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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
DDiva · 31/12/2019 14:33

I dont think he should have to save it, it's a present in place of an actual gift. I do think you could advise what he spends it on .....

BinkyBaa · 31/12/2019 15:09

Spending money on what he wants is part of learning the value of money. It's not like he has any bills to pay and things to save for like college/university probably seem a lifetime away. Yabu, let him buy his crap this year and next year he'll be able to decide what to do with his money from the experience.

justdoityourself · 31/12/2019 17:01

It might be worth mentioning to him that we went with the "it's their money, let them spend it" philosophy. When our dc got to the age of starting to think about buying cars/saving for house deposits, they said "wish you'd put all our money in savings and not let us spend it on crap!"
I would say a good compromise would be to split it, save some, spend some.

Dictionariesandpictionaries · 31/12/2019 17:08

I would say spend some, save some. My parents got me to put any birthday money etc straight into a savings account, and whilst I was glad of the savings when I needed them as a young adult, I also had/ have a tendency to buy crap just because I can and noone can stop me anymore, which isn't sensible. By 12 or 13 I did resent not being allowed to keep money to buy my own treats, junk food when out with friends etc.

lazylinguist · 31/12/2019 17:13

He should be able to spend it on what he wants (barring inappropriate things for his age etc). Presumably if his relatives weren't overseas, he'd be getting presents he wanted, not money which his parents then insist on squirrelling away. Why should he be penalised for where his extended family live? As other posters have said, he will gradually learn what is and isn't worth his money.

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/12/2019 17:37

It’s your job to fund his future savings pot not the people giving him cash to buy christmas gifts on their behalf. I think it’s really cheeky that you even think it’s fair to use other people’s money like this.

melj1213 · 31/12/2019 18:33

I wouldnt give him the entire €250 to spend on anything with no control but you do need to bear in mind that this money was given because physical presents couldn't be sent so I would use it as an opportunity to start teaching money management.

I would sit him down and ask him to divide the money up into amounts to save longterm/save for future big purchases/spend now on toys or games he wants/fritter on sweets and tat. I would also divide it into those categories and compare the answers. Eg I would want to put €120 in longterm savings/€50 in the bank to save towards the new games console he wants/€60 on buying stuff now/€20 on sweets and tat

Using that budget you can then discuss the practicalities of his decisions and negotiate with him until you are both happy with the percentages. That way you can limit what he "wastes" his money on but he feels like he has the control.

When I lived abroad with DD I used to get around this by having family send any money to me and I would use that money to buy gifts DD had asked for "from" the family members (in addition to the gifts I was buying her) and then any money left over was given to her to spend/save. That way family didnt have to spend money shipping gifts, DD had things to open in birthday/Christmas and I could buy things she actually wanted. In future could you ask family to send you money pre-christmas/birthday so you can buy physical gifts?

distractingdissertation · 04/01/2020 18:27

We have a similar situation in that ds's birthday is mid December and all dhs family live abroad so usually send cash or vouchers. For last couple of years he's ended up with £200ish. I've always let him spend it on what he wants - if they bought him presents I'd have no control over it. He usually spends most of it on a mixture of more expensive things (x box games etc) and tat but that's his choice - they're his presents. If he wants things through the year though I say 'yes you can have it if you pay for it' - he either decides he didn't want it that much or knows he'll have to save for it/could have afforded it if he hadn't wasted his Xmas money!

He's now 14 and this year he's bought himself a new x box controller (not needed as had one but this ones jazzier) and saved the rest as he wants a new monitor for his x box. The one he wants is £199 and he gets £20/month pocket money into his bank account so thinks he'll need to save for about 4 more months.

Let them spend it - it's their money and there's nothing like spending your own money to learn the value of it! By the time they're DSs age they'll enjoy knowing they can but themselves big ticket items if they manage their money

InfiniteCurve · 04/01/2020 19:01

He's right,its his money given to him as a present to buy something he wants.
Let him spend it;if you want him to save set up an allowance system with part of that having to go to savings.
And from the other side if I had sent a nephew/grandson money because I couldn't give them a physical gift I would be seriously unimpressed if their parents stopped them from getting something they wanted with it,as for me presents should be things you want and will be Smile to receive.

2Rebecca · 04/01/2020 19:10

My son's birthday is near Christmas and any money was his. After all if he'd asked for figurines people would have bought figurines. Different if a tiny child and relatives paid the money to you and said they wanted some of it saved. This did happen when he was small but the money was just saved until the summer so he then had a choice of summer stuff when 6 months older. Birthday money is usually a one off treat and most people sending money dont expect it to be squirrelled away by parents. If a relative of mine did that I'd stop sending money and just post stuff

ElphiasDoge · 04/01/2020 20:18

I think beings 12 he knows he’s got €250 which is his and for presents.

