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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 30/12/2019 15:02

I let the kids spend half their birthday money then put the rest in their accounts for when they are older.

Surfskatefamily · 30/12/2019 15:05

I think birthday money that's been given in lieu of presents should be allowed to be spent on fun now.

You could always open an account and hint to the relatives that maybe 50%of his birthday money next year could be transferred into his bank account and 50% arrive in his card for spending

hazell42 · 30/12/2019 15:05

I actually think that Christmas and Birthday gifts should be spent on something wonderful for the child. Very few children that age will care about savings.
What would he be saving for? Generic rainy day stuff? Yawn.
I would actually encourage them to spend it, not on 'tat' (why is everything these days aimed at kids labelled as 'plastic tat'. Its like they are not allowed to enjoy a present unless its made of wood. Another thread maybe).
A birthday/Christmas is a celebration. if your relatives had sent gifts your children would have the gifts. they have sent money (lazy imo) and so that kids can't have them.
And your child's astute observation that if he puts it in his savings you wont let him take it out again, is not likely to encourage him to save either.
I'd be a bit pissed off if I had sent a gift of money only for it to end up in a savings account.

Dipsydoodle · 30/12/2019 15:07

We have a premium bonds account for DD that family have the details for. If they want to give her money for savings or the future they pay it directly
In there. Otherwise any money she gets given directly in the future will be hers to do with as she wishes, which is presumably what the giver intended. We also contribute to her savings account monthly, the child benefit goes in there plus some extra, so she will have a substantial amount by the time she is 18. Gift money will be hers to spend or save as she feels fit, and for her to learn how best to handle it.

Dipsydoodle · 30/12/2019 15:09

Also buying tat is one of the joys of childhood. DH were reminiscing the other day about the stuff we collected as kids. We were both very proud of our Spice Girls photo albums! Kids like what we think of as tat. We liked it as kids, they like it now. Sometimes it's about enjoying yourself in the moment.

Radardodgingninga · 30/12/2019 15:10

When our DC were little we had a rule that applied to any gifts of money or the occasional £50 premium bond win - Spend half, Save half. It worked very well as they acquired a saving habit and a nice little nest egg for uni/funding cars when they were older whilst still being able to buy whatever they wanted with the ‘spend half’ portion. The junk they bought made me wince sometimes but it was worth it because it taught them spending money on tat can be a very short lived pleasure and they would often soon be bored of whatever ‘must have’ thing they thought would bring them happiness or make them cool.

They are both adults now and doing well for themselves and they still use the spend half, save half rule for any extra money they might have.

TonTonMacoute · 30/12/2019 15:10

I always gave him some and put the rest in a savings account. By the age of 12 I would give him the cash and pay in any cheques to the account. By the time he was 18 he had £2000!

CanIHaveADrink · 30/12/2019 15:10

His gift, his choice.
If you weren’t abroad, he might have well have received all the plastic tat he enjoys anyway!

I also believe it’s a great learning experience for the dcs. They’ve spent all the money and now there is nothing left for x and y.
The only thing I’ve ever sais to my dcs is ‘are you SURE you really want that or do you just fancy it?’

Youseethethingis · 30/12/2019 15:10

@Dipsydoodle
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
The most balanced, fair and sensible post on the thread IMHO.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/12/2019 15:11

Honestly 12 is plenty old enough to spend his money on what he wants. This is the stuff that long held resentments are made of. You need to loosen the control over this. Pick your battles. This is not one of them.

AnneElliott · 30/12/2019 15:12

YANBU. You should give him some to spend on plastic tat with the rest being saved.

Original poster
Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 15:13

To answer some questions:

From the GPs he got gifts and money! Gifts that he requested, I purchased and they reimbursed me for. It’s really a double whammy as his birthday is so close. Plus he had a birthday party, and he got money / vouchers from the friends that came too. Vouchers are easier - they are earmarked for spending as he likes.

We already have long term savings in his behalf. I wouldn’t expect him to save for cars / driving lessons / etc now.

I totally accept that IABU to be snooty about him buying what I see as “tat”. I regret that and have apologised for that.

Loads of different approaches here. Thanks all

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 30/12/2019 15:15

I'm strongly reminded of my DS blowing about £70 (i.e. his entire C'mas and b'day money) on Pokemon cards, which were then banned by school. I was almost tempted to go down the "you must save it" route, but went down the "when it's gone, it's gone" route instead. This particulr DC is no wiser about saving now, and he's 18.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 15:15

We usually set an amount to be 'blown' right away so they could have that 'joy' of spending gift money. Then we had our DC 'sit' on the rest of it for a bit to give them time to think whether or not there was something they really wanted. Normally it served as a 'cooling off period' and at the end they'd usually remembered or decided on something they'd been wanting other than sweets or something cheap that was going to break or be tossed in a corner.

Shelby2010 · 30/12/2019 15:18

The reason I would push for him to save some is because his birthday is so close to Christmas, so it will be a whole year before he gets anything else.

I would suggest let him spend 125 on things of his choice and 125 to save for a ‘half-Birthday’ in June.

Riojasmoothy · 30/12/2019 15:18

Another vote for 50/50. Save half and let him spend the other (which is still a considerable amount for a child)freely with no input from an adult. Also let him see his saving accumulate so he can get more of an understanding of why he needs to save in life.
It is really a good thing to instill financial sense in children and you can't start too early.

Duckyneedsaclean · 30/12/2019 15:19

If he saves it he'll just piss it away in freshers week when he goes to uni - why shouldn't he enjoy it now?

ForalltheSaints · 30/12/2019 15:19

The plastic tat I object to, not him spending all the money on presents. At least something that will not be in landfill or the bottom of the sea in years to come.

gamerwidow · 30/12/2019 15:23

I let DD(9) spend her present money however she likes. Yes it’s normally spent on a load of crap but she likes it and the moneys there to be enjoyed. I do try to guide her but ultimately the decision is hers on the proviso that when it’s gone it’s gone and I won’t be buying her anything else.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 15:27

If he saves it he'll just piss it away in freshers week when he goes to uni - why shouldn't he enjoy it now?

Why would he?

Purpletigers · 30/12/2019 15:27

Save some and spend some ? I’ve been encouraging my children to have a sensible approach to money since they knew what it was. They’ll appreciate it when they’re older .

TheTruthAboutLove · 30/12/2019 15:33

You have to let him spend it how he sees fit. He’s 12 not 2 and is capable of making his own decisions as to the best way to spend his money.

It’s his money, given as a gift and I really wouldn’t be happy if I was told that my gift money was being put in a savings account against the wishes of the child. If he wants to buy plastic tat then so be it, he’s only young once and when it’s gone it’s gone. Do you think your family members would be happy at their gift having restrictions on it courtesy of the parents?

Gizlotsmum · 30/12/2019 15:37

We put a third of any money they recieve into a savings account. The other 2 thirds we let them spend, we try to steer them towards things/away from tat but they have the final say. They have both brought tat once and now make more considered purchases.

0DimSumMum0 · 30/12/2019 15:39

It's his money it was given to him so he should be able to buy what he likes. Let him treat himself to tat and sweets if that's what he wants. It's once a year!

newbingepisodes · 30/12/2019 15:40

My parents always made us put half of any money we got into the bank and we could have the other half for spending.
But my parents drilled it into us to save up for something "big" rather than spending.
Must have worked as we still save half and save up for "bigger" things as adults.

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