To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

It sounds to me like your DH is a hard working and successful person who values the things that he has earned, e.g. the house.

All of his 'rules' make sense to me and I would be annoyed by children touching things with sticky hands or eating with their mouths open at 8 & 12. However, I can understand that a constant drip of instructions could become very irritating over time and you don't sound happy.

If you do love him then you should try counseling and then revisit the baby issue. I have to say though, your post makes it sound a bit like you're only contemplating staying as it's the easy option.

Isohungy no.my parents moaned at us too.my dad was a twit about these things 30 years later we roll our eyes and laugh.but they were great parents too.and nice people.and the moaning to do these things were the moaning of parenting.i assume this is the same way you do it.
where as the op sounds like hes quite belittling and like a drill sargeant dictator.taking control from her and doing it his way all the time.just not a nice man to be with nor treating the boys well.

Can we please stop casually throwing the term OCD around unless the OPs husband has been diagnosed with it - which he hasn’t. It’s a mental illness, and it has nothing to do with cleaning, although that it one of the many ways in which it may manifest itself. As usual on MN, prejudices against MH issues are out in force.

I’m with @PolPotNoodle et al, in that I don’t see any of his requests as particularly onerous. It’s all just common sense that if you don’t want to live in a shit pit, you don’t let it get like that in the first place. The problems come in when one of you cares and one of you doesn’t. I think it would be very different if it was a woman who wanted a spotless house and well behaved children complaining about her useless husband though.

Absolutely don’t have a baby with him. You don’t sound as if you even like him that much. Presumably though, he didn’t start acting like this on your wedding night. Why on earth did you marry someone you were so incompatible with.

You need to prioritise your own children here. The constant criticism chip chip chips at your self confidence over time. My dad was like this, fastidiously tidy and he was very critical about mess, lights being off etc, it makes for an unhappy childhood. He travelled alot for work and my favourite days were when he was overnight somewhere else as we relaxed as a result and had more fun.

Both my sister and me are very anxious people. I wish my mum had stood up to him.

They're your children, you decide how they're brought up.

I am very concerned that you dont seem to have a handrail on your stairs. You say no one must touch the walls.
I always use a handrail going up and especially down the stairs, to avoid falling - yes I fell down our stairs once, when pregnant (fortunately not badly hurt)
So this can be resolved by getting a handrail, preferably on both sides, so this then can be touched, without marking the walls.

Thanks for that PolPotNoodle, I was beginning to think I was seriously deluded or something as I thought what the OP gave as examples were fine. Of course you don't want sticky hands all over the sofa, or have to eat/sit next to someone eating with their mouth open.

They pretty much make sense to me and I do most of them. However, I wouldn't feel comfortable imposing them on 3 other people I was living with. It smacks of it being his house that the OP and her sons are guests in, rather than a shared house with the adults in charge of the children.

It doesn't sound like a loving relationship OP. So unless it can change into one, I'd be looking at ways to get out of it.

Also, my DH and I BOTH 'clean' the shower after use. That is, we use one of those window cleaner type things that we use to wipe around the tiles and screen. It takes about 30 seconds.
We never used to do this until we had a cleaner, and our 'mottled' shower screen suddenly became clear again. We had actually forgotten it was supposed to be clear.
In the same way, we both wipe around the bath after use, making it better for the next person.

Is he controlling or does he actually have OCD? I recognise some of this from my OCD (which I've had lots of help with) and the panic I feel when things were about to get contaminated is horrible. Not excusing it, but there is a chance he isnt aware it's a problem that he could get help with.

Another one who thinks not touching the sofa with sticky hands or eating with your mouth closed is just basic sense and manners.

My Husbands Mother was just like your Husband. DH is now in his 50s and still gets wound up just thinking about his childhood, everything he done was wrong, from the way he sat on the sofa to how he ate his meals. By his teenage years he was so rebelious( still his) it has impacted on his life hugely. Protect your boys and get the hell away

I think to go on about making a splash when she washes her hands is indicative of a problem. Also shoes, some people are comfortable with shoes on in the house, some are not. It should be a situation you can all live with comfortably. For example, I don’t wear shoes in the house, nothing to do with cleanliness, I just prefer barefoot whenever I can. I also wear easy slip off/on shoes. DH wears mainly runner style and wears his in the house as he is comfortable in them and it’s too much faff to put them on/off every time he wants to go out. So, we all do what we want to be comfortable in our house without constantly nagging each other. There would be nothing worse.

I don’t think this is controlling behaviour, the things he’s asking for are just keeping the house at a higher state of cleanliness than you prefer. He’s not ‘punishing’ you for getting it wrong or getting angry if you don’t do it.

