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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
Sam983 · 30/12/2019 13:37

YANBU

My kids are a little younger, but we do vet what they spend, I'm dead set against spending/wasting money on crap!

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 13:39

We’ve always instilled in DD a “when it’s gone it’s gone, don’t ask for any more” philosophy.

We started suggesting to her when very small whether it would be useful to save some and spent some and now she does that as standard.

I think agreeing with him an amount that can be spent as he chooses and then some to save would be fair.

churchandstate · 30/12/2019 13:40

I think it’s his birthday money and he ought to be able to spend it as he wishes.

mummmy2017 · 30/12/2019 13:41

Stop trying to control him, it is birthday fun money, had anyone wanted you to save it they would have said so.
Still open the account , and let him know he can still access it, but don't push him to save this time, after he is penniless is a good time to explain,maybe add a couple of euros to the card for him, overtime so he can see it stays safe.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 30/12/2019 13:42

Its a hard one, I'd probably say give him a proportion of it to blow on crap, then say he needs to save the rest for the summer. Then ask him in April/May if he's still using anything he bought, or is it just gathering dust.
Generally speaking though he needs to learn for himself the outcome of blowing it all - don't buy him magazines etc once its gone. My oldest blew his birthday money, then 2 days later wanted something else, had to go through the whole 'but how will you pay for it? You haven't got any money' and it kind of sank in. Its practice 🤷‍♀️

Newmetoday · 30/12/2019 13:42

My 12 year old gets money and it’s his to do what he wants with it. I don’t always like what he buys but it’s his money

TooleyVanDooley · 30/12/2019 13:42

He’s getting the money in lieu of presents because you live overseas. I don’t think he should have to save it. He should choose his own Christmas presents with it.

Knittedfairies · 30/12/2019 13:42

He may well have got a lot of 'plastic crap and sweets' if he'd been given presents to open rather than money though.

worldweary45 · 30/12/2019 13:44

Let him spend it how he likes -it's not your money

You would have no control over how it was spent if people bought gifts instead and if he spends it all then in a months time wants something else -then he has learnt a lesson about spending hasn't he?

I think pocket money is different and you can insist on saving a percentage -but not gift money from others

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 30/12/2019 13:45

My son aged 13 got a scholarship to a school, and we thought "OK, he's saved us x money, we should give him a cut of that" and gave him ten percent of the amount of the scholarship. That first year he spent the whole lot on Warhammer and we really wished we hadn't let him have it, but the next year he spent it on things that were less ephemeral, and by the time he left the school five years later he was saving most of it.

I think learning about the value of money is probably part of growing up, and after all, it isn't money that you can't afford. And he will learn that if he spends it all on "tat" now, he won't have it come summer to spend on ice-creams!

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 30/12/2019 13:45

I would suggest saving some - at least half, but ultimately it's his money given to him by people who want him to enjoy it. If he blows the lot it will be a good lesson in the value of money, especially if he is handing over cash so he sees it depleting.

Kazplus2 · 30/12/2019 13:45

Half in bank and half to spend. They will appreciate it either when they are older it when they want something expensive and have money in bank towards it!

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 13:45

FFS unclench and let him spend his money on what he wants. As a PP said, suppose your relatives had actually given him all the 'plastic tat and sweets' he wants (and which you are too uptight and miserable to allow). Would you have confiscated them all?

Littlebearstrousers · 30/12/2019 13:47

Is there something expensive he wants that you could use as an incentive to save? Saving for the sake of saving is boring but if he wants something, tech etc he may be more willing to save? If he still doesn't want to I say leave him to it. Once it is gone then its gone though as PP said.

Cloudyyy · 30/12/2019 13:49

I wouldn’t begrudge my child spending all their birthday money on toys of their choice. Saving money at 12 seems ludicrously dull - plenty of time for all that, this is the perfect t age to indulge in a few toys with birthday/ Christmas toys and enjoy them freely.

Youseethethingis · 30/12/2019 13:49

You wouldn’t march him to the shop to return gifts to and put the money savings would you?
By the same logic you should leave him to buy (and probably regret) whatever crap he wishes.

CuckooCuckooClock · 30/12/2019 13:50

We have some generous relatives who give our dc £400 each year for Christmas and birthdays. It all goes into their bank accounts (they’re 6and 9).
I think they’ll thank us when they’re 17 and can buy a car and pay for lessons with it , or travel around the world with friends, or not have to work every evening weekend and holiday when they’re at uni.
We are not particularly well off so we may not be able to give them these things without the savings.
I also think too much plastic tat is really damaging to childhood and as a parent it’s my job to protect my dc from that. As long as they have a few new toys from you then put the rest away.

Pinkblanket · 30/12/2019 13:50

It's his money, not yours. How will he learn to manage his finances properly if you control it all the time? It's a great way for them to learn the value of things and budgeting.

Cloudyyy · 30/12/2019 13:51

Also 250 euros is masses to a 12 year old for toy money and will be unbelievably exciting for him to choose his new toys that your miserably deny him. As an adult though, will he be overjoyed by his 250 Euro savings? Unlikely! It’ll be worth comparatively less by then too. I can’t see the logic to it.

Lipperfromchipper · 30/12/2019 13:51

We do 50:50,so half to save and half to spend. It makes most sense imo.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 13:52

Saving money at 12 seems ludicrously dull - plenty of time for all that

My DD is now 13 and is delighted she saves because she can afford to buy all the designer stuff she wants. I think it’s really important they learn the value of saving towards a goal!

topcat2014 · 30/12/2019 13:53

Dd spends her own money, including feeling the regret when the new top, or whatever, doesn't change her life. A useful experience that we shouldn't protect them from

Cloudyyy · 30/12/2019 13:54

@JacquesHammer If she’s delighted to do that then I’d be fully behind her. Would you stop her if she wanted to blow it all on something fun though? Force her to put it into savings that she wouldn’t see again for years to come? Personally I wouldn’t.

Wonkydonkey44 · 30/12/2019 13:54

How about half in his bank account and half to spend?

Mintjulia · 30/12/2019 13:54

My ds is 11. When he gets birthday money he isn’t allowed to spend it on sweets but he can spend up to £20 on toys/books/ going out.

Then if there is something big he would like, we talk about it. He already has a Nintendo, a tablet and a laptop so when he said he wanted a PS4 I said no.

It depends....