To tell my DCs that I was hurt they didn't get me a christmas present?

[ConfidenceCrisis44]

They are 12 and 14. Historically their dad would help them pick gifts for me and vice versa. However we split up last year. I still took them out to get some nice stuff for him (seemed the grown up thing to do.) I got zilch from them. I am irritated at my ex, but can't help feeling that the DCs are of an age where they could have got off their bums themselves. AIBU?

What perfect dc many of you have.
Mine wouldn't have op at 13/14 when they wee hormonal self obsessed teenagers - DH needed strict instructions for mothers day and we worship the ground the other walks on.
Mine improved massively once they earned their ow n money albeit only from holiday jobs but seeds had to be planted.
Start planting the seeds next year but don't have a go now, not the first Christmss after a break-up - their lives will be reeling whether they show it or not. Nothing was ever the same after my parents split when I was 12 and I was such a sensible girl, so they all said.

Don’t tell them, it will make them feel guilty and upset and they won’t be buying you a gift for the right reasons. They will learn over time with gentle guidance. Teens are notoriously thoughtless at times.

I’m in my 30s and my parents still would say, ‘we don’t need anything’ or ‘don’t spend your money on us’ if I asked them what they wanted for Christmas. They say ‘what matters is that we get together at some point over the festive period and have some good food and drink together’. So I buy them presents willingly and with enthusiasm because I really want to treat them and spoil them.

My PIL have a different approach. They are comfortably well off and able to afford to treat themselves to whatever they like (We aren’t hard up either fwiw). DH has tried several times to suggest that he would like to not exchange gifts with them and instead, just have a nice get together; but they still insist that they must have a present from DH. He finds this makes gift giving an arduous chore, gets very stressed about whether it will be a good enough present or not, and doesn’t choose them gifts willingly or with good spirit.

it would be a gift essentially purchased with my own money, which seems to defeat the purpose somewhat and seems odd

The fact of them thinking about what you would like and choosing something, wrapping it and giving it, is the experience you are teaching them. It's not about who's money it is. You've allowed your kids to be selfish on these occasions and failed to teach them the joy of thinking about making their parents happy. I'd be surprised if they just start buying you gifts once they have money!

My mum was a single parent, we do stockings as a big thing in our family. Her mum always used to keep doing her one and she would do one for me and my DBro and a couple of bits for her mum. Then when I was 12 gran died ☹️ and my DBro was away at uni. She very gently asked if she gave me a bit of money would I do her a stocking that year.

I LOVED IT. Felt so grown up being 'father Christmas' and being in charge of present picking. Now 20 years on I still love it and so mum a stocking every year she's with us.

Even though they have their own money maybe early next December try slipping them £20 and gently saying you'd like them to pick you something for under the tree. They won't feel bad for hurting your feelings and it sets the precedent that they get you a present.

Honestly, i would have a deliberately casual chat about perhaps not exchanging Christmas present next year. They will be flummoxed and you can point out that Christmas is about giving not just receiving.

All the people suggesting children shouldn't give gifts to grown-ups at christmas.... hmm. What does this teach them, other than to receive receive receive?

I talked to my almost 3 year old and Christmas this year about giving. I helped him choose a rattle to give his baby sister, plus he also wanted to give her one of his old toys which I thought was lovely. He made a picture for his dad. His dad helped him choose a gift for me.

I think encouraging children to be generous is important.

Chocodrops

Since we've had children we've realised how nice it was that our mum always did all the stockings etc, and now each year when she visits we do one for her!

The fact of them thinking about what you would like and choosing something, wrapping it and giving it, is the experience you are teaching them. It's not about who's money it is.

Exactly. And is still money that they're not spending on themselves, whatever its source.

At 12 and 14 they wouldn't have "their own money" - that would be your money (or other adult's) that you give to them, to finance their little expenses. So either give them more money or don't expect much.

Why shouldn’t kids be expected to buy presents for other people? We had a conversation with my DD this year about what she was buying other people and her face was completely blank... it hadn’t entered her head because she’s 7 and it’s all about her at this stage. So, she was told by us she needs to think about what to get and we will facilitate it. Basics surely? Teenagers have no excuse.... absolutely none. And it’s not that adults don’t “ need” presents it’s about understanding that this is a family event that we all participate in and we show our regard for each other in this way. So I would be hurt not to receive something but also a bit embarrassed that I’d raised children who didn’t think of anyone but themselves.

I’d be upset too, and I’d mention it.

I think you can’t rely on the ex to be dutiful and help them get presents, that will only make you resentful if/when he doesn’t. As he hasn’t bothered to do so, I wouldn’t bother doing so for future birthdays/christmases. A few years down the line you’ll end up very resentful as you’re buying presents for your ex on behalf of your adult children.

I don’t automatically help my 7 yo get presents for her dad (my ex) as he doesn’t bother to do the same for me. She went out with a friend of mine to buy me Christmas presents, and bless her in her Santa letter (on 23rd) she asked him to bring me the same number of presents as she had counted that she already had under the tree (which led to a last minute frantic shopping dash but she was over the moon when she saw he had left me a pile of gifts!)

All this “boys can be thoughtless” nonsense - children allowed to be thoughtless will be thoughtless, and will grow into thoughtless adults. This is how you end up with all these entitled men who think they need a round of applause for “babysitting” their own kids or emptying the bin. Expect better of them and bring them up accordingly.

