AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

[Watchagotcha]

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

My view is that since the money is given as a gift then the DCs can buy whatever they like with it. Then they can take a pic with the gift they've bought and pop it in the thank-you card.

In your situation op I’d compromise and give him access to £50 now . You are doing the right thing by teaching him the value of money now .
So many people think money will burn a hole in their pockets if it’s not spent as soon as they get it . So many write on here about living pay cheque to pay cheque( with good salaries) , that’s not a future I would choose for my children . Teach him how to approach the concept of money now , he will appreciate it when he’s older .

I think if it's his money you should allow him to spend it. But maybe say he can spend only so much on the little bits he wants and the majority on a couple of bigger purchases. If he doesn't want to save it, I wouldn't force him to.

Very young should not spend that much and it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise. Money sense/management is a very important skill in life and it is never too early to start. Why let them squander good fortune because of immaturity?
We are in the same position as you - away with money as gifts.
Ours spend 20% and save the rest. We opened an account for them. They get statements every month. They are THRILLED with the amount they have saved over the years. There is no doubt that they are learning good habits. They are also thrilled with what they have spent!
I see them now, a few years into this, carefully considering what they spend.

Yanbu. how about doing a 60/40 spending saving. So that he does have a portion to spend on whatever yet still saves. he will appreciate that when hes a teen and needs all sorts of stuff

Spend it, when it's gone it's gone. He'll get more next year. Or task some family with transferring money to a separate account to give him a lump sum when he wants to drive, buy a car etc.

Mine can spend as they like with no requirements to save it. It was given in lieu of a gift so that they can choose their own.

This is why I won’t gift cash to children anymore, parents seem to think they can dictate how it’s spent and what’s worthy. Or in lots of cases spend it themselves.

Childhood is meant to be fun, controlling what toys they can and can’t have they will remember long into adult hood.

I think at 12 he has to start learning how to manage money so I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s better to learn harsh lessons at 12 than at 21. If you lived closer, he’d be getting gifts so I think you’re being extra unreasonable.

If he spends it all on something and later regrets it then lesson learnt. Life lessons are learnt by making mistakes. The money was a gift for him to spend as he wants. He won't learn responsibility if you take control of everything.

I voted YABU but I don't think it's quite a clear cut as that because I wouldn't want my kids blowing that amount of money on plastic tat either.

Could you compromise any maybe let him spend half of it on what he wants and then encourage him to put half of it into an account to put towards a big present he may want in the future such as a games console or a phone or tablet?

If you didn’t live overseas he would have probably got a load of plastic crap and no money.

I would ask him to maybe not spend all of it at once as he might see something he really wants in a few months time but if he chooses to ignore you then I don’t think you can stop him

I know it is hard but it might be better for him to get the spending bug out of his system when it is only €250 per year whilst he is young than to leave the itch to spend money until he starts working and the stakes are a lot higher.

When the money is gone it is gone and he can’t borrow any more.

That's just too much money to have free spending rein. I let DS spend some birthday money on V bucks but he usually gets about £40 max so he'd spend £20 on V bucks and £20 on something else. It's fine for him to want to buy new Xbox games or whatever but that should be limited.
If I were you I'd say he can spend £50 on crap, save £100 and keep £100 aside for a proper thing that he really wants - fancy trainers, something for his bedroom or whatever

Hmmm...I think children need to learn how to save but also how to spend money.

My dc had some Christmas money & pocket money (under £50 each) & they had to think about it a bit. We looked on amazon & I added stuff to my basket & said if they still wanted tomorrow I'd order it. No one decided to order!

We to the shops & they spent a bit (DD spent all of hers but she had the least).

They've played with the things they bought (DD lego, DS1 a rc car, DS2 a nerf type gun with target) & are happy to save any leftover money for now.

My kids get a ridiculous amount of money for birthdays and Christmas. Most goes into their accounts however they are complaining (mostly the 16 year old) that their phones are old. We will not get them a contract and therefore suggested they use their Christmas money to buy new iPhone 11's. It was a suggestion and they are both now getting new phones. I would rather they buy something useful than tat. Would also like them to save it but they already have savings especially the 14 year old.

YABU
It is his birthday money to buy what he wants with it. I would instead focus on teaching him how to bargain hunt. So he can get what he wants for cheaper. This is an important skill to learn. We never were dismissive of toys or sweets, those are for childhood and to deny him his childhood is pretty grim imho.

As for saving. You cannot teach saving by controlling his money. It will just mean he will be less likely to save as an adult because you did it for him instead of him doing it on his own. All we did was chat with the kids and suggest, how about not spending all of your money now. Is there a video game coming out in a few months you want? Or do you want to one day buy a phone? So, dear son, Set some of the money aside for this future thing you want. You teach saving by teaching planning future purchases. That video game coming out in May is just like saving for a house on a smaller scale.

