Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
CanIHaveADrink · 02/01/2020 16:08

I’m appalled at your standards regarding men tbh.
So if your SIL doesn’t cheat or isn’t abusive, she should put up with it?!? And he is just being a man so it’s ok if she carries lol the mental load etc.... ?!?

Honestly, just having fallen out of love is enough of a reason for her to leave her DH. If
Yes a relationship requires work. But it requires work on BOTH sides (so him carrying half of the metal load could be a good start!) and it doesn’t mean to put up with anything for the sake of it. It seems that you are keen on your SIL, like his family so want your dd to put up with it for your own sake rather than what is right for her.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2020 16:08

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end

No reason to persist with an unhappy marriage.

DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore

A very good reason why she is looking for outside opinions and considering ending the marriage - if she is right then there may be no future.

there are men far worse than her DH

A good reason to stay single frankly if that is the only reason for marriage.

’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

By whom? Your DD? You seem more concerned about "poor SIL" than DD here.

is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house)

Crikey 27, no kids and she is already his surrogate mother? I'm surprised it lasted this long.
He isn't a "typical man" he is messy, lazy man enabled by attitudes like this. I could not live with a man who expected me to clear up after him.

Why did they get married? How big a factor wa the pressure of expectations from two families of friends?

EIther way your DD needs rather more supportive advice than someone concerned mainly with Poor SIL and social inconvenience.

Mrsmadevans · 02/01/2020 16:09

Reading between the lines op, l am sorry but l think she has someone lined up .

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 02/01/2020 16:09

Fair play to your daughter really. She’s not happy, she no longer loves him and she wants out. There’s many others (including me) who wish they’d let a relationship die for good rather than limping on in misery before finally accepting it was over, having wasted years of their lives.

I hope your daughter’s friends are more supportive than you’re being right now.

Coyoacan · 02/01/2020 16:09

Back in the 1940s, a judge wouldn't let my mother divorce early on in their marriage and condemned her to quite a few more miserable years until my father eventually left.

GroggyLegs · 02/01/2020 16:10

I don't think you're unreasonable for asking her to think carefully before ending her marriage & agree she should at least consider counselling.

But you do display some very strange ideas (to me) about men & marriage - you want her to be appreciative that hes not a violent cheat? You'd want that to be an absolute baseline minimum for your daughter surely? It's a prerequisite not a positive.

And you want your daughter to suck up the extra work caused by his laziness, just because he's a man? And this is before kids - if they have children you think she should take on all that extra too?

She's resentful now - enough to end it. Staying will make it worse if they're not going to change & tackle it together. And it's infinitely better to go before children than after.

KirstyJC · 02/01/2020 16:10

I can't believe you are prepared to have your daughter, whom you presumably love, spend the rest of her life with a man she doesn't love. Who wants that for their child?!? How can you be happy to see them together, knowing that she doesn't want to be with him, presumably having sex she doesn't want with him, for the rest of her life?! Well what a lovely parent you are! Poor woman, I hope she ignores you.

NettleTea · 02/01/2020 16:10

You change alot between 18 and 27. She may have hoped that the love she felt when proposed to was going to be a sign of being important. After the wedding it all went back to being the same.
I expect she had brought up the 'mental load' issue prior to the wedding. It can make you feel taken for granted and taken advantage of and unloved. Instead of addressing the issues, was the marriage his answer?
Having to carry the mental load, especially if I assume they are both working FT can be an absolute love killer and, if she is heading to her 30s, completely cristalize what a future with kids is going to look like.
It sounds as if he wants a mummy. Not acceptable in this day and age. You should actually be proud of her for recognising this isnt a partnership.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2020 16:10

Reading between the lines op, l am sorry but l think she has someone lined up

Which lines??

GabriellaMontez · 02/01/2020 16:11

there are men far worse

Did you actually say that? Is this your benchmark for a marriage? Was it the Best thing you could say about him?

Lunde · 02/01/2020 16:11

Wow - you really want you dd to stay in an unhappy marriage for your sake? Words fail me!

I doubt if your dd will confide in you again given that your attitude is that only abuse is allowed as a reason for leaving a miserable, loveless marriage. How long do you think she should suck it up for the sake os appearances.

My dd was in a similar position this year ending a relationship after 5 years that she got into when she was 18. We supported her because we love her unconditionally.

