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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 30/12/2019 14:32

£250 is a ridiculous amount to spend on toys. How about something bigger? A bike? A laptop? A nice skateboard?
I'd say don't do long term savings yet, give him a £100 for sweets and tat, and the rest for the near future, like a holiday.

Lipperfromchipper · 30/12/2019 14:33

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime I was advised at least 20% of income should be saved.
We live by the 50/30/20, 50% (max) should go toward necessities, and 30% toward discretionary items.

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2019 14:36

give him a £100 for sweets and tat, and the rest for the near future, like a holiday.

So he can spend it on tat abroad?

It’s his money - the OP can’t give it to him - all she can do is restrict it.

Hopoindown31 · 30/12/2019 14:36

All birthday and Christmas money goes into savings accounts for the DCs. We have established this from day one so they know the score. They get enough in terms of presents anyway. We've managed to save a good amount for each of them toward uni/house/cars etc.

JKScot4 · 30/12/2019 14:38

@FinallyHere
I think it’s odd you expect a gift to a child to be saved towards a house deposit etc, it’s not a gift for them to enjoy if it goes into savings. Some odd ideas on here.
Would any of you controlling parents like it if your parents gave you a £500 gift and your DH returned it and put the £ in savings?
I doubt you would, loosen up and allow your kids to make decisions and yes some will be silly.

Blueopal15 · 30/12/2019 14:39

My kids are a little younger - they tend to save their birthday money and occasionally spend on a box of Lego or something else they want ... one has much more saved than the other though . I’ve tried to entice the older one into spending as I felt he had quite a lot saved In the house - but there’s nothing he wants ! Will be opening him a bank account as soon as he’s old enough !

Maybe get him to chose a few things online he wants so that you can influence wise spending and help him get the best price ... he’ll get the buzz of a spend - then save the rest ?

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2019 14:39

I’d ‘tax’ him 20% to go in a bank account, and start regular pocket money (if you don’t already) which can be spent on ‘tat’. If you won’t buy what he desires, and he has no other access to it, why do you think he’s itching to spend it all now?

There’s loads of ways you can speak about the ‘tax’ saving element but if you can incentivise it ... if you still have €X in the account in 2 months we’ll give you a ‘bonus’ etc- then it can be a good learning experience rather than denial.

Ultimately you want him to WANT to save ... which he never will if he can never spend it on stuff that would bring him pleasure.

Eeeeek2 · 30/12/2019 14:40

It's his to spend. Maybe try and attract him towards a bigger item that will be of use?

But if he really does waste it this year, maybe ask some of your relatives to send you the money next year to buy presents on their behalf so there is less money to spend on rubbish.

darndifino · 30/12/2019 14:41

We had a similar issue when our dd1 was about 10. She spent the whole lot on plastic Disney crap and other tat. After about a week or so, she admitted that she thought she'd wasted the money.

Perhaps tentatively suggest that he spends some of it now, and hangs on to the rest until he is absolutely sure that there isn't something else he would rather have.

FishCanFly · 30/12/2019 14:41

So he can spend it on tat abroad?

well, yes. I assume there will be a holiday and he'll need spending money for treats and tat.
If he was a bit older, i'd suggest a long term goal, like saving for his first car, but at 12 that's way too far ahead, especially when he's still into toys.

Original poster

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 14:42

50:50 after 230 votes and 4 pages! You lot are no help ;-)

OP posts:

Chocolatemouse84 · 30/12/2019 14:44

I'd give £100 to spend how he wishes and either put the rest in savings or see if there is something 'big' he wants to chose or save for like a games console or bike or whatever.

I'm with you, it's his money but often with these 'tat' toys,after the initial fun of buying and opening it, the fun quickly wears off and thy don't get looked at again. My ds chose some smashem egg things for his birthday, they were £20 and after the initial 10 minutes of opening them, they havent been played with since.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2019 14:47

Thank you @jkscot4 What I have learned from this thread is that the money we transfer into their accounts is not a gift.

The small colourfully wrapped parcels we give them are gifts.

The transfers are of what I would consider capital sums. There are considerable tax advantages to making these over the years instead of in one go. The amounts are expected to provide a generous deposit for a house and several years of uni fees and support.

Before reading this thread, it had never occurred to me to consider that there could be any misunderstanding. I will have a think about how to do so sensitively but by next year hope to have clarified with the DGC's parents. I manage the accounts for DGP under POA and suggested that these transfers would be good way forward.

