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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/01/2020 16:19

It must be hard when your DD has asked you for advice. I think that advice should be that she is a grown woman and must make her own decision - and that you will always love her and be there for her.

ohprettybaby · 02/01/2020 16:20

I think you need to allow your DD to make her own decisions, irrespective of your opinion. Support her in whatever she decides.

Just because her husband isn't abusive or faithful,that isn't a reason to stay with someone she no longer loves.

Often relationships from when we are barely an adult (18) do not last. We grow at different rates to each other and grow apart. It is good that she has recognised it sooner rather than later.

It doesn't matter that both families will be shocked and devastated if they split up. Your DD's feelings are Paramount in this situation.

gamerchick · 02/01/2020 16:20

Better she gets out now than when babies come along OP. She isn't responsible for your families harmony and comfort and the fact she's bringing it out into the open pretty much says she's already checked out. Once the feels are gone it's rare they come back. Why would you want her to stay in a marriage where her skin crawls each time he touches her? Because that is what will happen. Doesn't he deserve to find someone who wants him?

HoHoHoik · 02/01/2020 16:20

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

Marriage has its peaks and troughs, that's true, but when it becomes one long trough then it's time to step out.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed. It is not selfish to want to be happy.

TeaForTara · 02/01/2020 16:20

he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house

Maybe the truth is, he is a lazy slob who expects her to do everything around the house, as well as all the mental load. She is of an age where she might be thinking of having children, and the thought of taking on all the extra work on herself while he continues to avoid doing anything by being "forgetful and messy" and leaving it all to her.

It sounds like he has no respect for her and I think you should stop making excuses for him and support your daughter. You and your SIL need to read this:

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 16:20

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

Where no children are involved, personal happiness is very much the priority, actually.

ScoobyCan · 02/01/2020 16:21

I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

Yes my 'D'M always took the side of my "poor" XH (the abusive one) and now she's no longer included in my tribe. Careful, OP.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/01/2020 16:21

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

There are no children. So are you saying a woman (or man) at the age of 27 should be lifelocked into an unhappy marriage with someone she doesn't love for his convenience and their parents?

Where does he figure in the "personal happiness not being the priority"?

Baguetteaboutit · 02/01/2020 16:21

She isn't leaving the marriage on a whim, that's just how she entered into it. On the upside, there are no children involved so the damage is limited.

Loveislandaddict · 02/01/2020 16:22

I think it’s probably taken a lot of courage for your dd to confide in you. It’s probably come as a shock to you, especially as they have been together for so long, and you weren’t aware of any problems.

However, you should respect and support your dd’s decesion. Maybe a trial separation at first, before a divorce.

I don’t think it’s wrong to give the ‘are you sure?’ talk, but if she is resolute, then to support her.

You are very different at 18 to 27. Maybe she realised that she doesn’t want to have children with this man, or spend the rest of her life with him, or just wants different things from him. Maybe she feels she hasn’t had a chance to live a little,as she’s always been in a relationship, and maybe that relationship has become complacent and boring to her. I don’t know if she has got someone else lined up, but maybe she is aware that there is a different life she could be leading, and one she. Now wants.

NettleTea · 02/01/2020 16:23

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

we get one shot at this and its bloody sad to see people kept miserable for others convenience

Lweji · 02/01/2020 16:25

is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house)

Yes, I bet that's the understatement of the year. Hmm

If she has to carry the mental load now, imagine when they have children. He doesn't sound like a man I'd want to have children with. Would you, OP? Or have you married that sort of man and think your DD has to put up with it too?

The other question is, does he work on the marriage? It seems that it's your DD who has to. Another Hmm

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/01/2020 16:25

I'm glad I'm not your daughter. You sound like my mother, whatever happened, "the man" was always right, by mere dint of gender. I'm doing my best to support my own daughter whatever happens. Her well-being is far more important than that of any mere man.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2020 16:26

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

Couldn’t disagree more. I don’t see a marriage ended for mutual reasons a failure. I see it as a positive step into your next life stage.

SansaSnark · 02/01/2020 16:26

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

This is such a weird perspective. There are no children, so why shouldn't personal happiness be her priority? Should she prioritise her husband and her mum over herself? If so, why?

