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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 30/12/2019 13:56

If you lived in the same country as your relatives they likely would just have given him the plastic tat directly rather than using money as the middle man.

twoshedsjackson · 30/12/2019 13:56

I agree with him learning now, while you're still around in a real emergency (unlikely!) that when it's gone, it's gone.
The possibilities for stupidly blowing it will be far greater in a short time.
Better to have no money for sweeties and comics now, than being given notice for non-payment of rent after having a wild old time in Freshers' Week with your student loan, because you hadn't realised that it had to last the term.

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 13:57

Yeah I would supervise the spending.
Save some. Buy something good ( I don’t know what he’s in to ) waste some on sweets and tat.

SomethingSpecialzz · 30/12/2019 13:57

I would save half in the bank account, but only until summer as having birthday and Christmas close together is a pain 🤷‍♀️

peachypetite · 30/12/2019 13:57

Can’t believe people are saying let him spend it all on crap. We always got a lot of money growing up from relatives and my mum would save some and let us have x amount to spend. If she hadn’t don’t this there is no way my sis or I would have had money for our first flat deposits.

geekone · 30/12/2019 13:57

My DS is 9 and also likes to save.

I think the issue is you seem to poo poo any toys he likes and maybe if you had just got him the odd “plastic tat” as you called it he might not be so determined to buy loads of it.

I think teaching him the value of money, letting him spend some and putting the rest in a piggy bank until he wants football boots or trainers or other expensive items would be best.

museumum · 30/12/2019 13:58

He should get to spend at least half IMO.
Otherwise it’s like your dh giving you £50 in your pension for your birthday. Not exactly fun.

geekone · 30/12/2019 13:58

Also there is nothing wrong with starwars bobble heads, can’t beat pop cap Xmas Blush

MissusMaker · 30/12/2019 13:58

Any time DS is given money above £10 I encourage him to do the 1/3 rule: 1/3 to save, 1/3 to charity and 1/3 to spend without guilt or influence from me. The savings go into his bank account unless he is saving up for something in which case it might stay in a money box, the charity is kept in a specific money box and he decides what form the charity should take - this year for the harvest festival the school were collecting for a local food bank and sent out a list of items they wanted so he decided to buy one of each thing :)

He's 7.

Lucyccfc68 · 30/12/2019 13:59

Children have to be taught how to manage money. This means guidance from parents.

My DS has always received a fair amount of money from relatives. He has 2 bank accounts. 1 for long term savings and 1 for instant access. I always split his money between the 2 and every so often would show him what he had in his long term savings.

At 14 he is delighted with the amount of savings he has and is proud of the amount. He has seen the value of this. This year (as he is 14), I asked him what he wanted to do with the money he received. He chose to put £350 in long term savings and £50 in his normal account.

He uses his normal account to save up for football shirts, PlayStation games and the odd Macdonalds meal.

His cousin has been given access to all his Chistmas and birthday money from being young. He has no savings and blows the whole lot on plastic tat and sweets. He has never been taught how to save or encouraged.

Ilovellamas · 30/12/2019 14:00

It’s his money, you may think it’s a waste to spend it on plastic tat, but he may get a lot of pleasure out of it. Then if and when he finds something else later on that he can’t afford, it will teach him the value of money. The only embargo I put on pocket money spending is no sweets, but once it’s gone it’s gone, they have to learn.

megletthesecond · 30/12/2019 14:00

I've always tried to stop them wasting their money. At the very least I try and get then to save £30 or so.

DS is really good now and appreciates squirrelling the rest of his money away to save for something nicer later down the line.
DD still has a tendency to fritter and regrets it within hours. Then has a meltdown.

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 14:02

Spending all your money on “crap” then having nothing to spend for months on end is a very good way of learning its value. Are you going to try and dictate how he spends his first pay cheque? It’s his money, let him do what he likes with it.

If he had a small amount every month to spend as he pleases, you wouldn’t have this dilemma now.

Sn0tnose · 30/12/2019 14:02

he can learn to spend / save sensibly. But he isn’t learning anything other than he needs to hide future monetary gifts before you see them and decide what he’ll be doing with it. You’re imposing your wishes on him; you’re not trying to teach him the benefits of saving.

What about talking to him about the benefits of spending half and saving half?

81Byerley · 30/12/2019 14:03

I think the save a third, spend a third on something you really want, and fritter a third is a good rule.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 30/12/2019 14:03

We were brought up with spend half and save half, but it was started from day one so it was just normal to us, harder to start at 12.

We could spend half on whatever rubbish we wanted, but tbh we often didn't end up spending much

The three of us have done it with our children as well as we think it's a good compromise, and all DC happily bank half (we can open an account when they are born though) and spend half or less

Bookiewook · 30/12/2019 14:04

YANBU - I wish my parents had been a bit more hands on in teaching me about money. I used to spend on complete nonsense (aged 17-27 ish). I'm now about to turn 37 and would say I've been responsible with my money for about 5 years during a high earning period and am now in a great financial position relatively speaking. However it is galling to think about where I could be if I had been a bit more focussed a bit earlier! My parents never mentioned pensions, ISAs, stock markets, or anything else to me until I was in my 30s despite being well versed in these matters themselves.

Nat6999 · 30/12/2019 14:04

Yes 250 Euros is a lot of money but the individual amounts that he has been given probably aren't very big. Friends & family have given him money so that he can choose his own gift, not for you to dictate that the money goes in the bank. If I had sent a cash gift, I would feel angry that you are dictating what should be your child's choice on what the money is spent on & next year I would put the money on a gift card so that the child could make his own choice.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 14:04

Would you stop her if she wanted to blow it all on something fun though? Force her to put it into savings that she wouldn’t see again for years to come? Personally I wouldn’t

I suppose that’s the benefit of starting doing it when she was small. She’s currently got loads in the bank but always has enough to buy what she wants immediately. It’s second nature to her.

JKScot4 · 30/12/2019 14:04

There are really people who don’t allow
their DC any of their birthday ££? If it was a gift would you take it back for a refund? Very controlling parents, you’re not allowing your child any enjoyment of choosing their gift and also it’s not teaching them to budget as you’re controlling it all.
I think 1/3 to charity for a 7 yr old is a bit much, can people let their DC make decision/choices as they do learn from that; even if it blowing the lot!

HeckyPeck · 30/12/2019 14:05

What about talking to him about the benefits of spending half and saving half?

Spend half, save half sounds like a fair compromise.

pjmask · 30/12/2019 14:05

Let him get what he wants. If you lived near family he would probably have received the plastic tat you don't want him to have, would you make him take it back and save the money? He's only ended up with so much money because you're overseas

georgialondon · 30/12/2019 14:05

You're only a kid once. Let him buy what he wants. I still haven't forgotten my parents refusing to let me have a mr frosty for Xmas because it was plastic tat. But it was plastic tat that I really really wanted. I still remember the disappointment!

GymBunny2020 · 30/12/2019 14:05

A perfect time to teach him the trusty rule spend half and save half

FabbyChix · 30/12/2019 14:06

His money not your business how he spends
It