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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

192 replies

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 08:55

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

OP posts:
Luaa · 30/12/2019 09:16

My 9 year old thought her dad didn't have enough presents (because his main present wasn't something to open) so she wrapped him up some chocolate she was given at school. So I would expect a 12 and 14 year old to be aware enough to think what's mum getting for Christmas and maybe we should get her something.

OceanSunFish · 30/12/2019 09:18

I honestly think that most kids of this age wouldn't spontaneously think of this themselves if they've never had to in the past. Mine probably wouldn't, despite being generally good kids. Gentle hint needed next time!

HandsOffMyRights · 30/12/2019 09:18

My two 13 (nearly 14 year olds) don't buy me anything, but I wouldn't expect it as an adult at Christmas.

But if you were expecting something then I understand your disappointment.

Lionsleepstonight · 30/12/2019 09:18

I think you give them a heads up next year, I'd be heartbroken at 12 to hear my mum had expected a gift 5 days later. Or maybe have a word with your ex?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/12/2019 09:19

I would not tell them. The split probably had them confused and unsure of what to do. The last thing they need is to be told that they are useless and failing at being your children.

Dontdisturbmenow · 30/12/2019 09:20

My kids didn't start to get me things until they were both working and earning their own money so at 16. I never expected them to get me anything.

WeeDangerousSpike · 30/12/2019 09:22

I don't think yabu to be upset. It's crap you didn't get a present.

But. You clearly knew (even without it being a fully formed thought perhaps?) that they wouldn't get exH anything if you hadn't taken them - or you wouldn't have taken them. Did you also pay for his gifts?

So it follows that if you didn't expect them to independently get him gifts, then you can't expect anything different for you.

And you know where you stand now with ex in terms of this sort of stuff. It could have gone either way, it's just unfortunate that you were misaligned in expectations this time.

However. At their ages it's not at all U to expect them to show some thought and initiative. It sounds like they've never had to, so not entirely their fault, but it wouldn't hurt at all to let them know they need to be a bit more switched on about this sort of stuff. Tbh, even if you were still together they're getting to the ages where they should be being more independent, a 14 Yr old should surely have the ability and awareness to enjoy the process of choosing a gift and giving a surprise to make someone happy. Even my 3 Yr old enjoyed handing out presents on Xmas day! (despite announcing she wanted all the presents Grin)

Are they generally thoughtless in a 'mum'll do it' way OP? I know I was as a teen, and lots are, but it may be this is a symptom of a larger attitude issue that's more noticeable and unsustainable now that your circs have changed.

AJPTaylor · 30/12/2019 09:23

I gave mine a tenner each at that age to buy me a gift ( they only had a tenner a week pocket money)

saraclara · 30/12/2019 09:24

I honestly think that most kids of this age wouldn't spontaneously think of this themselves if they've never had to in the past.
Seriously? The world and his wife and kids are out Christmas shopping in every town, the TV is full of adverts for Christmas gifts, and every year until now they've bought their mum a gift (albeit under supervision) and it doesn't occur to them that they should get a gift for their mum? At 12 and 14?

dontmentionbookclub · 30/12/2019 09:25

I'd be really upset, like you, but try not to make too big a thing about it and just make sure next time will work out better. They are looking to you to set up this new situation they are in, maybe and they have got it wrong but that's something you can help them sort out. I'm guessing they are boys?

Original poster
ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 09:29

Grin dontmentionbookclub! Yep.

OP posts:
kmammamalto · 30/12/2019 09:30

I can't believe how many people think this would be ok! Of course a 14 year old is old enough to think of buying his bloody mum a Christmas present! I didn't get lots of pocket money but can clearly remember spending days working on a nice charcoal drawing or making something for my parents. I would have been mortified to not get them anything!
I also work with teens and don't think I've met many that would lack the awareness to know that parents get presents too! It is a good lesson for them to hear how it makes you feel think.

Dollymixture22 · 30/12/2019 09:31

I can see why this would hurt. Next year don’t take them shopping for their dad. Tell them on 1 December they will need to make sure they have their Christmas shopping done.

candycane222 · 30/12/2019 09:31

Coming up to yours and exes birthdays remind them perhaps, but this time don't take them shopping for you obvs, but not for him either?

Do they buy each other gifts? Time to start, juat sweets or pockwt money toys, but its about the thought and the organisation/ responsibility, more. An ongoing process so when they are adults with their own money and access to shopping, they're 'in the swing' - especially important for male dcs judging from some threads on here!

Original poster
ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 09:31

Just to state, I have not given them a hard time over it, I get that they are used to being assisted...but they are teenagers now! Gentle pointers is the way to go.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 30/12/2019 09:32

I'd be more matter of fact
"Dc things have changed now. So I suggest you put a bit of pocket money aside each month for family birthday and Xmas presents. You need to arrange to go shopping. I took you to get something for your dad but I'm your parent too, and I'd have loved to have had something to open too"

Frenchw1fe · 30/12/2019 09:34

Tell them they can take you out for coffee and cake this week as a late Xmas gift.

Menora · 30/12/2019 09:35

I would be upset yes. My DC give me gifts and before that my ex would buy me something from them

Obligatorync · 30/12/2019 09:36

I think I'd leave it this year, but next year when you start your Christmas shopping I'd give them a nudge.

ErickBroch · 30/12/2019 09:42

To be fair they've never had to do it before and they probably assumed their dad was just sorting it... they are still quite young and probably didn't think of all the possible outcomes! You've let them know now so I am sure next year they will know :)

TreeSwayer · 30/12/2019 09:43

Please don't make out all teeange boys are thoughtless. My 16 year old son secretly added a thought I had had about a Christmas gift probably back in September to his phone so he wouldn't forget. He then got Dh to help him get it for me. It probably cost less than £10. He and his brother 13 also bought Dh and I a 20th wedding anniversary card without being prompted.

If they are used to being part of getting you a gift then it should have been very obvious to them when you were with them buying your ex a gift from them that they needed to get one for you too. I wonder if they mentioned it at all to their Dad.

Notodontidae · 30/12/2019 09:46

Someone has to show the right the thing to do, not tell tales about each parent, remind DCs of BDs etc, and you are doing all the right things. It could be that ex was overwhelmed by events leading up to Christmas; not much of an excuse I know. Continue to act in a civil and mature way, and express your disapointment to DCs only, not your ex. There is nothing to stop them making a card or indeed a gift, to show their love, YANBU, they should indeed have got off their bums.
The separation will still be raw even after a year, carry on showing love to DC and I wish you a Happy New Year.

Louise91417 · 30/12/2019 09:47

Boys always tend to need a nudge in this direction...maybe the fact that you bought your ex and they are aware of this will mean they will be more prepared next time. My exh and i always buy each other from kids but dd tends to keep me off her xmas shopping list with the assumption her dad will sort a present for meHmm

HoppingPavlova · 30/12/2019 09:48

Lots of these threads around at the moment.
Never expected mine to get us anything at that age. Now young adults and older teens and still don’t expect them to get us anything because we finance them, uni etc. Don’t expect them to use any minor pin money they earn on us. Once they start career work, get feet under desk and established earning decent money then I will expect a thoughtful and decent gift every year without failGrin. But now, it would be a gift essentially purchased with my own money, which seems to defeat the purpose somewhat and seems odd.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 09:51

Boys always tend to need a nudge in this direction

Nothing to do with being boys ffs. My boy is 11 and insists on getting me presents. He earns the money to buy presents. This is about children not being taught to consider others or value their mother.