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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 02/01/2020 15:32

I think you should try to stay more neutral, given that you're not the one in the marriage.

MrsBrentford · 02/01/2020 15:34

Not uncommon though? Excitement of the wedding masking the fact that the relationship has run dry.

Exact same thing happened to me.

PaquitaVariation · 02/01/2020 15:34

A more terrible mistake would be to carry on and bring children into this. It’s not likely that she’s going to change how she feels. It doesn’t sound like it’s a whim.

stargirl1701 · 02/01/2020 15:34

I think if no DC, then support her to make the choice she thinks is the right one.

EC22 · 02/01/2020 15:35

You have said your piece, not support her in her decision before they have children and it gets very messy.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 02/01/2020 15:35

I think since she doesn’t have kids she should do whatsoever she wants.
If she did have kids then I would agree with you, she just sounds a bit immature and bored tbh.
I think you should keep neutral. She may well find that she just has grass is greener syndrome and will end up back with him when the excitement of single life wears off.

EC22 · 02/01/2020 15:36

Now not not

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 15:36

Crumbs.

It's her marriage and it has to be her decision whether or not to end it.

I was very fond of my son-in-law but supported my DD when she wanted to divorce him.

Surely it is better that they divorce now, before there are children to worry about?

I think YABU.

user1471449295 · 02/01/2020 15:37

You need to support your daughter. That’s what she came to you for. At the end of the day you don’t know the ins and outs of their marriage. Other family members devastation, and the fact you celebrate occasions together are insignificant points.

Grumpos · 02/01/2020 15:38

She’s said she doesn’t love him and if she met him as the woman she is today, wouldn’t have chosen him.

Those are 2 very serious and clear statements.

She’s not the first and not the last person to realise they settled and compromised too early in their relationship. Better she realise it now before she wakes up 40 with 3 kids regretting her life.

If you can’t support her then stay out of it, giving her advice to “work on” loving someone is daft. When it’s done it’s done.

I’d have been devastated if my parents refused to support me when my marriage ended.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/01/2020 15:39

And remember, it doesn't matter how close you are to his parents, how lovely you think he is etc. All of that is added emotional pressure on your DD.

Tell her plainly that you will support her, no matter what she chooses to do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2020 15:39

hmmm it's a difficult one- I would probably take the stance if it were my daughter of it's best to get out now before kids are involved or you waste more years. Given they got together so young it's quite probable she's feeling different now.

Ratbagcatbag · 02/01/2020 15:39

Whatever your feelings towards your SIL your support should be towards your DD surely.

Staying in a marriage when it feels like that is dreadful, it gets worse and then they will probably end up bringing children into it etc. Which makes it even harder to then separate.

If she's unhappy she should leave. I changed beyond recognition between 18 and 27 and the life I thought I wanted then is very different to what I wanted at 27.

I think you should have kept your opinion to yourself on this one and just been neutral.

Bluebutterfly90 · 02/01/2020 15:39

I mean, not loving someone any more is a pretty big reason to not want to be married to them.

I don't believe people should stay in unhappy marriages just because they're not being abused or cheated on.
Yanbu to suggest she try and work on her marriage, but she isn't being unreasonable if she has decided that she can't or won't continue with it.

Tableclothing · 02/01/2020 15:40

She's been with him 9 years? It's not like she doesn't know him. Maybe she was unhappy before but thought things would be different after they got married, but of course they aren't...

It may be that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you every last detail of what isn't working in the marriage, which is why you're hearing the reason as being SIL being forgetful and a bit messy. There could be more to it. Or it could be that he promised he would change and he hasn't bothered - now your DD has had enough of being expected to mother a grown man, in which case credit to her for working it out before bringing children in to the situation and while she still has lots of time to find someone else (if finding a partner to have children with is what she wants).

If your SIL is so desperate to make it work he will learn to pick up after himself. It doesn't sound like your DD is actually asking for very much.

The only other thing is that it might be worth looking at marriage counseling if there's communication difficulties. However, counseling is more to help them communicate and work out what they really want - it doesn't have the express goal of keeping them together necessarily.

Marriedtoapenguin · 02/01/2020 15:40

Marriage shouldn't be ended on a whim? Wrong site for that belief.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/01/2020 15:40

YABU, I love the way you just brush off him expecting her to do all the shit "wife work" as him being a typical man though, very progressive

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 02/01/2020 15:41

It's none of your business.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2020 15:41

Is not loving someone a “whim”?

QueenofPain · 02/01/2020 15:41

Why is it just DD’s job to work at the marriage? Why does SIL get a free pass to be a “typical man”? On his part it sounds like shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

DD only gets one life, maybe she wants more out of it, maybe she wants to see the world or date other people or move elsewhere, there is so much out there that she hasn’t experienced, like she’s said, having met him so young, she has legitimately missed out by being in a committed relationship all that time.

Be her mum and support her, talk it through some more at least. By being a safe place for her to talk she might eventually realise herself that she wants to make things work.

NearlyGranny · 02/01/2020 15:43

The fact that you think he's great is no reason for your DD to stay married to him. And telling her there's worse men than him is even more dire!

She thinks she made a mistake and she may be right. Why not ask her to talk it through with you and just listen without judging or telling her what she ought to think or feel or do?

Make sure she knows you love her whatever she decides and keep your pity for DSiL under your hat for now.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 15:43

Perhaps your DD has higher standards than you think, OP.

Perhaps she isn't prepared to put up with him "just being a man", which really means not pulling his weight around the house, by the sound of it.

missyB1 · 02/01/2020 15:43

She asked for your opinion and you gave it, hard cheese if she didn't like it.. She's an adult and she has to accept not everyone will agree with what she's doing.
She should also accept responsibility for the fact that she probably knew deep down that the relationship was stale, but she got married anyway for the excitement of the big day.
I fee sorry for him, sounds like she led him a bit of a merry dance.

Anyway if she's not prepared to try there's nowt you can do, so step back and let her get on with it now. She made the mess let her clean it up by herself.

Original poster
CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:44

@Tableclothing good suggestion with regards to marriage counselling, thank you. I will definitely suggest it to DD.

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 02/01/2020 15:44

if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage
How sad that you don't want more than a non violent husband for your daughter, and sadder that you have told her how you feel.

So now she has to make a huge scary life changing decision to be happy, knowing her own mother doesn't support her.

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