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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

192 replies

ConfidenceCrisis44 · 30/12/2019 08:55

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 30/12/2019 12:59

Could one of your parents or siblings remind them in future? Someone who actually cares about you, rather than hoping your ex will do it?

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/12/2019 13:00

What’s their pocket money for if it’s not for circumstances like buying Christmas presents at Christmas?

I should think the mindset of most children is that their pocket money is for them and them alone, judging by this thread anyway. ☹️

FishCanFly · 30/12/2019 13:14

I should think the mindset of most children is that their pocket money is for them and them alone, judging by this thread anyway. ☹️

Where do they get their pocket money from? Parents (maybe an odd cash gift from other adults). And at least it our family, they're supposed to be for expenses such as phone top-ups, bus fares, school stuff, food/drinks when out - things you'd end paying for anyway.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 30/12/2019 13:15

@JaceLancs your post brought a wee tear to my eye there.

NoncePieforSanta · 30/12/2019 13:18

That's selfish and very thoughtless at their age, frankly - particularly as you've said your ex gives them generous pocket money: I would mention it, yes - in a calm, "this is hurtful" way.

KC225 · 30/12/2019 13:29

Something like this OP

To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?
MintyMabel · 30/12/2019 13:33

My ten year old made sure her dad got the presents for me.

Certainly at 14 they should be taking the initiative, even if it is to say to you they want to buy something but don’t have the money.

halcyondays · 30/12/2019 13:39

Let it go for now but drop very strong hints before your birthdayXmas next year.

And remind them about presents for their dad but let them go and buy them themselves.

billy1966 · 30/12/2019 15:35

This about the art of giving and thinking of someone else.

A bar of my favourite Cadbury bar from my 5 year old, after he asked to borrow money from his Dad, when I was ill one time, is a really sweet memory for me, because he thought of me.

There is nothing wrong with gently but firmly encouraging thoughtfulness in our children.
Where else will they learn it, if not from home?

Notodontidae · 30/12/2019 20:03

@billy1966. I totally agree with you, one of the most sensible posts I have come across, and as I mentioned earlier, the children can make a card if they are short of cash, it is the thought that counts?

JaceLancs · 31/12/2019 00:58

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer
They are fab DC and often tear me up - especially at the moment having lost my Dad 8 weeks ago
Funny thing with DD taking DM Xmas shopping though! She asked me what I wanted - I asked for a nice candle - later said well you won’t be getting what you expected lol!
Next time I saw DM she said to me - do you want this? It was a jigsaw - she said I’ve no idea where this came from - I might’ve won it in the church raffle - you like jigsaws don’t you?
On way home I messaged DD - was my surprise present a jigsaw? It was Lol
DD said I can’t believe Gran did that - but I’m taking her shopping again (cue get me a candle)
On Xmas day I duly received a candle under tree 😊
Later that day DM came round with a present for me! (Some dried apricots and nuts)
I have no idea what goes through her mind with dementia but am grateful she cares enough to try and even remembers I’m gluten free and on a diet

Menora · 31/12/2019 08:00

I did not want to brag when I first posted but this is not the case for all kids at all that they are automatically selfish
DD is 17 and has a job, she saved up £200 and bought her entire family gifts. She got me some really thoughtful sweet gifts by going through my stuff and seeing what I was running out of (make up) and a funny book
DD2 is 15 and has no job and gets £5 a week pocket money. She went online and made one of those personalised calendars of photos of our whole family and our pets

I have always involved them in gift giving for our extended family, I’ve never just gone and bought all the gifts it’s been a team sport that includes them

Holyshitbags · 31/12/2019 17:49

I think you should tell them that it’s the thought that counts and they clearly just didn’t even think!