What was the money given for - to buy presents or to save

Because if it’s to buy presents then he should get what he wants. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it lacks value. It’s a character trait I can’t stand the view that because it holds no value for them it holds no value

I think if they had regular pocket money then they would have learnt already about making wise choices so you can't blame them when they want to blow the lot if they don't have regular access to money.

I think you are being extremely unreasonable.
Everyone needs to learn how to manage their money. And to make some mistakes in the process. There are many variables people need to consider when making a purchase. Cost of an item, necessity, enjoyment, how much it will be use, what else could serve same purpose (as in if it is for entertainment what else could be use for entertainment), status it gives you (yeah, remember collecting cards). Purchasing is very intellectually and emotionally demanding.
Your child could ask for something more expensive and ask/nagg you. VR anyone? Oculus maybe? As a cheaper option to other VR?
I think children should be able to spend their money however they wish, exception being only stuff that you deem farmfull ( alcohol, vaping,...). If purchase will end up being something what your child will regret, don't say 'i told you so', and consider is as a cheap lesson.
I know an adult who bought a residential property 30 metres from highway. Nobody could ever sleep there. No double, triple, quadruple, no kind of glazing could help. And nobody else wants to buy it. Now, that is a bad purchase!

My son's pocket money goes into the bank(£30 a month). I don't tell him what he can or can't buy but I do try to influence it.

For example he asks: "can I have a Nintendo switch" I say I'm not buying another games console (he has an xbox) but you can save for one if you like. So he considers saving for a Nintendo switch. But, he really likes travel and he really likes music so then I drop in ...a Nintendo switch is £230 (or whatever) you and dad could get cheap flights to France for that.... (he hasn't ever actually paid for a trip himself but has took a bit of spending money or paid for an extra excursion when away).

So basically I try to influence him by giving him ideas of the lovely and exciting things that he could do with his money rather than buying "stuff". If he insisted on the "stuff" (like really wanted it) I would support him to get it and I wouldn't bang on and taint it when he had made his decision.

For his recent birthday we and my parents were able to go in together to buy him an electric guitar (around £100), he pooled all his other birthday money to get an amp and got his pocket money out the bank to buy an app to learn how to play it.

In the past he has also spent his own money taking his dad out for pizza and bowling for father's day. His dad didn't want to accept this and wanted to pay but I encouraged him to accept as it feels good to treat someone and he gets plenty of treats himself.

I think any long term savings are up to us (not put in his own bank) and I wouldn't do this with birthday money unless the giver has requested it.

YABU, it’s his money to spend.

It might be sensible to save it, but he doesn’t want to. He hasn’t thought about what he might want it for. This is his lesson to learn.

I would encourage saving towards either a specific thing, or just for a rainy day, but I don’t just not allow it.

I think it’s totally wrong for you to try and put it into a savings account he can’t get to. If you want long term savings to be his gifts from whom ever then you should tell the gift givers that.

His money his choices.
Although I think I might suggest he has it in installments unless there is something more expensive he wants.
My DD gets to spend her money as she pleases. Interestingly she's a natural saver. She's just got her first proper bank account and I pay her pocket money in directly. She's very frugal!

Okay so some great ideas here.

DS struggles to come up with saving goals - he has never been into toys, and TBH that's one reason why I was grumpy about him spending money on plastic stuff now: I can guarantee that I'll be dusting the dust off them in a couple of weeks, and he'll have forgotten they exist soon after that. However, I totally take the point that he'll only learn to regret spending on this (if he does) by making the mistake - I can't make it for him, and just nagging him or criticising his choices just makes him feel crap. I'm not going to do that any more.

I think suggesting that if he can save some money towards a better phone in a year or two though, that would be a real motivation to keep some money back. He's got a crappy old IPhone of mine just now. The suggestion that we'd meet him halfway on an upgrade within an achievable timeline would motivate him, I'm sure.

This is a bit OT but do none of you saying "let him spend it on what he likes" have any concerns about the enormous amount of plastic waste the toy industry generates? I really thought there would be more people pointing this out, but I think there has only been one post mentioning that so far.

Cheers all.

Ideally I would try and convince him to save half to a third. But ultimately it's his money and it will give him a lot of pleasure choosing toys , you may not like them but that's not the point the money is for gifts for him. Mind you if a toy he wanted had a particularly bad reviews and was likely to cause disappointment I would show him the reviews and try and convince him.to choose something else. As others have said if he had been given gifts rather than Xmas money you could have ended up.with a lot more plastic tat!

Don't use the environment as an excuse not to let him buy plastic tat

We always said pocket money and birthday money was to buy all the things we wouldn't normally buy.

I'd let him spend some of it! It's not very fair otherwise. Maybe 75 euros on crap and the rest in savings?