To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

I've never dried the shower in my life and won't start now. Leave it long enough and it just dries itself. Telling you off for splashing the sink when washing your hands is just plain weird and I would probably have told him to bugger off the first time with that one. If DH said it to me I would rip the piss out of him, and vice versa.

The turning off of lights and eating with your mouth closed are fine though, and I have no issues with those. Nor with trying to keep sticky fingers off the sofa

Couples counselling before deciding whether or not to try for a baby might help. Some of his nit picking is OTT, and he almost certainly has no concept of the chaos that comes with new babies.

I agree with @PolPotNoodle and @Butchyrestingface.

I think there’s a delicate balance with stepchildren in terms of how much to parent and how much to stay out of it. I’m not sure what discussions you’ve had in this regard but I don’t think his requests are out of order in and of themselves. You’ve said he’s nice about it, doesn’t shout or lose his temper etc... so I think all the cries of abuse are a bit much (unless there’s more you’ve not said). He’s just trying to teach them how to take responsibility for things in a shared house and have some manners. I suspect their future wives will not be posting on MN about how their lazy husbands do no housework and just make a mess and expect it to be picked up. How many times have we read posts wondering how these lazy man children are raised ?

It sounds to me like you don’t love him and are staying for the wrong reasons - he owns a business, you have nothing else in terms of where to go etc..,

Is it that you just don’t want another baby (which is completely fine by the way) or that you just don’t want another one with him ?

If he wants a child you need to be honest and give him the choice as to whether it is so important to him that you both need to move on so he can find someone who does want children.

I’d also second counselling as it may be some compromise is needed but you both need to hear each other. It shouldn’t be all one way in the house.

I would find a few friends / cousins / friends of friends with 1 and 2 year olds and have them around on a weekend. Make sure he is there. This will give you a very good idea of whether he can cope or not. Then it will be easy to say If we had a baby it would be a bit like that All. The. Time. For. Years. You can’t do that. If you really want a baby we need counselling to talk through how it would really work.

Oh and feed them spaghetti bolognese. Just about every parent feeds their children spaghetti bolognese so it’s something that needs to be ok.

Do you want another baby? Not just with him but in general? It sounds like your two are more independent and personally I would find it hard to go back into the baby trenches at that point.

If you don't and he does you do need to be clear with him about that so you as a couple can decide what that means for your relationship.

How's your relationship in general? Is it generally positive apart from DPs particular housekeeping? Again an honest chat and even counseling sounds good. Especially if you are open to having a child.

I'm not a neat freak but did have a long term partner who was very neat. In some ways he was a fun sponge but I did try my best but really didn't worry overly about it. Perhaps it is why we are no longer together! DH and I just laugh now at the general tip our house has become.

Definitely marriage counselling. I have to say though, my parents were big on keeping the house clean, no feet on the furniture, good table manners etc and we were told to do all of the things you've listed and I don't feel at all like I was mistreated! I definitely would've been politely told off if I'd put my apple juice covered hands all over the sofa!! That said, my one year manages not to do it so not sure an 8 year old should really even need telling.

For goodness sakes, don't have a baby!! You have two kiddos already, you know they don't make anyone's relationship better!

He has major issues which he is manipulating you into thinking it's best for you and the DC to have manners, nice home etc.
Hes creating Anxiety in those boys and it will probably come out later when they are teens and realise they cant stand him. He needs to sort out these issues for the family he already has.

It's like a slow steady drip drip drip isnt it livable but irritating

Ultimately it doesn't sound like you can have a baby with this man he just wouldn't be able to cope

It sounds like you’re married to my dad (hope you’re not planning another baby mum )
In seriousness my dad was/is exactly like this: don’t touch the walls, don’t drip wet hands on the floor, don’t have food in the living room, don’t do this, don’t do that.
But he was, and is, a fantastic dad to me. I have a brilliant relationship with him and fondly remember all the amazing things he did with my DB and me.
However, I am the kind of person that can roll my eyes at my dad and put his quirks to the side and get on with them for an easy life. My DB isn’t and now has a poor relationship with my Dad.
And obviously I can’t remember what he was like when I was crying and puking all the time as a baby but he was surprisingly all right when I vomited everywhere on my 18th birthday
It doesn’t sound like it’s right for you to have a baby with your husband as you’re not happy. There are people that would be able to put up with your DH and I guess you’re not one of them. Leave the man and find someone who makes you happy and he can do likewise.

Blimey, my husband must hate me, I tell my kids most of these things all the time! My mum always dries the shower after each use because it stops it getting mouldy. None of it is that weird to me.

I'd be more interested in his reaction if these things aren't done. But ultimately if you're not happy with him because of it talk it through or end it. I don't think having your own company is a reason to stay with someone

We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once

Well, OCD or not, I’d just look at him like he was batshit, tell him to fuck off and go about my business as I wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. No idea why you subject your kids to this?

