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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 02/01/2020 15:44

The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load

These are two very clearly articulated and valid reasons.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2020 15:44

I fee sorry for him, sounds like she led him a bit of a merry dance

Touch of projection there?

TwoOneBravo · 02/01/2020 15:44

Yes, YABU. It’s her decision and her life. You’ve said your piece now leave it. If your DD does end her marriage, she will need your support. Do you want her to feel she cannot confide in you?

bsc · 02/01/2020 15:44

Wow. I think you should support her decision. YABVU.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 15:45

Probably she has thought about having children by now - and is appalled at the thought of being tied to this man forever as a result.

She sounds remarkably sensible to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2020 15:45

You gave your daughter your opinion, but now it's time to stay well out. This is your daughter's marriage and life, not yours. If she's making a mistake ending it, that's her right to do so and she will have to deal with the consequences. No good will come from any further involvement.

As for "supporting" her, you can tell her your means of support will be to stay quiet and let her do what she wants to do. She is being very unreasonable if she expects that you will blindly agree with her course of action. You don't have to agree, but at the same time you can keep it to yourself.

ThePlantsitter · 02/01/2020 15:45

I don't think you were wrong to say it, if that's what you think. But I do think you need to follow up in a note or something to say that you gave honest advice but you'll support her whatever she decides because her happiness is what matters to you most. Assuming that is the case. If it isn't you risk losing her whether she stays or not imo.

Belfastbird · 02/01/2020 15:45

I was your daughter (but wasnt brave enough to admit it). I'm now 41 with 2 kids and feel trapped and terrified of turning their lives upside down. Please support her - best she get out now before kids are involved

Original poster
CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:46

What a silly thing to say @PhilomenaChristmasPie, DD has made it my business by asking for my advice on the matter!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/01/2020 15:46

You need to leave your own emotions (about your SIL, about his family and yours socialising etc) at the door, as far as you possibly can.

You can say it’s nit uncommon to feel like this, and have they considered marriage counselling? You could offer to pay for that - on the understanding that it was just a place to discuss the best way forward so there’s an emotionally healthy way to see the future, whether together or apart.

But you must not act disappointed, or judgemental, or as if you think she’s doing anything ‘on a whim’ at 28.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/01/2020 15:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP you're entitled to your opinion and to give it to her if she's asked for it. Why do people ask for an opinion if they aren't going to like what they hear??

Marriage IS a serious commitment. Your DD sounds a little self absorbed if I'm honest - acting out now that she and her wedding isn't the centre of attention

Although she also sounds the sort to stay with the poor chap and then get pregnant so that the attention is back on her whilst making his life miserable and then leaving him therefore making the whole situation more complicated and painful.......so maybe they should divorce?

Perhaps she'll see that the grass isn't always greener..... it's greener where you water it

UndertheCedartree · 02/01/2020 15:47

I think if she asked your advice then it is fair enough that you gave it. However you do seem very focused on how much you like SIL and his family and how the break would affect the families than your own DD's happiness. Having been in a long relationship/marriage I do agree that there can be some quite long rough patches that with work and commitment can be pulled through and that as you say the grass isn't always greener. But at the end of the day the marriage can only be made right if she really wants it and is willing to put in the hard work. My suggestion would be to undertake marriage counselling before looking at divorce but again it won't work if she doesn't want to put the work in. Aside from that all you can do is be there for her unconditionally even if you feel she is making a mistake. And of course noone really knows what happens behind closed doors.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/01/2020 15:48

She made the mess let her clean it up by herself.

They both make a mess and she's the only cleaning it up by herself seems to be what the cause of the problem is ...........

TeaAndStrumpets · 02/01/2020 15:49

Ha! As a Mum, been there, done that!

Really, all I can advise is support her. As pp have said, you don't know every little detail of their marriage. She is a grown woman and knows her own mind. Nine years of being with someone suggests she is not prone to whims.

KatherineJaneway · 02/01/2020 15:49

(he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house).

That might not matter to you but it clearly does to her.

73Sunglasslover · 02/01/2020 15:49

There's nothing in your OP to suggest that this was on a whim. There is, however, lots to suggest that this is a problem for you and that might be the reason why you are pressurising your daughter to change her mind.

TheBeesKnee · 02/01/2020 15:50

I think advising anyone to stay in a relationship where they are unhappy is terrible advice. Saying that to your daughter is worse. You are putting your SIL above your daughter's happiness and wellbeing when you excuse and brush off his behaviour. If he's that selfish with housework you can bet he's selfish elsewhere, e.g. in bed - but she's not going to say that to you, is she? Imagine being married to a lazy slob of a man who doesn't even get you off and knowing that your mother wants you to put up with that. I'd be devastated.

Drum2018 · 02/01/2020 15:51

No sense in her staying with him if she doesn't love him. It's not fair on either of them and they are young enough to start again.

Crunchymum · 02/01/2020 15:51

Quite frankly your DD has probably been feeling this way for a while and now she has started vocalising this / telling people, I'd say it's a done deal.

No amount of marriage counselling can make you fall back in love with someone.

What do you honestly want her to do? Settle with someone (who seems to fit very snuggly into your life) or find her true happiness?

Maybe83 · 02/01/2020 15:51

I think your being somewhat reasonable. I dont think pointing out that you should be sure it's really what you want is a bad thing.

I dont think its enough to stay in a relationship just because their is no abuse or cheating though. It also isnt enough to say he is a typical man.

Marriage is a serious commitment and there can be a come down after a wedding especially if it was a big event. Long relationships have highs and lows with great excitement and then the day to day living which can be boring and wear down that madly in love feeling. Maybe after so long that's just worn her down or she expected something totally different to what her marriage is.

Ultimately she is living this life day in and day out so if shes not happy she needs to change what she can.

If they are still so young and dont have children this should be the time they are having loads of fun and freedom together. If they have lost that connection and it's not there anymore there isnt really much that can be done.

I think now you have given your opinion you need to tell her you will be there to support her and hope that everything works out for her. I would also suggest she gets some counselling to help her work through the next few months and a place to talk really honestly about how she feels and what she wants.

Breakdowns of relationships are hard but it will only get harder if they stay together longer and she really isnt happy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2020 15:52

OP you’re being a crap mum in this instance. Really poor parenting.

She has confided in you. She doesn’t want to be with him anymore. It is irrelevant if you, and every other family member love him. Pressurising her into staying with him is wrong - she already knows there is a wall of pressure to stay.

You have failed her but you can make it right. Apologise and really listen and tell her you support her choices.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 15:52

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end

This is probably true but it is still not a reason for your DD to stay married to a man she no longer loves.

If his only good points are negatives (he isn't violent or profligate with money) then it isn't reasonable for your DD to stay with him.

JorisBonson · 02/01/2020 15:53

I left my marriage after 5 months for reasons that others may thought were trivial but I did not. And you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I also couldn't have got through that terrible time without the unconditional support of my mum.

Maybe take a step back and let your adult DD do what she needs to do.

BarbedBloom · 02/01/2020 15:54

I would want my daughter to be happy rather than stay in a miserable marriage because she made a commitment. In my case there was abuse, but I grew up seeing my mother in an unhappy marriage with a man she didn't love and it was awful. It is also unfair to the other party who might be able to go out and find someone who does love them.

I would suggest marriage counselling first, but I do think you giving your SIL a free pass to be thoughtless and expect her to do the wife work is not okay. Men are perfectly capable, the problem is those who enable them to make excuses.

toomuchtooold · 02/01/2020 15:54

@Marriedtoapenguin

Marriage shouldn't be ended on a whim? Wrong site for that belief

A penguin is for life, not just for Christmas Grin

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