You could incentivise savings by offering him an interest deal and discuss how this works in real life. And also discuss what he might want the future money for - things coming out/mobile phone etc.

Presumably you are aiming for him to WANT to save as well as to have a pot of savings. Make it an attractive option!

Strugglingfemale · 04/01/2020 20:29

This is a tough one.

We have the same issue, eldest ds wants to spend his money on 'crap'. Remember what's crap to us isn't to them. I sort of think it's his money, dh wants him to save it. Also dh seems to have decided that because ds wants to waste his money now, that must mean he's going to be irresponsible with money forever fgs. Which annoys me.

I usually let ds blow a bit on stuff like v bucks, figures etc to get it out his system. Then encourage him to save most of it to use throughout the year or for a bigger purchase or when he sees something else he really wants.

sauvignonblancplz · 04/01/2020 20:30

We do insist some is saved - our children are handed money every farts turn and fully believe that that is realistic unfortunately. Even when they spend it on crap there will always be more coming.
Generally they don’t waste it , they choose Lego or sports stuff. Our biggest argument is buying a bucks . My husband absolutely hates them and I do see it as like putting £30 in one of those claw Teddy machines . We put our foot down there .
It’s definitely a tricky one.

Strugglingfemale · 04/01/2020 20:32

Sorry I meant to say ultimately it does all end up getting spent, but I always persuade him to wait because I know there'll be lots he wants throughout the year.

2Rebecca · 04/01/2020 21:33

What is a bucks?

Jem018 · 04/01/2020 21:58

YABU
It is his money. Given to him for the purpose to buy a Christmas and Birthday present from the individual relatives. They gave the money to buy the gift as they could not post it. Let him buy the Christmas and Birthday presents with it. Doing otherwise is unfair to both him and the sender.
The relatives wanted him to use the money to buy the gift. I doubt they gave it to him to put in a savings account. If they had wanted him to save it, they would have given the money to you to put aside for him.
Much as you may not agree with what he wants to buy I think you just need to suck it up and let him get on with it. It is not his fault that his birthday happens so close to Xmas and therefore he has so much cash. Perhaps you try to influence him in what he buys if you like, suggest he may want to buy a bigger item as he may not have that amount again. But let him spend it. Just my opinion.

sauvignonblancplz · 04/01/2020 21:59

Sorry that should have read V Bucks.
Money to use when gaming online , virtual money.

2Rebecca · 04/01/2020 22:13

I would never allow my kids to gamble away money apart from once every few years on 2p slot machines. Children are too young to gamble online surely?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/01/2020 22:16

My DD is now 13 and is delighted she saves because she can afford to buy all the designer stuff she wants. I think it’s really important they learn the value of saving towards a goal!

I find this comment quite weird - I don't really see how a 13 year old buying designer things (clothes? Make up?) is any more laudable than spending it on plastic tat. I certainly don't think it's any healthier a habit to get into.

pallisers · 04/01/2020 22:32

I'd let him spend a fair bit of it this time - I'd try to negotiate that some of it would be saved.

Then ask your relatives to give him money in two virtual lots. I did this with my godson. I would give him, say, 40 euro for saving and 10 euro for spending right now (he had the opposite issue - he wanted to save everything but I also wanted him to buy a treat) but you could ask them to do the opposite or some part of it.

That will get him into the habit of saving and he will have money to spend.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/01/2020 22:41

DD gets to spend her pocket money however she likes. She earns it and can spend it on tat. We help guide her on spending her birthday/Christmas money on things the givers would like to see her spend it on. Usually putting herself in granny's shoes helps her think whether it's a good spend or not.

Goldwispa · 04/01/2020 22:48

People have given that money to him for him to enjoy spending, Let him get what he wants. If I give money to my nephews I want them to get whatever they want , whatever makes them happy

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 04/01/2020 22:52

I hope my daughters arent wasting their moenu on designer clothes whent they're teenagers...

Just goes to show everyone's priorities are different.

sauvignonblancplz · 04/01/2020 22:56

@2Rebecca I agree whole heartedly & there are ongoing investigations into the likes of fortnight etc on the topic.
Basically the child can purchase these VBucks and can buy different costumes or characters etc to use in the game or other in app purchases. It’s a con.
We allow the boys to buy some at Christmas & their birthday but it is a constant discussion.
Especially when they argue that it’s their money ...

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 22:58

I don't really see how a 13 year old buying designer things (clothes? Make up?) is any more laudable than spending it on plastic tat. I certainly don't think it's any healthier a habit to get into

Equipment for her hobbies (music, dance). She doesn’t have to make do with cheaper options because she has saved towards a goal.