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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 19:40

You seem to be suggesting it’s something to aim for.

Length of marriage doesn’t translate to personal worth. It’s a shame so many people see it as their finest achievement.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 19:41

You can't explain to some people that they need to go through the journey, tough times aswell as good. Some people are just too flippant

They don’t need to. It’s a choice.

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 19:47

Length of marriage doesn’t translate to personal worth. It’s a shame so many people see it as their finest achievement

I’ve never met anyone who sees it as their finest achievement. I do come from a family in which six couples celebrated diamond weddings and one of those made 70 years. Seeing my parents’ devotion after 64 years of marriage brought tears to my eyes. That colours my view of marriage. They set me a good example.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 19:55

They set me a good example

They set you an example. You are again conflating length of marriage with success.

Bluebutterfly90 · 04/01/2020 20:00

@Alsohuman

Seeing my parents get divorced because they were absolutely terrible for each other set me a good example too. It's all in how you see things.
I think a divorce is much better than decades with someone you merely tolerate.

PanicAndRun · 04/01/2020 20:01

and keeping the faith that they’re temporary

Except sometimes they're not and you waste 20 years waiting for that change to come.

highupoverthere · 04/01/2020 20:09

Does he have undiagnosed ADHD? Serious question.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/01/2020 20:21

You can't explain to some people that they need to go through the journey, tough times aswell as good. Some people are just too flippant

It's a 9 year relationship. It's nit like they met and married within a couple of months. They have been together a long time. If there's no love left - then it's time to split.

Lweji · 04/01/2020 20:25

Does he have undiagnosed ADHD?

How would the OP know if it was undiagnosed?

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2020 20:25

Yes the marriage is a red herring. If this was a 9 year relationship DD was ending without marriage no-one would be questioning it.

She hasn’t given up on marriage after a short time, she’s given up on a relationship after a long time.

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 20:27

They set you an example. You are again conflating length of marriage with success

No I’m not, not even once, let alone again. The example they set me was that marriage is a team where the members have one anothers’ backs and work through tough times together. Where you don’t throw in the towel at the first bump in the road - I love a mixed metaphor. Anyway, marriage to a lot of people is pretty meaningless, to the point where I wonder why they bother.

Lweji · 04/01/2020 20:30

But what is this work? What exactly is this "working on the relationship" which is so often promoted to women in unhappy marriages?

It's something that works well when both are making an effort. It's bullshit if only one has to "work at it".

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 20:32

I’m seriously grateful I didn’t have your parents Grin

The example mine set me was to know my own mind. And do what is right for me, not what everyone thinks is right, and don’t assume their way is the right way.

I see a successful marriage as one that all parties get what they want from it. When that isn’t happening, if they can extricate themselves with love and friendship, that’s still a successful marriage.

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 20:34

I’m seriously grateful I didn’t have your parents

Believe me, so am I.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 20:37

Believe me, so am I

Yeah imagine your shame at dealing with a divorcee Wink

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 20:39

I’m divorced too. Because I was married to someone who thought marriage was a hobby. He’s currently on his fourth wife.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 20:41

I’m divorced too. Because I was married to someone who thought marriage was a hobby. He’s currently on his fourth wife

So you didn’t work hard enough....? Stick through his ups and downs.

Gotcha

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 20:42

Bit difficult when they go to live with someone else, wouldn’t you say?

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 20:43

If you say so.

I’m just rather amused at your successful marriage advice you posted earlier Grin.

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 20:45

This one has lasted 22 years so far. And it wasn’t advice it was an opinion. Have a nice evening.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 20:49

This one has lasted 22 years so far

So length = success again Grin

Do be consistent

Peterspotter · 04/01/2020 20:56

I get where OP is coming from and thinks she’s had a bit of a hard time.

My dd (24)is very articulate and knows how to express herself but can also be very impulsive and not think consequences through.

This isn’t the same as a relationship up thread where some ones husband hit them over the head with a hammer. The OP dd is bored.

I’d have probably thought the same of dd came to me and said this.

OP if your still here - tell your daughter you will support her but suggest she gives it another six months. Six months is nothing. If they split quick it will start a whole pile of shit She may not be ready for.

This time will allow her to look at her finances

Look at where she can move in to because it’s not fair if he has to leave.

Look at what will happen in divorce

Look at what will happen with the properties

It’s so so easy for faceless posters to egg on people to leave relationships when they hit a bad patch because they don’t have to deal with the emotional and financial fall out.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/01/2020 21:27

I agree with a PP who remarked that the marriage proposal was a salve to keep the relationship together. To keep his partner, 'on side.'

The divorce and subsequent division of property could be.....interesting.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/01/2020 21:32

I would seriously resent someone who tried to convince me to stay in an unhappy marriage. Support your child and don't get involved. It's her life and her decision.

paranoidmum2 · 05/01/2020 01:44

@Alsohuman

OP didn’t as much as imply that a third party was involved but my intuition tells me there is.

You can't have 'intuition' about one post regarding people you've never met, you're a random on an internet forum!