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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 30/12/2019 14:06

We've always had the attitude that's their money. As a result we've created one saver and one spender so I think it very much depends on the personality of the child.
Having said that, our 17 year old spender is getting better at budgeting and saving. He's learnt eventually that once it's gone its gone. He'd have learnt this earlier if he'd run out of money more. I did on occasion have to ask gp's not to be so generous in order to facilitate him running out of money more frequently.

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2019 14:06

Saving would be good

But it is his money - I’d go with the when it’s gone it’s gone approach. It may teach him not to fritter next years!

singleedition · 30/12/2019 14:06

My parents used to put half of anything I got into savings then I could do whatever I liked with the other half but when it was gone it was gone. Used to hate it at the time but looking back it was a good idea really ☺️

meredithgrey1 · 30/12/2019 14:06

Does he get pocket money, and if so how is he with that? If he always spends that as soon as it given and then pesters for more money all the time I'd be less inclined to give him free rein with this money. But if you can see from his pocket money that he's aware that if it's gone it's gone, and is a bit responsible (even if he still spends that on stuff you'd prefer him not to) then I'd be happier to give him this to spend as he likes.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2019 14:07

Let him waste it. Better to do it now with a bit of birthday money than in later life with his wage packet. It's a good lesson that we all have to learn so that we can be sensible adults.

Brefugee · 30/12/2019 14:08

if i had EUR 250 I'd probably be right in the Lego shop…

probably a good idea to give him some and find out if there's a big ticket item that he'd like?

Cuddling57 · 30/12/2019 14:12

Let him do what he wants with his birthday and Christmas money.
It could be the best lesson he ever learns if he spends it all and regrets it.

BillHadersNewWife · 30/12/2019 14:13

50 in the bank and the rest to spend. Encourage him to give a little to charity too. It doesn't need to be a lot...but something. He could choose the charity himself.

Daisy7654 · 30/12/2019 14:13

Let him spend his money on toys and sweets. They're only young for such a little while. You're damaging his childhood. It's not 'crap' stuff to him.

TisTheSeasonForMincePies · 30/12/2019 14:14

I can understand your reasons but I don't think I would hold on to all of it, maybe give a bit so he can spend it on whatever he wishes (tat or not, his choice), I think learning the value of money is important and I don't think he's truly going to learn unless he has some sort of responsibility for it... My parents taught us that once it's gone it's gone so spend wisely, we learned it for ourselves and would even CHOOSE to save some, especially if there was something expensive we wanted or wanted to do.

Josette77 · 30/12/2019 14:14

It's his money.

Noflora · 30/12/2019 14:16

My answer is influenced strongly by the fact that you are receiving money instead of presents because you are abroad and that you forbid 'tat'. His friends most certainly have the latter so of course that is what he wants most. To instill a saving habit he has to see saving as a way to ultimately get what he most wants. So having explained that once it's gone it's gone I think he should learn the hard way, natural consequences.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 14:19

You're damaging his childhood

That’s priceless Grin

ShagMeRiggins · 30/12/2019 14:22

Let him spend how he likes, but guide him with common sense (will you love to play with this in a year?).

Don’t make him save. Suggest it. Make it appealing. Point out the consequences of money blown but the next great thing comes along and there’s no money left to use.

If the relatives had wanted him to save they would have given him a bond or something. It’s their gift to him. We have no idea they wouldn’t have given plastic tat in lieu anyway.

CynthiaRothrock · 30/12/2019 14:22

It's his money to spend as he wishes but I would encourage at least 25% to be saved.
I also teach my dds to look for the best deals and not pay full price if they can avoid it. My 8yr old can haggle with the best of them.

gamerchick · 30/12/2019 14:23

Well would you take presents away for him to have in the future? What's the difference?

It'll make his day just to have a bit of control in his life. They get so little as it is.

EvaHarknessRose · 30/12/2019 14:25

It's just two different parenting styles. He regrets his spending, he learns a valuable lesson. You help him think it through, he learns how to budget and prioritise. Why not go somewhere in the middle - he costs things up and makes a spending proposal, and he chooses how much to place in savings, but you promise to give him future access to it (for anything). Once it's on him he will learn responsibility.

SunshineAngel · 30/12/2019 14:26

When I was younger, I got pocket money, which I was allowed to spend on whatever I wanted. When it came to birthday/Christmas money, I saved 50% and kept 50%. Sometimes I saved more, as I was never the type to spend loads of money, so most could come from pocket money - and as soon as I was 13 I got a paper round which boosted that even more.

It's impossible for kids to know what the future is going to be like, but they WILL be thankful of any savings when they get to uni and their loan doesn't cover their cost of living. I had £3,000 saved by that point, and it was absolutely life changing when I compared myself to my flatmates who had nothing extra at all.

I still had to be careful, as it had to stretch over 3 years, but an extra £1,000 a year meant I could eat without worrying!

peanutbutterandbanana · 30/12/2019 14:26

We've always encouraged our three to save some of their birthday money although by the time they were 12 it was difficult. DD1 and DD2 always put a bit away into a national savings account but DS has always been a spender. Money comes and goes through his fingers like fast flowing water.
At 16 we stopped paying them pocket money and they were encouraged to get a part time job if they wanted cash to spend. Again the DDs have been great at saving (DD2 aged 16 just put £1k into premium bonds this morning from her Saturday job) but DS already has a bad credit history for going overdrawn when he was 16 (he's19). He now finds that a burden and has had to learn to save. Funnily enough he has now opened up an ISA and has started to save properly from his part time work whilst at Uni, so his painful spending habits have been a good lesson.

I'd let him make his own mistakes although YANBU wanting to encourage him to save!

Beautiful3 · 30/12/2019 14:26

I tell mine that they can spend it in what ever they want. Usually they forget about it and I bank it (in their isa).

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 30/12/2019 14:27

I've always lived by '' save 10% of your income'' I think I heard the rich guy in Friends say it. It means you still get to spend most of it but it's a good habit to get into and I also get Dd to save at least 10% of what she is given.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2019 14:28

We (GP and aunts/uncles) transfer money into their accounts for all the next generation at Christmas and Birthdays. We also give very modest

sunshineandshowers21 · 30/12/2019 14:30

my 12 year old gets a lot of pocket money weekly - he gets it from me and his dad, my parents, his great grandma, and my sister. he normally saves it for a few months and then i take him to town when he wants to spend it. i’d never tell him what he can and can’t buy though. it’s his money and he can spend it on what he likes - as long as he knows that when it’s gone it’s gone and he can’t ask for anymore. now days it’s mostly spend on virtual money on his playstation, playstation games, clothes, and hair products. in the past it was stuff like lego and nerf guns.

Dutch1e · 30/12/2019 14:31

Our agreement with DS 8yrs is that he saves 80% of his weekly earnings from chores etc and spends 20% but anything received as gifts is considered a windfall and is entirely up to him to save or spend as he pleases.

Dipsydoodle · 30/12/2019 14:31

It's his. He should spend it how he likes. But if that means he then can't afford something he really wants later on, then that's a learning point for him. Children only learn to manage money if we let them actually manage it. Of course he'll blow it all the first time. Probably the second and third too. But that's part of the learning process so just let him buy what he wants but be firm if he wants anything later that he should have saved it for.