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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

192 replies

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 08:55

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 08:57

It depends do they have a decent amount of their own money?

Did the ex refuse to take them shopping? Did you tell the ex you thought you should still do Christmas presents for each other?

Perhaps he presumes you werent.

Splitting up is a difficult time for kids and maybe they just werent sure what to do.

Timmythatyou · 30/12/2019 08:58

That’s thoughtless. At that age I was choosing gifts for my parents, wouldn’t even have to be anything big either. My mum was happy with a new book bought with my own money. Or ‘vouchers’ I gave her for foot rubs or doing the dishes or whatever that cost nothing.
Tell them, don’t let it fester.

TuppenceDarling · 30/12/2019 08:59

Would they have thought to get their dad something without you facilitating it?

churchandstate · 30/12/2019 08:59

Do they have access to money to buy you something?

I’d tell them, very gently, and next year.

Original poster
ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 09:00

They have plenty of disposable income! Ex gives them a lot of pocket money.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 30/12/2019 09:01

The problem is you haven't taught them to do this. Theure 12 and 14 and you still took them out to get gifts for your ex-husband. Why didn't you suggest that they go and do that themselves?

If you're never going to tell them to do things for themselves then they wont. You made it seem like every other year; you took care of it for them. They will have thought dad will do that same and if he doesnt then oh well. You need to be teaching them to be independent and remind them they've got to do these things themselves.

CherryPavlova · 30/12/2019 09:01

I wouldn’t make them feel guilty but I might remind them it was my birthday approaching when it gets nearer the time.

whatnameshallitbethistime · 30/12/2019 09:02

My 12 yo will go and get stuff for me off her own back. She also insists on
Paying for it from her pocket money and not getting money from me.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 09:02

But unless someone tells them its now their responsibility, they are unlikely to have thought about saving some.

You and your ex need to talk about what you are doing for Christmas and birthdays. If you want them to take the responsibility, when it's always been someone elses, tell them.

I am sure your kids are generally decent and so didnt do this on purpose.

Ricekrispie22 · 30/12/2019 09:03

YANBU. If they didn’t have the means of buying a present, they could have made something, even if it was a ‘voucher’ for breakfast in bed etc....!

Original poster
ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 09:03

Tuppence - unlikely, to be fair. But that's almost not the point - I get that they've had parental input up til now. But I still can't help thinking they are old enough to have noticed that ex didn't help them go shopping.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2019 09:03

I was making crappy home made presents for my parents from age 6 and spending my pocket money on presents for them from around age 9.

Do they get pocket money? Maybe your ex thinks they’re of an age to sort it themselves? I certainly wouldn’t have needed prompting at their age.

I think you could have raised the subject with them in a jokey way at the time - “hey, where’s MY present, ha, ha, ha?” I’d still mention it though.

Did they get you anything for your birthday this year?

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2019 09:05

Crosspost: they DO get pocket money. Bit crap then, on the face of it.

azigazigah · 30/12/2019 09:05

I wouldn't but I'd maybe do a calendar or list with them and suggest they take responsibility for buying gifts for you and dad now that they're old enough and have their own money. (Could dad have said this money I'm giving you isn't to be spent on mum).

Wallywobbles · 30/12/2019 09:05

I think I was about that age when I have nothing to my mum for her birthday and got nothing in return at mine. The shock really hit home. 36 years later I've not forgotten again.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 30/12/2019 09:09

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lulualla · 30/12/2019 09:09

When you've got a 14 year old with their own money and its unlikely they'd have bought a bought for their dad and they didn't bother to get one for you then you've gone wrong somewhere.

You need to stop doing everything for them. But you've got to tell them that they have to sort this out.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 09:09

I'd be heartbroken. My kids loved making/buying presents from a very young age. How can a12 and 14 year old get through the run up to Christmas without it occurring to them to buy their mum a present?

Yes, I'd say something. It would have been easier to do so on the day, of course, but I can see why you didn't.

RoseMartha · 30/12/2019 09:10

I would just have a quick casual chat to them and explain that you do a lot for them and dad used to buy a gift they could give you at Mothers day and your birthday and Christmas. But now they are old enough to buy a small gift for you themselves and you were a bit hurt they forgot at Christmas but you thought about it and decided that perhaps they just didn't realise, hence the chat.

Dawninglory · 30/12/2019 09:10

If they have plenty of money Op, they are old enough to get birthday and xmas presents for Mum, Dad and each other. And to budget their money to afford it.

NC4this123 · 30/12/2019 09:11

We actually did this one year to my mum and made her cry 😔 but in our defence our parents had only been split up a few years and we genuinely didn’t give it a second thought! No malice in it at all, I’d tell them but nicely so they know for next time, I was devastated when she said 😔

BillywilliamV · 30/12/2019 09:12

Yep, I told mine just how pissed off Id be if I didn’t get anything. I got something! They need to be told!

Original poster
ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 09:14

Lulualla - yeh I do agree with you, I've enabled their uselessness. Still feel hurt tho...

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 30/12/2019 09:14

Dd13 toddled off and bought presents. A notebook for me because I am a list gal and chocs for gp’s, uncles etc. she got something for dh, too, I just can’t remember what.

Also did secret santa with mates.

If your kids have independence enough and pocket money enough, they should be sorting themselves out imo.

backouch · 30/12/2019 09:15

Why do you expect a present? I don't expect it from my eldest who is about that age - but I do expect lovely behaviour, kindness, happiness to be included in family activities and generally a lovely day. A present would be nice of course, but certainly not expected.

If it means so much to you I suggest you chat to them, or just check they have enough money to buy their presents that should prompt them!

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