WinterSunglasses · 02/01/2020 16:11

If she is unhappy, there is no point in trying to make it work. She wants to date other people and see if the grass is greener. I don't think she will able to stop wishing this

Just imagining this being given as advice on any of the many threads where men say they're fed up with married life and want to leave.

nowaypose · 02/01/2020 16:12

YABU, she needs your support not judgement. This is incredibly common with couples who met at a young age. I met my first DH when I was 16 and he was 19, it didn’t last for the same reasons as your DD tbh. We grew up at different rates and I realised as I got older that he was not the person I would choose now as an older, more mature person who knew more about myself.

She isn’t doing anything immoral, illegal or wrong. She has a right to be happy, as does he and there’s no point remaining in a stale loveless marriage.

CanIHaveADrink · 02/01/2020 16:13

Btw the fact that her DH is desperate to make things work isn’t a good enough reason for her to stay in the marriage. Nor are properties they own together.

If he was so desperate to mark things work he would take the initiative, he would have proposed marriage counselling. He should also have been picking up the fact there was things she wasn’t happy about. I don’t actually believe that things have just been spring in him like this. Not like he had suddenly discovered an affair he didn’t know about iyswim. Your dd will have been unhappy for a while. It’s just that the excitement of the wedding will have masked stuff.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 02/01/2020 16:13

Marriage is indeed a serious commitment, but staying married to someone you don’t love is a serious mistake. You have to support her in this, however much you may love your son in law.

HoHoHoik · 02/01/2020 16:14

Reading between the lines op, l am sorry but l think she has someone lined up

Yes, because the only reason a woman would ever leave a perfectly "good" marriage (based on the very low standards of the husband not being an abuser or a serial shagger) is because she has another man lined up.

Fuck me, the misogyny on this thread.

Sarahandco · 02/01/2020 16:15

I think she is 27 and too young to be stuck in an unhappy marriage. They have no children so although it will be hard on the families, you should support her .

NettleTea · 02/01/2020 16:15

If she is unhappy, there is no point in trying to make it work. She wants to date other people and see if the grass is greener. I don't think she will able to stop wishing this

Just imagining this being given as advice on any of the many threads where men say they're fed up with married life and want to leave.

i disagree. I think, if there are no children involved, the advice is pretty standard across the board. If you want to persue others, leave your marriage first.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/01/2020 16:15

"Which lines??"
And why would it make a difference, if your daughter thinks it's over, it's over, there's no point flogging a dead horse, particularly as there are luckily no children involved. If she's found someone else whom she loves and wants to spend her time with, all power to her. Men are "allowed" to change their minds, why on earth shouldn't women do the same, blamelessly?

ddl1 · 02/01/2020 16:16

While I think that maybe she should have thought about all this a bit more BEFORE she got married, there is no point in her compounding one mistake with yet more mistakes, which could lead to both partners being miserable over a long period. If they had children, I might feel differently; but as they don't, I think it's best to part before there are children involved! SIL may indeed be lovely, but that doesn't mean he's the right husband FOR HER. At any rate, she is an adult, and you can give your opinion, but ultimately it's her decision, not yours.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2020 16:17

Just imagining this being given as advice on any of the many threads where men say they're fed up with married life and want to leave

Can you point out any examples where a man asking his parent advice because he is in an unhappy marriage with someone he doesn't love and to whom he is a surrogate mother, haa been advised to stay put and prioritise the social convenience of their parents and the "poor DiL"s feelings?

DragonUdders · 02/01/2020 16:17

If this were my daughter, I would support her in whatever way she needed.

I wouldn't care 'how close' we were to her husband or how 'lovely' he is. Sometimes marriages do not work. Get over it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/01/2020 16:17

if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage
How sad that you don't want more than a non violent husband for your daughter
The op says abuse not just violence.
How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/01/2020 16:17

She's not ending it "on a whim" though, is she?

Her reasons make sense and are perfectly valid. There are no children to consider. Why should she continue in a relationship she no longer wants to have? Talk about flogging a dead horse.

There are two people qualified to have a say on the quality of this relationship, and sorry OP, you're not one of them. You should be supporting your DD and prioritising her happiness and well being, not your son-in-law's, however fond of him you are. Don't make it harder on your daughter.

NettleTea · 02/01/2020 16:18

I bet 100% there were cracks before the wedding but, as with many men on this board, rather than address the problems he thought he would 'prove his love' with a proposal.

I bet she would have preferred he 'proved his love' by picking up his pants and remembering to buy some food for dinner

Swipe left for the next trending thread