I’m annoyed with my stepsons who are 18&20 who came to their little sisters 6th family birthday party and didn’t even buy her a card. 20 year old has a great career with a decent wage - and had been xmas shopping. A 59p card wouldn’t have broken the bank :-(

wildchild554 · 31/12/2019 17:49

tbh I don't get anything for christmas or birthday and normally and wouldn't be too bothered as I'm used to it, kids are still very young 7 and 8 and just make me a card and calendar every year. I'd be happier with something homemade like that or homemade photo book rather than something bought. But I don't think it's very nice that they didn't attempt to give you anything at all even homemade. I can understand why your feeling hurt. Could be due to the recent split but would have thought they are old enough to try do something themselves. Maybe need to have a discussion with them.

Liketoshop · 31/12/2019 17:59

Don't ruin things by making them guilty. My sons didn't have enough money or confidence to buy me a present until they started earning in their late teens, as their dad died when they were younger. Then they were chuffed to buy me a present with their wages

Lou12124 · 31/12/2019 18:21

I must say though that generally boys are useless with the thoughtful stuff. I still have to remind my husband to get me a card from the kids on my birthday otherwise it doesn't happen. I know when my kids get older ( 3year old girl and boy and girl twins 1.5) they will be more thoughtful as I will make sure they are but unfortunately some people (my husband) have had everything done for them as a kid and is finding it hard to adjust that the magic fairies dont exist to do everything for you! A gentle reminder next year for even a card! As long as there is thought for that person it doesn't matter what it is x

Twofingers · 31/12/2019 18:28

I got fifteen new pence pocket money, from the age of nine I saved five pence a week for Christmas shopping. Before Christmas I would walk the couple of miles into town on my own with my £2.60 and do my shopping. I looked forward to it so much and planned every purchase meticulously.
It was a formative experience.
I still feel a bit guilty about one year eating some of the Good Boy Drops I bought for my dog on the way home. I hadn’t factored into my budget buying myself anything to eat or drink.

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2019 18:29

I must say though that generally boys are useless with the thoughtful stuff

Please stop perpetuating this sexist crap. Your husband might be crap but that's due to the way he was raised. Boys are only more selfish and thoughtless if they are raised to be that way, it's not innate

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 31/12/2019 18:32

I must say though that generally boys are useless with the thoughtful stuff

Yes, utter nonsense. Unless, as said, you raise a thoughtless boy. Or girl.

It has nothing to do with their genitals.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 31/12/2019 18:33

I know when my kids get older ( 3year old girl and boy and girl twins 1.5) they will be more thoughtful as I will make sure they are

You even said it yourself! 🙄

1forAll74 · 31/12/2019 18:34

I wouldn't be upset about this, they might have bought you some naff present,and then you could complain on here about it..as lots of people have done re getting duff presents. I am sure you have received another,or some other presents.

paranoidmum2 · 31/12/2019 18:40

Did they ask to buy their dad a present OP, or did you suggest it?

Either way, I wouldn't be facilitating birthday or Xmas presents for ex anymore.

I would mention to the dc that you would like it if they acknowledged your birthday, Mothers Day and Xmas with card and small present.

paranoidmum2 · 31/12/2019 18:42

@1forAll74

No one has complained about presents from their young children. 🙄

ddl1 · 31/12/2019 18:46

I wouldn't make an issue over what's past and gone. However, in the future, I would tell them (close to your birthday if you celebrate it, or next Christmas) that even grown-ups like presents, and you'd like a nice little gift/card from them. I know I did get small presents for my parents every Christmas when I was that age; and even when a bit younger, used to make cards for them and wrote little rhymes in them. But I didn't have the complication of my parents splitting up, and everything changing, and not knowing what was expected of me. Unless your children are consistently stingy, I would expect it to be something to do with that, and it's better to signal expectations in advance, rather than to make people feel guilty after the fact. I have known people who have grown up to associate present-giving with guilt and reproach so much that they insist on giving presents even if asked not to, and even if the presents are unsuitable, and show great tension and anxiety about the topic, and I think this is a danger as much as the other extreme. PS: Happy new year!

MsTSwift · 31/12/2019 18:54

Billy I totally agree. We were taught this and getting our parents thoughtful albeit quite crap presents with hindsight was a big part of Christmas for my sisters and I. Ours same age as ops and older one got me nothing though got something for dh which apparently we were to “share” Hmm. We will be working on this in the new year.