To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

[ConfidenceCrisis44]

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

They would only do it if they were guided to do so and did it every year

Is anyone thinking that dcs father may have TOLD them ‘your mum and I have split up so we won’t be shopping for her present like in past years”.

This isn’t a regular question about should kids buy presents for parents, it’s about kids whose parents have split up and this is their first Christmas without being helped to get their parents presents.

It’s different. The dc are already dealing with their impending first split Christmas. Really hard for them.

If their dad told them he wouldn’t be taking them then they would have not expected this so won’t have saved. How could the kids know that this annual ritual would change. They are kids.

Plus him saying that he won’t be helping them (if he said that) could really stump them. They’ve no money. They can’t ask their mum for money. They can’t tell her about this as it’s her surprise present. You can just hear their thoughts ‘What do we do. This is difficult. We can’t ask mum. Dad won’t help Let’s just do nothing. OK.’

That’s awful op, where they with you an Xmas day?

This is thoughtless and hurtful, especially after you took them to get things for your ex. you should tell them how hurt you feel, they need know and ask them why they didn’t buy you anything when they always have before (albeit with ex’s help) .

When my ex left, I used to drive mine to the shops, (we live in a rural location) and give them money and tell them to go and buy me a present. Also did this for my birthday and Mother’s Day. Now they are older, the eldest two do everything by themselves, the younger ones ask me when I can take them to the shops and are always on the look out near Xmas. I have taught them how important thoughtful presents are, the need to buy paper and wrap. (My ex always asked me for my paper to wrap my presents!)

They all now really enjoy giving me presents, they buy me lovely presents, send gorgeous cards with kind words, little pictures etc but I have shown them amend also shown them how happy their input makes me. I wouldn’t leave things to chance or rely on your ex to organise.

I would take them to the shops now and say they need to get you something now, give them the opportunity to make amends.

YABU. How the heck are they supposed to know what the gift giving protocol is with divorced parents? They are led by you and your ex, who did not coordinate with each other. How about you and your ex act like the grownups in the room and take responsibility for deciding what to do about gifts from the children going forward instead of being angry with your kids for not being wiser than their parents? Do not blame them - your ex is the one who should have arranged this and didn't. I'm sure the girls feel uncomfortable and unsure about it at this point, as they doubtless do about many things. Leave them alone and address it with their dad on the basis that it isn't fair to leave them in an awkward position.

FWIW my husband organised gifts from his older kids to their mother (his ex) gradually withdrawing as they got older. At that age, he was taking them out to pick things. Later he would just consult and advise and maybe drop them to the shops. By the time their were in their mid-late teens it was just reminding them and making sure they had money. At 12 and 14 though he was still helping them directly.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset, but it would be unreasonable to be cross with them. Just have a gentle chat about how you’re a little hurt but you understand that things are different this year. My partner and I give my 6 year old £15 and take him shopping to pick out whatever he wants to buy us - we start asking him what he might like to get the other one in November. This year he picked grudge magnets, a can of coke, and a CD for me. A nerf gun, can of energy drink, and aero mint chocolate for my partner. 2 bottles of beer and a robo-alive snake for his Dad. He also took it upon himself to wrap up a mini bag of haribo each in lined writing paper when he was supposed to be colouring in the kitchen. Your kids should be capable of picking things out for you with minimal prompting. Just give them a nudge.

Blah1881 Quite the one for making assumptions. Do you think you have the moral high ground because you don't want any presents.

To call the OP childish and accuse her of being huffy shows you miss the point. The OP said she was hurt which is quite different from huffy. She had taken the girls to choose gifts for their Father, yet neither had thought 'what about mum' It's not about buying tat,. MY 12 years bought me lovely small things neither of which were tat. The OP'S girls could have just as easily made her something.

As for your smug ' I would rather have their time and company' at 4, 6 and 13' they don't have much choice do they. Let's hope they feel the same in the 20 years time.

Mine are exactly the same age and are the same. We kind of insisted that we wanted something from them this year. They've got my presents after several hints ( two books from a series I am reading) but I had to help them a lot with their dad presents as they really didn't know what to get. I suppose it's another thing we need to teach them. I think you are probably more today with your ex for not making the same effort as you. I wouldn't say nothing but on the lead up to next gift giving occasion give them hints on advance so they understand you are expecting something. They are still learning

YANBU to be hurt but there are many issues as voiced by others.

You can start by not buying your ex a present as it's not reciprocated. You could also ask if there's a reason they didn't buy you a present and how would they feel if you didn't buy them any?

It is as the saying goes, the thought that counts and they fact they don't think enough of you to buy you a token gift is crummy.... my DD is 14 and has been buying me crimbo presents for years; usually Harry Potter socks which I love and cost no more than a few quid from Primark. My favourite present hands down.

Your kids need to be taught as it's a social skill so get teaching.

My mum facilitated gift buying from my dd but I was a single parent, xp was a useless individual....
I now buy for dd from dgc (to ensure the dd gets a present from them because her partner is a useless individual 🙄).
Can you ask your mum to prompt them if you think their father isn't going to help?
I know my dd did this to me one mother's day (she was old enough to sort her own stuff by then). I was devastated 😔

My DH is useless at things like this. My 9 year old took his own money when we went shopping one day and got me a pair of slippers. He hid them in the basket and made me shut my eyes at the cash desk while the lady bagged them and he paid. My 13 yr old daughter who also gets pocket money didn't bother getting me anything. She realised on Christmas Eve and wrote me a beautiful poem. I loved both presents. What I am trying to say is that if you can, cultivate a habit that even if they don't have money or no-one reminds them or takes them out to buy you something, it is very important to you that you get at least a token from them on special days like birthdays and Christmas just so you know they are thinking of you.

My husband didn't bother buying me anything, well he did get me two chocolate oranges. I've never been so hurt, I must have spend something in the region of £300 on him and he didn't even buy a card. Ruined my Christmas Day, he then announced that the TV he'd talked about getting after Christmas was going to be my present, it's for our Lounge girls, what do you think of that. Me, I'm disgusted and believe me he's not getting anything next year.

* Me, I'm disgusted and believe me he's not getting anything next year.*

On second day of the year you have decided to hold a grudge for best part of 2020z

What a shit way to live

@Maz54 are you still going to be with him next year

@BrokenWing, well said, but also that is her opinion; it doesn't really address the OP question though. @lovemenorca, liked your comment, I imagine she buys Xmas presents in the January sales, so if she doesn't get anything now, he will be going without by Xmas 2020, where she can rekindle her grudge.

Haven't read the whole thread as obviously it's long. I think YANBU to sort out present buying for their dad but then also expect them to be sorting out their presents themselves, either you expect them to take responsibility or you don't. I'd have a word with them suggesting they take responsibility from now on, but you can't express annoyance in retrospect about something you've decided they should have done differently but hadn't discussed with them.

Wondering if OP is going to come back?