I say this as a parent of a young adult with OCD. When they get to the stage where it’s impacting the rest of us then it’s back to the psychologist for them - that’s their choice, make an effort to get yourself sorted so we can all live in harmony or move out. They will never be ‘cured’ but they need to make the effort to get assistance to manage it so it doesn’t impact on those around them too badly.

None of that is weird to me! He doesn’t want to live in a tip!
Do you want your children to grow up with no manners? If he still needs to remind them of the apple juice thing and to eat with a closed mouth, at the age of 8 and 12,makes me think you haven’t really reinforced those rules before. They should know by now!

We have most of these rules in our house and we both did growing up as well. The problem seems to be that you have different rules to each other. If you have any doubts about your future relationship, don't have a baby with him.

He sounds a lot like my mother. I had terrible anxiety, was permanently depressed and didn’t know what unconditional love looked like until I was in my 30’s. Every time he’s complaining about something, he’s missing an opportunity to show love to others. Are your boys really ok? I’d be worried about them.

I am forever telling my DCs not to touch the walls as they go downstairs. If they listened, I wouldn’t have huge greasy marks on the walls. The only batshit bit is drying the shower, but when I lived with French people they nagged me to do that, so there are people in the world who find that normal, too.
The issue is more that he does not seem able to respect you as an adult and compromise on how things are done. Not OCD, necessarily, but too controlling. If you’re not comfortable with his ways, don’t have a child with him.

Ah its like this in our house but in equal measure for DH and I.

Now worried we are scarring the kids for life wanting a nice home and good manners 🤔

Agree with PP's saying he's not entirely unreasonable. You do just have different standards of living.

If someone touched my sofa with apple juice hands I'd be well miffed.

I wonder where op has gone

The thing is OP, his standards may seem reasonable to some posters (I’m more like you btw) but it sounds to me as if you just don’t love him any more? The way you describe him is quite contemptuous. I think when you’ve got to that point it’s hard to get back from it - although maybe not impossible with marriage counselling etc.

That’s how you decide whether to stay with him and have a baby. Do you love him? Are you happy?

Combyourhairnow - you make it clear in your opening post that you are only really staying with him because you do not want to uproot your children. You really shouldn’t need to ask whether or not you need to bloody well hurry up and talk to him. You’ve strung him along for 6 years already. Let the poor bastard know you do not want kids with him and even without kids find him difficult to live with, so that he can try to find someone else to have kids with if that’s what he wants. You clearly don’t have any colossal love for him.

Your DH sounds like my Dad 30 years ago. His ideals weren't wrong ( eg travelling by bike rather than car for climate change, keeping things nice by having certain ways to clean the shower) but just extreme in the way he lived by them and expected others too. It was a childhood treading on eggshells. He had other mental health issues going on so as not to drip feed.

He once woke me up at 2am shouting that I hadn't followed the 'system' for drying the shower ( squeegy, microfiber cloth). That behaviour crosses the line.

I can see how my adult self has some issues stemming from this ( I'm messy, too passive and lack self control, I think as a rebellion) although interestingly I do insist we use a squeegu in our shower!

Definitely for have a baby with him!

Re, the wedding, did you just go along with it for an easy life or did he actually take over?

Is he caring and does he value your boys as individuals and accept that we all have different personalities and what works for one, doesn't for another?

That's what I find is the most damaging thing when it comes to controlling people having children. They squash any individuality and autonomy, which causes a lack of self esteem and anxiety.

13 isn't a great age for a Sibling to be born to a Stepparent. Even if your DH relaxes towards the baby, he won't towards your children and teens can be messier than toddlers. There's going to be clashes or resentment.

Is it a good high school that your teen will be going to? Is his friendship circle nice and are they going to the same school?

Could you wait until your children are 14/15 and 10/11, so you know what's happening school wise?

Er, this is NOT OCD!

All those who think he's on the right track have missed one really interesting point..... he wanted total control of the wedding plans!!

This is not someone who is made anxious and distress by germs, or marks, this is someone who wants his way, or it's the highway.

Yes, immediately thought of Sleeping With The Enemy... complete nightmare. I left the person like this. Had already planned how everything was going to be if we had babies, could not imagine any mess, said "well we'll make sure there just isn't any". Constantly on edge.

I missed the sports car, and the restaurants, but I could bloody breathe!

Also, how bad is his 'not wanting to spend too much'?

I think it’s unfair to say he’s treating your boys badly. He’s obviously a difficult character but there’s no malicious intent and everyone has to learn to live with peoples funny ways to some extent. All our parents will have done things we thought odd.

But I agree, don’t have a baby unless you want one.