To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

I think it's fair to check she's very comfortable in her decision before splitting up. Did you tell her you'll support her whatever she decides? I hope so. Suggesting counselling and using that to make a decision is a good idea.

Marriages are hard work and you only get out what you put in. It is unreasonable to expect it to wonderful all the time
People do move on far too easily ...same shit different location...i would support her bit only afyer offering advice that they should be seeking counselling

If there are no kids, it's really just a matter of divvying up the CDs isn't it?

I’m 27 OP and married less than 2 years.
I would 100% expect my DM to tell me to get a grip if I decided to divorce my DH because I was essentially bored and not feeling the buzz anymore.

It would be a totally different matter if there was any emotional/physical abuse or if DH was behaving unreasonably... but failing that marriage is a serious commitment not to be entered and certainly not to be thrown away, lightly.

There is a definite comedown after a wedding, we and most of our friends went through it too. Everything has been building to this huge exciting day and suddenly it’s over and it’s just you and DH sat in the living room discussing the weekly food shop 👍🏻
But you don’t divorce over it!

Your DD and I unfortunately belong to a throwaway generation where ‘fixing’, ‘building’ and ‘committing’ to things are far less valued that ‘Life’s too short’ or ‘YOLO’.

I would be strongly urging her to work on her marriage (if she were a friend of mine) but If she doesn’t want to be in the relationship and has lost interest I can’t imagine she’ll make any effort and it won’t work.

Make sure it's definitely what she wants..

But it's pointless staying or working on a marriage when you are miserable.. just because you're married.

I think you must support your DD.
If you don't support your DD then I think the most probable outcome is that she will "divorce" you as well (in a manner of speaking).
I have a family friend, my mum's best friend, who has always been very close to her son (single mum, only child). Late twenties to early thirties he was in a LTR with a girlfriend who the mum really liked and got close to. But then he broke up with her after about five years... the gf was devastated and kept meeting up with his mum to cry on her shoulder (!) the son, understandably, stopped confiding in his mum and started seeing her less often for a while. That made her heartbroken...but she should have left well alone. The ex should have confided in her own mum, and the mum should have supported her son.
The only reason I'm telling the story is because you might really regret your daughter becoming less close to you

SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end.

I hope you didn't voice this to your DD. It would be truly awful if she felt pressured to stay married to a man she doesn't love in order to spare the feelings of others. The harsh reality is that this really isn't about you, or your SIL's family. There are only two people in a marriage and one of them, your DD, has very clearly told you that she's unhappy and wants out.

The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house).

I actually think she is a very reasonable reason to end the relationship and not have children with this man. As it will make everything 1000 times worse, you only have to read Mumsnet to see how lazy some fathers are and how it wears down the mother mentally.

If she is sure I think she is at a good age to end it as she will be able to find someone else to settle down with. I know a few people who got married, knew it wasn’t right and are now happily with someone else.

She does need to think it through as like you say, married is a serious commitment but I wouldn’t write off her reasons.

Support your daughter and thank your lucky stars no children are involved.

@LochJessMonster absolutely.

OP your dd wants support not a lecture on the sanctity of marriage. Your dd will never forget that you put your sil feelings over hers. Don't be the mum that prioritises social niceties over your dd's future happiness.

if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage

Why does the bar have to be set so depressingly low? So it doesn't matter how unhappy you are, if a man doesn't beat you and fuck other women then you should consider yourself lucky. She doesn't love him! Isn't that a good enough reason to end the marriage??

Some of the comments being made about the DD - self-absorbed, leading him a merry dance, needs to sort out her mess. Jesus fucking Christ.

She is married to a man she doesn't love, a situation which is fair on neither if them and which will turn to bitter resentment if left to linger on. There is a world of difference between 18 and 27, I know I wasn't the same person at 27 that I was at 18 and that I wanted entirely different things to what 18 year old me wanted.

Why is the weight of responsibility to work on the marriage being put on your daughter? The son in law sounds lazy and like he is over reliant on her to organise their lives, he's messy and forgetful and she has to carry the mental load. It sounds exhausting. I agree with a PP that if she has reached the point of talking about it then her mind is more or less made up.

Regardless of how much you like your on in law and his family, your loyalties are with your daughter. She came to your for help and you basically patted her on the head and said "so what if you're miserable, at least he doesnt beat you". That's fairly shitty mothering right there.

It's far better for your daughter to leave her marriage and be single than waste the best years of her life (and his) with a man she doesn't love and who cannot make her happy.

So she's a young woman (just 27), doesn't even have kids yet, and is living with a man whom she: a) doesn't love, b) wouldn't choose if she'd meet him now.

AND you advised her to sacrifice her whole life living with him (the man she doesn't have any feelings for), just because: a) you like him, b) he doesn't beat her, c) doesn't shag other women.

Talk about low standards...

Sure, you're entitled to have an opinion AND to give it to her. Keep it up though, and you'll lose not only your son in law, but your daughter too.

Divorce is absolutely no big deal. 2020 now, she doesn't have to stay shackled to the man she doesn't love. Life's too short for that and plenty of other men about.

Maybe your daughter has only stayed in this relationship for so long because she knows you would disapprove of her leaving? I think you need to really listen to her, she has articulated her feelings clearly and is actually being incredibly pragmatic. Much better for this to happen now than when children are involved. I'd be gutted if my Mum wasn't in my side if I told her something as important as this.

It sounds like she has good reasons for ending it to me.

But @WorldsOnFire why do you feel you have to work at a relationship you’re not happy in? The ops daughter clearly find the negatives outweigh the benefits in the relationship. She’s not saying she bored because there’s no longer the wedding to look forward to, she’s unhappy because the man is not pulling his weight in the relationship. It’s not her job to gently encourage him to be an equal partner in this, he should do it automatically

Your daughter is unhappy but you can only seem to focus on your son in laws feelings and that of the wider family. Why is that? Why are her needs and wants at the bottom of your list?

Your post made it sound like you’d be upset as you wouldn’t have him and his family around anymore rather than concern for your daughters feelings.
Yabu

If agree with you if they had kids still growing up but she's 27 and while I'm sure it eoukd be upsetting for everyone involved including families, there's still plenty of time to meet someone more well suited to each other. I don't think ywbu to give yiur opinion but it wouldn't be what I eoukd advise.

You are really minimising her concerns- he might not be a "typical man" (urghhh) but actually, more like thoughtless and selfish. Why not just listen to her?

I can see the OP's point actually, I know a couple of marriages that ended quite quickly and the spouses that were left behind were absolutely devastated. If your DD has not mentioned any doubts previously then yes, it is going to come as a shock just 18 months after the wedding and I would be wondering what is going on.

Definitely think some marriage counselling would be a good idea, if she is receptive to that idea.

Please don't make your feelings about it more important than hers.

My mother told me to stay with my abusive ex; that my expectations were too high.

Honestly it was more devastating to me than the end of the marriage. She still defends him, has made some serious errors of judgment in the last couple of years.

Has she apologised? Not a chance.

I don't respect her any more. I don't like her.

Yes I'm projecting but I want this to come across strongly, you run the risk of destroying the relationship with your daughter if you don't respect and listen

I have a teenage DD and I do listen, I am teaching her to value her opinion, weighing up pro's and con's.

Be careful. I know you're upset but it's her life. I wish you the very best x