping to get a drink, it must still be closed.

The finances too he controls. He’ll tell me we’ve spent a bit more this month so we’ll have to have no takeaways etc until I get paid. I mean if I want a takeaway I should be able to get one without a disapproving look from anyone! Could understand if it meant we couldn’t afford the mortgage but we can and we save about £700 a month.... so his argument we can’t afford it is ridiculous.

I think the top and bottom of it is we aren’t as compatible as I’d hoped.

It's not criticising the OP or her kids to expect them to respect their home, the environment and those around them.

I think the problem is how defensive and irritated the OP feels about these perfectly reasonable requests, not the requests themselves.

It's really not at all controlling to want people to turn the lights off when they're not in the room.

He sounds like my husband who also has high standards. I wouldn't call it abusive although I sometimes roll my eyes. When we got together my own child had grown up and he had never had any which, I suppose, was why he had never had to deal with sticky hands etc. before. He probably does more than his share of housework although I've never really stopped to work it out and we did decide to get a cleaner so the house had a good going over once a week. He used to be on edge with my grandchildren making a mess but, over the years, he has mellowed a bit and the children are not particularly messy now they are older - they have also been well-trained at home.

The OP's husband might also mellow when he has his own baby. I don't mean he will favour his own baby over the other children but seeing the child develop and learning to accept baby puke and dribble as inevitable will give him a more realistic attitude.

Nothing in your updates has changed my opinion.

It sounds to me like you just don’t like him / are not compatible and are looking for reasons to justify you feeling that way.

If you don’t want to be there, then leave. But I certainly don’t think this is abusive - you’ve said yourself he might get a look of frustration if he’s being ignored, but then don’t we all. Doesn’t sound to me like you’re in any way frightened of him.