I'm around your daughter's age and honestly cannot imagine being with the boyfriend I had at 18 now. We were pretty serious, too, and I could see us sleepwalking into this situation. I'm pretty sure I would be utterly miserable and have missed out on so much, though. Being coupled up for the whole of your 20s is a massive tie. She must have missed out on stuff- from travel, to work opportunities, to being able to experiment and reinvent herself.

If she wants out, she deserves your support.

PuppyMonkey · 02/01/2020 16:28

I mean, if she was living 100 years ago you might have a point OP, but these days dissolving a marriage is not the terrible outrage or crime you think it is - thank God.

It seems you’re more unhappy it’ll break up the nice friendship circle with the in-laws if they divorce?Confused

SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2020 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoesAreMyFavourite · 02/01/2020 16:29

It must be hard when your DD has asked you for advice. I think that advice should be that she is a grown woman and must make her own decision - and that you will always love her and be there for her.

I'd go with the above. Trust her to decide what's best and support her with it.

SilverySurfer · 02/01/2020 16:31

You've failed your daughter - she must feel devastated by that. I'm guessing that's the last time she will come to you for support and don't be surprised if you play a much reduced part in her life.

SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end.

Totally irrelevant compared to the happiness of your DD.

Of course ask her to take some time to be sure divorce is what she wants, even suggest counselling but ultimately you should be supporting her in whatever decision she makes. If you can't do that, it's best you say nothing.

MaxNormal · 02/01/2020 16:32

No-one should feel compelled to stay with anyone they don't want to. Particularly with no children involved.
You are not being a good mother here, your priority seems to be everyone but your own daughter and her happiness.
And I hate the while letting men off the hook for being lazy shits by calling them "typical men". Good for her for having higher standards than that.

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 16:32

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

I know way way too many couples who are utterly miserable. That find day to day life exhausting. Who's lives are riddled with bickering and general unpleasantness..
But they stay.
They work at it.
Because they're married.

Why is my personal happiness not important or a priority in MY life

pallisers · 02/01/2020 16:32

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

Then whose are? What is the priority? Even Jesus Christ said "love your neighbour as yourself" not "Love your neighbour more than yourself". Should this woman live her entire life in a marriage she doesn't want to be in just to make her husband happy? And doesn't he deserve to be with someone who actually loves him rather than someone who is sacrificing to be with him. Or how about HE lives an unselfish life and prioritises her happiness and lets her divorce him with good grace. Is it just women who have to think their personal happiness is irrelevant or does it apply to men too?

I'm interested to know, OP, if you talked to your daughter about the commitment of marriage before she married - made it clear to her that it was serious and she didn't have to feel like it had to be the next thing and that the families love each other is irrelevant?

She is pretty sensible getting out before they bring children into the mix.

Snaga · 02/01/2020 16:33

YABU, but I do agree with the idea of your daughter taking her time...possibly with the help of counselling to see how her future looks.

It could well be just that after wedding lull and it's taken all the shine off what was presumably a decent relationship. Or your daughter could already have a grasp on the enormity of her situation and cannot face another 5, 10, 15 or more years compromising her happiness just because her husband isn't a bad bloke.

You've said your piece but please have a follow up chat and make clear to your daughter that you fully support her, you just want her to be certain this isn't a blip along the way because most relationships swing from amazing to mundane back to amazing again and a few more swings for good measure

Inter-family dynamics are not important, supporting your daughter is.

Lweji · 02/01/2020 16:33

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

While I don't think our actions should be 100% selfish, if our personal happiness is not a priority, then what's the point?
Who enjoys being miserable?
Who can be happy knowing that their DD isn't? Or even knowing that your partner isn't?

ViciousJackdaw · 02/01/2020 16:35

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end

What has this got to do with anything? Do you want her to stay in an unhappy marriage just to keep everyone happy? Devastated? No, devastation is when your house burns down, your child dies, a terrorist attack. Not someone else's marriage breaking down. Nobody else's feelings are relevant on this one.

if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage

That sounds an awful lot like 'Well he's not fucking other people and he's not smacking you about so what's the problem?'. It's sad that the bar is set so low.