I remind my husband all the time to tidy this away, don’t eat that on the sofa etc. I just have a higher standard for the house, we don’t argue about it. If someone accused me of being controlling I would be it is fine for someone to try to keep their house nice and remind others to.

B it, it doesn’t sound like you are that compatible if it makes you so unhappy. If he’s not had children he will have no idea of the devastation a 2 year old can cause to a room in 15 minutes 😂 and it does sound like he has unrealistic expectations of a baby. One of the hardest things for me about having children is getting used to living in mess that you don’t have time to clean up right that minute.

I reckon counselling is the way forward, so you can hash out the baby issue

At 8 and 12 yrs of age your kids shouldn't need reminding to eat with their mouths closed, turn off lights, close doors, keep their hands clean, shoes off indoors. BUT it does sound like some of his behaviours are over the top and maybe you two just aren't compatible... I certainly wouldn't be bringing a new baby into the equation if you're not sure there's a future in the relationship.

Apart from the sink thing everything else sounds normal. Your children arent toddlers of course they wash apple juice off their hands even my three year old knows that now. Light thing..total sence. However op these comments arent the issue...you dont feel happy and relaxed in your own house. Do you love dh. Can you see yourself living with him in five, ten, twenty years. Image you both retired your boys left home, you with him 24/7 are you happy. Ignore the baby thing for now.

His requests aren't OTT at all tbh. It depends how he reacts when someone does something. Does he calmly ask you not to or does he fly off the handle?

Is this the guy that won't move back to the town where your children go to school and expects you to commute hours a day with this baby?

I’m pretty similar to your DH in terms of turning lights off, not touching the walls with sticky hands and general manners expectations of my DS. However when DP and his DSs come over, or if I have visitors, I don’t expect the same from them - is your DH neurotic with visitors or just you guys?

Have you posted before?
He's controlling and you can't relax in your own home. You should take yourself and your children away from him, so they don't resent you for choosing him over them.

@AlexanderHalexander

I agree. Apart from the sink splashing those are rules in my house too.

But I don't think a baby is a good idea.

I grew up with most of those rules. Whilst they irritated me a bit, they never made me unhappy or feel unloved. Is he loving?

The people saying: ‘you can’t relax in your own home’ part of living with others is being considerate and tidy.

Imagine if this thread was about a man with two DC who refused to turn off the lights or keep things clean in the house or make his children eat with their mouth closed because he ‘just wanted to relax in his own home’

I could not live with a person like that. Its your home not an army barracks FGS. It must be like living with a drill sergeant- what a huge turn off.

Look up transactional analysis- he's taken on the role of parent in your relationship when he should be your equal adult. Him being parent whilst you remain in the child role will seriously affect your marriage if you dont nip this in the bud now. Successful relationships are between adults, not one in parent mode and the other reduced to child. He may also have elements of OCD because that whole "keeping things in order" and being so ridiculously rigid is pretty classic OCD. If he cannot sleep or relax knowing something is out of place then its highly likely he has it.

I disagree that this is "normal" behaivour- when you are constantly nagging and criticising people in their own home to the point where they feel attacked, it becomes a real issue and its not simply about keeping your house clean. Constant criticism will wear people down, it can ruin marriages and in the end, someone will get to breaking point and snap and say something they deeply regret. Also- where's the love and kindness? if you love someone you dont constantly make them feel bad about everything- where is the positivity to balance it out?

Dont have a baby with him- I would seriously think about your future with this man and if you can deal with this for the rest of your life. I dont think I could.

it sounds as though his prissiness and need for control are driving you mad. He may be a nice man, but he needs to be with someone who places a similar value on everything being pristine and spotless with not a thing out of place and lots of rules about everything. There are plenty of ‘em about, judging by some responses on this thread. My next neighbours are a couple like this - their mission in life is to make sure no birds ever visit their garden in case they poo in it. They may be perfectly happy, but they certainly don’t strike me as a barrel of laughs.

Try counselling. Do not have a baby with him, and be clear about why.

I couldn't live like this, OCD is thrown around far too casually and a mask for controlling behaviour. Get your boys away before they are teenagers or there is likely to be a lot of conflict.

OCD= compulsions and intrusive thoughts. People really need to educate themselves before throwing OCD about willy-nilly. I don't think your DH has OCD.

However, he does sound like he has OCPD (or traits of it): characterised by extreme perfectionism, neatness and order, having to impose this on their outside environment; being frugal with money; hardworking yet obsessed with perfectionism etc. People with this personality disorder tend not seek a diagnosis because they believe their way is the correct way and it is everyone else that is at fault/doing it incorrectly. Have a look into OCPD and see if he fits the criteria. I would definitely seek counselling together so that you can raise your concerns in a safe space. Good luck.

www.healthline.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder