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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/01/2020 16:35

I know way way too many couples who are utterly miserable. That find day to day life exhausting. Whose lives are riddled with bickering and general unpleasantness..
But they stay.
They work at it.
Because they're married.

So they're both miserable? What a fucked up way to live.

Purpleartichoke · 02/01/2020 16:36

You aren’t there for the day to day. You don’t really know what her life is like.

They don’t have children. This is the time to get out if she is having doubts.

Actionhasmagic · 02/01/2020 16:36

She will be happier with someone new - We often grow apart from childhood relationships. She’s right and the heart never lies

Strongerin2020 · 02/01/2020 16:37

YABU.

You don't have to live her life.

If she has come to this conclusion then she is obviously unhappy.

Why would you try and keep your daughter in an unhappy marriage?

speakout · 02/01/2020 16:38

I'd be supporting her in her own decisions.

Married or not it wouldn't make any difference to me. She is unhappy and wants to change her life.

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. - that's not important.

Be careful that you are not putting your desires to see a happy ever after type scenario above your DDs happiness.

Dissolving a marriage can be easy and painless- maybe nort for you though.

I divorced- it was a quicke, by post, took just a few months, no lawyers, we came to agreements over property and money, put the house up for sale and split everything 50/50.

Easy peasy.

I threw a party the day my divorce was finalised.

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 16:39

So they're both miserable? What a fucked up way to live

Totally agree!
But a generation where (I'm assuming like the OP), divorce is a major no no. Frowned upon. Judged. A generation where you were told to work at your marriage regardless.

CanIHaveADrink · 02/01/2020 16:40

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad.

I did that. It didn’t do me any good at all tbh.

Babybel90 · 02/01/2020 16:42

Ugh just imagine your own mother advising you to stay married to, live in the same house with and have sex with someone you don’t love.

speakout · 02/01/2020 16:42

What a terrible life to stay in a relationship that was making you unhappy just because you were married.

Beyond grim.

Original poster
CSalts · 02/01/2020 16:43

I don’t think I’m a bad parent. All I want and have ever wanted is for DD to be happy, she is my priority. My concern is whether ending her long term relationship and marriage is really the answer. Often you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special. She is risking throwing it all away for excitement or a fairytale life which in reality doesn’t exist. I don’t think anyone can honestly say they are happy in their marriage 100% of the time.

OP posts:
DDIJ · 02/01/2020 16:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

CmdrCressidaDuck · 02/01/2020 16:45

DM, is that you?

(Not really - I'm happily married to a DH who absolutely does pull his weight - but thanks for demonstrating why I don't go to her for advice, don't confide in her, and keep our relationship superficial.)

Would you rather your DD and DSIL were having this conversation in ten years, with two kids in the picture, a large mortgage, and a great deal more acrimony? If she already feels she is carrying the mental load and they've grown away from each other, those cracks will widen into huge gaping chasms of misery, resentment and frustration when kids arrive. It is to her credit that she's been brave and honest enough to call time now, even if it had been better if she did it before the wedding.

You, on the other hand? You blew it. You put your own social convenience and fear of change and discomfort above your daughter's wellbeing. You guilt-tripped her, you put your SiL on a pedestal, you told her her feelings don't matter. I doubt she will ever forget how you let her down.

I believe that marriage is a serious commitment and people should be prepared to treat it as such. And if the two of them were ten years down the line with two kids, and had been very much in love beforehand, then I would encourage the DD, as her friend, to make sure they'd explored every option. But you can't work at a marriage by yourself. And there's only one thing to be done with a marriage that's simply bad, especially with no kids: put it down.

She made a mistake; she isn't the first and she won't be the last. I have friends who made the same mistake; all of them are now much happier with kids in a second marriage, having been able to end things straightforwardly and find someone with whom they were much more fundamentally suited. Staying in their original marriage out of some misplaced sense of duty would just have meant misery for everybody. And hey, once your SIL is divorced, since he's so great you can marry him yourself.

GuyFawkesDay · 02/01/2020 16:46

I love it when parents do this. Raise independent women to think for themselves and live according to their principles.....then get cross when their kids are exactly that.

My dad did this once, he got a stern telling that as he raised me to be independent and think, I was probably going to have a different opinion to him on things and not just nod at his every word.

I'd suggest as there's no kids here that you stay neutral. Suggest counselling do that they can work this through, whatever the outcome.

KTheGrey · 02/01/2020 16:49

She asked your opinion. I expect she knows you quite well by now, so your opinion on marriage really shouldn't have been a huge shock to her.

Maybe she's not a marrying kind of woman; it does appear she realised she wanted out after the knot was tied. I think you did the right thing - she asked what you thought so you told her. Why does that mean you wouldn't support her if she has to get out of her marriage? That's a whole different conversation.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/01/2020 16:49

But a generation where (I'm assuming like the OP), divorce is a major no no. Frowned upon. Judged. A generation where you were told to work at your marriage regardless.

How old are you - 130?

I am significantly older than the OP's daughter and divorce was very common among their generation (baby boomers). Don't use age to justify judgemental shite.

If she's sure OP she needs to get out before children. I know several people this exact scenario happened to.

PositiveVibez · 02/01/2020 16:50

met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house)

So reading between the lines, he sounds like a lazy manchild.

Is that really what you want for your daughter because you have great family get togethers!!

CmdrCressidaDuck · 02/01/2020 16:51

My concern is whether ending her long term relationship and marriage is really the answer. Often you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

Seriously?

She doesn't love him any more. She told you so. The fact that you think he's just darling and they have a really nice kitchen or whatever doesn't make their marriage "really special". It's absurd to describe a relationship where you don't love your spouse and resent them for not pulling their weight as something very special!

You are being far too swayed by the superficial and by your own convenience. The hard truth is that you don't want it to be awkward with your SIL's family or feel your daughter carries the "stigma of divorce" or whatever it is you're actually reacting to. But it is not your superior insight into your daughter's happiness (over hers !)

JorisBonson · 02/01/2020 16:52

You keep harping on about the family. Should she stay in an unhappy marriage just to please the family?

MegaClutterSlut · 02/01/2020 16:52

Yabu you have your priorities all wrong. All you seem bothered about are the inlaws. Put your dd first. She is unhappy in her marriage and doesn't love him anymore so respect that and be supportive

RollingOutOfBed · 02/01/2020 16:53

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

It sounds far from special to me, just another lazy entitled manchild. There's no shortage of those around.

Also what seems special to you may be far from the reality. You don't live with him so you don't see the full picture. Only the two people in the marriage really know what it's like.

messolini9 · 02/01/2020 16:54

if there has been no infidelity or abuse is a REALLY low bar to set for telling someone they should stay in a marriage which makes them unhappy.

DD did not marry her SiL, & that relationship will continue or not outside of the marriage as both women see fit. Using SiL as a reason to stay is a red herring: neither SiL nor OP are married to this man - it's up to DD, not them.

TirisfalPumpkin · 02/01/2020 16:54

It’s in the OP - DD has tried already, this has been a while coming, and she doesn’t love him any more. She is telling you that the relationship ended some time ago and she now needs support in exiting the marriage.

I divorced in my 20s. There’s a lot of stigma - young divorced women get treated like flighty wedding-obsessed idiots who make major life decisions on a whim. I think she’ll need you in her corner, or at least not in her way.

SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2020 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DareDevil223 · 02/01/2020 16:55

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special. She is risking throwing it all away for excitement or a fairytale life which in reality doesn’t exist. I don’t think anyone can honestly say they are happy in their marriage 100% of the time.

Bollocks to that. Your DD is the one living in this marriage and it's obviously not working for her. Why don't you want to support your own daughter? My mum supported my divorce even though she was a Catholic and really liked my ex-h because she was MY mother and MY happiness was her priority not 'what the neighbours might think'.

You are coming across as a pretty shitty parent.

Lweji · 02/01/2020 16:55

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

Except she doesn't. And she's the one in the marriage.
Let's just say that exH's family didn't even remotely realise what our marriage was like.
You know he's "forgetful and messy around the house". Can't you put yourself in her shoes and imagine what's to live with a manchild? Or are you happy mothering one and think your DD should too?