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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH called me an old soak in the middle of the night

224 replies

Somethingelseentirely · 01/01/2020 07:34

That’s it, really - we’d both been at a party, I sometimes talk in my sleep, so in my head was explaining to ds how to play a game, dh woke up and called me an old soak. I am 48 and probably quite sensitive about my age. We have a visitor so couldn’t sleep anywhere else, cried for a while and then got up and I walked two miles to get my car. Currently sat in a car park feeling sorry for myself. Not feeling the happiest of New Years at all!

OP posts:
AllideasAndNoAction · 01/01/2020 08:29

It is not used more widely for women, what utter nonsense. And it really, really is not gendered. I think perhaps you are one of those people who tries too hard to find misogyny in everything and thinks that all perceived insults directed at a woman are by default misogynistic.

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:29

I think perhaps you are one of those people who tries too hard to find misogyny in everything and thinks that all perceived insults directed at a woman are by default misogynistic.

I’m not, honestly! This is just what I think of this particular term.

Figgygal · 01/01/2020 08:30

Yes big overreaction op
Don’t let it ruin your day

AllideasAndNoAction · 01/01/2020 08:30

I agree it was said as an insult, although it was perhaps a jokey one. Without hearing his tone or seeing his expression we can’t know. But to assert that it was gendered or misogynistic is just ridiculous.

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:31

AllideasAndNoAction

To you, yes, but to me, it’s definitely used more widely against women. We can only agree to disagree.

speakout · 01/01/2020 08:31

This is just what I think of this particular term.

Perhaps it's your views that are gendered then?

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:33

speakout

I’m not sure what you mean by that. But perhaps. I’m just saying what I think of this particular term. It doesn’t need a big argument, it’s just what I think.

thickwoollytights · 01/01/2020 08:34

Is there a bit of a back story? If this is the first time he's called you old and made a comment about your drinking then you are really overreacting

If he has form - then you're not overreacting

legalseagull · 01/01/2020 08:35

Oh dear OP. In the nicest possible way - get a grip. You're being waaaay too sensitive. Embarrassing

AllideasAndNoAction · 01/01/2020 08:37

Old soak is used to describe both genders. I really hope 2920 is the year people stop looking for offence.

Well as apparently there are literally dozens of convoluted gender identities all vying for equal seriousness to be taken of them, and we are in the new age of politically correct offence taking madness I suspect someone actually took offence right there. 😂

speakout · 01/01/2020 08:37

thejollyroger

No - sorry I'm not spoiling for an argument!! Just curious as to why you think it is a gendered term. I don't think the world at large sees it that way, , but you see it as a slur mostly towards women. I wonder why you think that?

Veterinari · 01/01/2020 08:38

@Somethingelseentirely
Glad you’re home - be prepared for the post-drinking anxiety, put last night behind you and make up with your DH.

@thejollyroger
You are literally the only person on this thread that thinks this term is gendered and ageist. As previous posters have said it is a collocation - you never use the expression young soak, and it is inherently non-gendered both as a phrase and in its application (in everyone else’s experience on this thread at least) so perhaps stating your personal opinion as fact is a bit derailing.

AllideasAndNoAction · 01/01/2020 08:39

Jolly then perhaps you should learn to phrase your posts in a way that separates your anecdotal experiences and perceptions from things that are stated as fact.

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:39

No - sorry I'm not spoiling for an argument!! Just curious as to why you think it is a gendered term. I don't think the world at large sees it that way, , but you see it as a slur mostly towards women. I wonder why you think that?

So do I, I suppose. It’s just that I’ve definitely come across it more as directed at women.

Screamqueenz · 01/01/2020 08:39

Well done for getting a taxi, I do think you are over-sensitive about the term he used (although any name calling would be hurtful), you need to decide whether it was the old that upset you or the drunk inference.
Have a chat when you've both him around a bit, clear the air and get the new year started on a better note.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/01/2020 08:41

Hi OP, really glad to hear that you called a taxi. The morning of January 1st is when more people are found to be over the limit than any other day.

It sounds as if you are either a) sensitive about the four year age gap (that you'll reach 50 and he'll still be 46?) or b) worried about your drinking or c) both?

AliTheMinx · 01/01/2020 08:41

You have totally overreacted and blown this out of all proportion. "Old soak" is just a throwaway phrase with no real emphasis on age. It sounds as the though the real problem is your insecurity about being older than your husband...

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:41

Jolly then perhaps you should learn to phrase your posts in a way that separates your anecdotal experiences and perceptions from things that are stated as fact.

Or perhaps, for the benefit of very argumentative people, I should add in my opinion to everything, like Alicia Florrick? This was never going to be a statement of fact - it’s by necessity a statement of opinion, so “in my opinion” it’s a waste of time to state that it’s my opinion.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 01/01/2020 08:41

If your DH was the same age as you or younger, you would probably not have reacted so strongly to the term. To me it seems like a pointer to an underlying insecurity about being four years older, though four years is honestly nothing.

I can certainly see that the term 'old soak', which does rather conjure up a picture of degeneration, could make you feel bad, if that unaddressed hidden anxiety was there, however irrational it might be.

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:42

You are literally the only person on this thread that thinks this term is gendered and ageist. As previous posters have said it is a collocation - you never use the expression young soak, and it is inherently non-gendered both as a phrase and in its application (in everyone else’s experience on this thread at least) so perhaps stating your personal opinion as fact is a bit derailing.

Then ignore it? I’m not derailing anything. You are by going on about it.

Tombliwho · 01/01/2020 08:42

Odd reaction, I suspect because you were still drunk. Thank god you didn't drive home, I'd be more worried about that.

Echobelly · 01/01/2020 08:44

Hope you can laugh about it later - have a happy new year.

misspiggy19 · 01/01/2020 08:45

Oh dear OP. In the nicest possible way - get a grip. You're being waaaay too sensitive. Embarrassing

^This.

butterpuffed · 01/01/2020 08:46

Of course it's non gendered. It's not ageist either..if you're someone who uses this expression, you'd say it to someone regardless of age .

thejollyroger · 01/01/2020 08:48

if you're someone who uses this expression, you'd say it to someone regardless of age .

I really don’t believe that’s true. But okay, you do.