YABU to want to tell them you're hurt. They're 12 and 14 years old. You only split up last year. My parents were divorced when I was 9 and even though my dad did give me money to buy gifts for my mother at Christmas she always made it clear I was to spend it on myself and not her. I'm now in my late 20s and even now she says the exact same thing every year, naturally I don't listen and spoil her silly. But she would have never gone out of her way to make me feel guilty that I didn't buy her a gift. I've also split from my children father some years ago and there is no expectation for them to buy me gifts and there never will be, regardless of how old they are.

Yes I would tell them I was disappointed. It may seem harsh but they are old enough to understand Christmas is about gifts and would expect them to make this right. it could be they bake a cake, cook tea or go to the shop today. I would also be dropping hefty reminders in future. I would not sugar coat this, you matter, you have feelings and they are old enough to know this.

I think it is sad for you but sometimes we expect more from our teenagers than they appear ready to give .

For the next couple of birthdays/Christmases, I would take them to the shops specifically for time to buy you a present. Hopefully they will then get in the habit of doing it . And maybe with a list of ideas to save receiving the inevitable soap!

When I first split up with my H, the kids were younger but I gave them money and deposited them at Boots and waited outside for twenty minutes. It was actually rather a sweet tradition we did for a couple of years .

That’s awful IMO. My dds were buying me little inexpensive presents with their pocket money from maybe 7 or 8.

If they say they ‘forgot’ I’d be inclined to tell them I might well ‘forget’ to get them anything next year!

I would be hurt too. Christmas isn't just about the children. A little token gift from them is healthy, we matter too.

I spell out to DD5 what i would like for Christmas (paid for by me, obviously), give her the money and pack her off with DGM to buy and wrap said 'surprise'. When she is older i will expect my gift to take precedence in her gift buying. I have given her so much and spoil her rotten (affection, time as well as money), co-sleeping (so very intense attachment parenting) friends round all the time, plenty of freedom to 'be'. I scrimped and saved to save her a decent nest egg and fully value myself and my role as (single) DM and expect her to as well, demonstrating her appreciation via her conduct towards me and at Christmas etc, via gift giving. Hopefully i am teaching her my value as well of that of women/Mothers and setting her own standards high.

I'd be hurt too and I think they're old enough for an honest discussion about it.

'You know we went shopping and you bought a nice gift for your dad? Well I am actually a bit hurt that you didn't think to get one for me.'

Hopefully it's thoughtless rather than malicious but bloody hell I don't know how they could buy for one parent and not the other, and I don't know how they could happily accept their presents from you on Xmas morning without realising that you had nothing to open yourself.

People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Even our own children. It doesn't have to be a telling off but you do need to set the expectation.

it hadn’t entered her head because she’s 7 and it’s all about her at this stage.
i imagine at 7 she'd be still believing in Santa not expecting that she should be buying presents for grown ups

Have you looked at love languages? It’s a book but the principle is that people express and expect love in broadly 5 different ways. Some people are strongly one and not others, other people are a mix. It helps though to identify which language you use to express and which one you like to be used to experience love- and you may see you are being shown love but not acknowledging it. They are
Acts of service (doing things for others- can even be making cups of tea and putting the bin out)
Words of affirmation (positive words)
Touch (hugs etc)
Quality time spent
Presents or gifts

With so much focus on gifts at Xmas- perhaps talk to your boys about this and see what areas they feel they show love or like it shown. So some people like gifts but others like me love to GIVE gifts but don’t like to receive. Someone showing me love would be best to do things for me or use words. But I like to give gifts and also do things for people.

Santa only brings stockings in our family - she knows we buy presents for her and family members. I’m also not berating her either but it was a teachable moment.... “ it’s not all about you”.

shock i imagine at 7 she'd be still believing in Santa not expecting that she should be buying presents for grown ups hmm

Children can believe in Santa and also understand that other people give and get presents. Why the shock and faces?

When I first split from my ex we each took kids shopping for each other iyswim... now they are older (12,12 &14), and having slightly increased pocket money last year, I have shifted responsibility to them to buy a small gift for each other, and for me and their Dad. They did need that pointed out...and will need reminding re birthdays, mother and Father's Day, and likely ferrying to shops and back!

They managed to choose some well considered gifts for all concerned, I was pleasantly surprised....

My ex actually still bought me a small gift which was unexpected, and I hadn't got him anything 🙊

Don't get too upset...just tell them that from now on they need to shop for yours and dads birthday/Christmas gifts on their own, as they're old enough to do it without your help.

That's a clear message.

Try not to be too emotional when you tell them. But i think you should tell them

We always took our DCs shopping for Christmas presents, and they gradually realised (during primary school years) that it is something they like doing and they were so proud the first year they insisted on using their saved up money to buy us things. (DH got a magnetic bottle opener and i got a book chosen by them)

There is no reason a 12 and 14 year old would think that their mum wouldn't like something for Christmas.

YANBU OP,
Of course that is disappointing.
12 and 14 definitely know.

It's not about what the gift is, a box of After Eights would have signified that they had thought of you.
Especially as you had facilitated gifts to your EX.
Knock that job on the head next year!

I think it should be pointed out to them, gently but firmly.
So what if they feel a bit bad.

It was thoughtless.
Do you wish for them to continue to be thoughtless?