Thank you again for the heads up, I do feel that it is up to me to explain how funds are transferred down the generations.

soembarrassing19 · 30/12/2019 14:48

If you were my relative and I found out you'd taken money off somebody o had sent them as a gift, I would be furious. It's not your money to do that with, it's your child's. He would have gotten a gift if he lived in the same country. If saving is so important to you then use your own money to save for him. Let him be a child and have the stuff for his birthday.

Yeahnah2020 · 30/12/2019 14:48

You sound extremely controlling. It’s actually not your money. Let him spend it.

selmabear · 30/12/2019 14:49

Ah, let him spend his money and enjoy his Christmas.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 14:51

If you were my relative and I found out you'd taken money off somebody o had sent them as a gift, I would be furious. It's not your money to do that with, it's your child's

Would you be “furious” if the child wanted to save the money towards something bigger?

Useful22 · 30/12/2019 14:56

Does your other child get to spend it? If they lived near family would it be presents they received instead....in which case hes missing out as doesnt live near family.

BrokenWing · 30/12/2019 14:57

It is his money and I would let him spend it how he wants.

With ds(15) we have always put it into his instant access account and he withdrew/transferred as he needed. We would have a chat and I would tell him to think about what he was spending it on as once it was gone it was gone.

Ideas I would plant in his head were Fifa comes out in September, he could keep the money for that, otherwise he would need to wait until Xmas for it, or going out with friends in the summer to cinema/theme parks etc, or putting money towards his budget for new trainers to get trendy ones etc.

Usually that would be enough for him to keep it until it was something he really wanted, sometimes he screwed up and spent and later regretted it (or not!). Last year he had kept enough back from gifts 8 months prior and pocket money and bought a PS4, an extra controller, PS4 plus and a couple of games because his friends had switched from Xbox to PS4, so was told it is great he saved his money so he could afford it all (even though he was now skint).

This is him learning about money now, save for a bit and have money available for something you want. At 12 it is ridiculous to be expecting them to save birthday money towards long term goals like driving lessons and house deposits.

I always split his money between the 2...……..At 14 he is delighted with the amount of savings he has and is proud of the amount.

Proud of what? His mum controlling his money. He has not done anything to be proud of, he has not learnt to make choices, resist temptation to spend or done a single thing independently.

Spoonsmum · 30/12/2019 14:57

Yabu. Kids need to learn how to budget and the consequences of spending all their money. If you are the one giving them money then you can suggest the purpose. But if grown adults choose to give a child money and say “ spend it how you like / buy something nice” then I would let them.
I also find my kids look after stuff more if they’ve bought it themselves. Disposable fun money is one of the joys of childhood. I realised a few years ago that any money I got for Christmas normally got swallowed up into household crap. So I made a decision that Christmas and birthday money is SUPPOSED to be for things you wouldn’t normally have. I spent my entire load on books in one go this year and it made me so happy. My kids money is their money. But they know not to come moaning to me for more when it’s gone

SE13Mummy · 30/12/2019 14:59

I voted YABU but would have liked to choose an option that said 'let him spend it on what he wants but not all at once'.

My DC don't often receive money in lieu of gifts but sometimes receive book vouchers or a token for a specific shop. That's quite useful because it directs what the money is spent on and avoids it being wasted on sweets/trips to McDonald's!

In your situation, I'd encourage DS1 to identify something he definitely wants to buy with some of the money and let him buy that initially but suggest he hold off buying the next thing for a month or so in order that he spread his purchases over a few months. That will give him time to enjoy the first thing he buys but will also mean he has other purchasing opportunities to look forward to, in much the same way as someone with a June birthday will look forward to being treated in six months.

Poorolddaddypig · 30/12/2019 14:59

It’s HIS money. YABVU.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 15:00

Proud of what? His mum controlling his money. He has not done anything to be proud of, he has not learnt to make choices, resist temptation to spend or done a single thing independently

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing though. Every monetary gift DD gets she is given the choice whether she wants to save it all/spend it all or split it. Absolutely her choice without any input from us.

She is really pleased that she has a substantial amount in the bank that she’s saved.

SophieSong · 30/12/2019 15:01

I like the save 10% of everything rule. It doesn’t seem like much but if you can drill into him to save 10% of his money now it will be a great habit for the future. Over time it all adds up but isn’t such a great amount each time it feels like a hardship.

Jux · 30/12/2019 15:01

Let him do it. He'll learn a valuable lesson and next year he'll be more thoughtful about what he spends it on.

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